Page 65 of Defend Me

As I approached Ms. Whitlock’s door, I swallowed back my nausea. I raised my hand to knock, then saw that it was shaking.

Fuck. I was being weak. I’d had these kinds of conversations countless times. Getting people like her in my pocket was as easy as breathing for me. I’d been raised to do it.Trainedto do it.

I’d learned about Holly before I ever met with her. She didn’t make it a habit to sleep with students, but she’d done it quite a few times from what I’d heard. If she saw a benefit to it or knew that she could coerce someone who needed her favor, she named a price, and it almost made me turn around.

I heard the tap on the door, even though I didn’t consciously tell myself to knock. The handle depressed just before the door swung open. When I came face to face with her, I felt my stomach sour.

“Brooks,” she greeted with a saccharine smile.

I pasted one on in return, an automatic gesture I didn’t have to put thought into anymore. “Holly. I hope I’m not overstepping when I say that you look lovely today.”

She tucked her hair behind her ear. I knew she wasn’t nervous or shy. I made my move, she made hers. It went round and round.

“Come in,” she said.

When she turned around, I ran my tongue over my teeth. My mouth was dry. It probably would’ve been worse if I’d smoked, but now I was wishing I had.

The skirt she wore today ended above her knee. It was tighter than the last, outlining her figure- thin, perfectly sculpted to garner respect and, of course, draw the eyes of important men. It disgusted me. Today, I felt it more acutely.

Her shoes weren’t as plain as the last time I’d seen her. They were black with a strap that wrapped around her ankle in a way that highlighted the delicate curve of it. It was raining today, so the thin-strapped top with a plunging neckline was unlikely to be a coincidence.

On autopilot, I moved to the chair, but she touched my arm. “You can sit on the couch.”

My heart raced, not from an interest in what I knew was coming. It was a flight response, vicious and hard to resist. I sat anyway. She joined me and since it was a loveseat, she was close to me. When she leaned to the side a little, I was overwhelmed by her gardenia perfume.

I looked at her, keeping my expression neutral. The bright red lipstick she chose today was aggressive. It didn’t make me want to keep looking. Her lips didn’t make my mouth water. I wanted to wipe the color away to reveal the ugliness beneath.

“So, Brooks,” she said as she snaked her hand over the back of the couch.

My body tensed and I had to force my muscles to relax.

I knew this was a possibility. It always was. There was no honor among people like this. No decency or even dignity.

It was always okay with me. It was a necessary step toward a future. Connections made it easier to rise to the top. Plus, who didn’t like sex?

In this context, I didn’t. Sex was my escape. This felt like my hell.

I’d done it before. In high school, I slept with one of my teachers to get a better letter of recommendation than she’d ever written. I even fucked the principal so he wouldn’t tell my parents that he caught me smoking during lunch.

It was nothing.

Or maybe every time I did this, it took a piece of my soul, if I even had one of those. Maybe that was why I felt so fucking empty every day.

My parents didn’t know what I’d done. I can’t imagine they’d approve. They were good people and even though this shit was corrupt, they wouldn’t want me to sleep my way up the ranks.

Holly’s fingers brushed the back of my neck.

I had to choose.

Was it really a choice?

When had I earned the right to those?

With a small sigh, I turned to face her. Her lips curled upward in what was meant to be something seductive.

It made me want to throw up.

*****

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