Page 187 of Defend Me

“It’s not about the ink, Brooks. Get all the tattoos you want as long as they’re not on your face. This is dangerous.”

“I was always safe about it.”

“I’m serious. It’s a relief that your boyfriend cares and tries to help you. If you ever feel the need to do that, you talk to me or Tilian. Someone. You might think it isn’t a problem, but it’s about the feeling that drives you to do it. It may be under control now, but it could escalate later. I know you’re smart as hell, so please, try to see what I’m saying.”

Still tracing the lines of the tattoo, I nodded. Those negative feelings were still coming in at intervals.

Disappointment. Failure. Imperfect.

“How much does what happened with Holly affect you?”

“I’m fine.”

“Brooks.”

My nostrils flared as I fought the emotions I’d been working through all this time. “It was bad. Really bad. I was afraid and… sick. She came here after, looking for me, but I wasn’t home, so she talked to Tilian. I was so scared after that.”

He shifted the chair closer and gripped my hand. “Are you still scared?”

“I don’t think so. I’m not scared of her. If she tried anything, I’m stronger than her, obviously. I could punch her in the face. But I do kind of worry about seeing her or that she’ll show up again. I look both ways when I’m in the hallway…”

It felt pathetic to tell him all of this. I still didn’t understand how it affected me this much.

“Okay,” he began. “I know you don’t want to keep talking about it, but you need to tell me if you said no or showed any sign that you didn’t want to do it while you were there.”

“I can’t remember.” I thought about the video. If I watched it, I could know for sure, but the thought made me nauseous and I didn’t want him to know about it, even if he was trying to help. “But I did try to leave. I think I said that I needed to get home, but she brought up the program, so I… stayed.”

He nodded slowly, looking calm when I knew he wasn’t. “I want to drive over there and make her entire world fall apart, get her fired, ruin her reputation, and label her as a sex offender.”

I cringed at the word. Tilian had gotten close to saying something similar. I hadn’t wanted to hear it then and I didn’t want to now.

“But,” he went on, “I’m not going to make that decision for you, as much as I want to. Your choices, even ones like this, are yours. I can help you figure out what you want to do, but ultimately, what we do about it is up to you.”

“I don’t want to do anything. Well, maybe if she wasn’t at Harmon I’d feel better, but not if I have to say what happened. Can you find a way to make her leave without bringing that into it?”

His smile made me feel a little better, even if it was a little malicious. “I have ways to get rid of everyone we associate with, just in case.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why I asked. Thank you, Dad.”

“I’ll do anything for you, Brooks. You’ve been through too much. I know you’ll hate this, but I do think you should talk to someone who can help you work through these things. It’s your decision,” he added quickly. “Think about it, talk to your boyfriend and see what he thinks. He’s the one who knows the most about what you’re experiencing.”

“Okay. I’ll think about it.”

“Good. Let’s grab another beer.”

As soon as I stood up, my nostrils flared. I looked down at my trembling hands, then started to shove them into my pockets. My dad caught them and pulled me closer. His arms came around my shoulders and mine circled his waist.

Tears fell from my eyes as I leaned my head against his chest. It wasn’t a sob or a breakdown this time. It was a release that felt damn good, even though I still wanted to pull myself together so that nobody would see it.

“I love you,” he said. “More than anything. And I’m proud of you. I’ll be proud of you no matter what you do.”

“Even if I start doing drugs?”

He pulled back with a laugh that sounded more exasperated than amused. “No, not for the drugs, but even then, I’ll be proud of you because you’re my son and I know you’re so full of goodness. You can always talk to me.Pleasetalk to me, Brooks.”

“Okay.”

With a small nod, he straightened his shirt and headed into the apartment. He slid a beer across the island, then looked at the bedroom door.

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