Page 67 of Defend Me

I let out a clipped laugh, surprising myself. “No, Mom. I didn’t read it wrong. I’m not a child and I know what it means when a woman tries to pull my dick out of my pants.”

She made a surprised sound. “I… Shit.”

“It’s fine. I’ll work with someone else.”

“Brooks…” The way she trailed off left a knot in my stomach. “Holly is the head of the department. One word from her and you could go into the program without the approval of most of the faculty.”

“Guess I’ll have to work extra hard. That does still matter, you know.”

“Sure, but that doesn’t guarantee your spot and it doesn’t exactly look good for you or us.”

I dropped my forehead against the stainless steel. “You cannot possibly be suggesting that I sleep with her.”

“Maybe.”

“She’s fucking forty-three!”

“Control your tone, Brooks.”

“What does Dad think?”

“I don’t know. He’s at the office.”

“Fucking hell. I don’t want to do that, Mom. It’s disgusting you’d even be on board.”

“Don’t pretend that I don’t know how much you sleep around. You’re not afraid of putting yourself out there.”

“This is coercion! I’m not gonna be whored out for some pointless game of greed.”

“It’s not a game.”

“It is and you’re smart enough to know it.”

“Look, it’s your choice and if you’re truly that uncomfortable with it, then stick with your decision. It’s your future, baby, and it’s up to you how you pursue it.”

Unexpected tears pricked my eyes. I shouldn’t have been reacting this strongly. She was right. It was nothing, but I felt fucking dirty for even considering it.

I craved the peace I’d felt the other day with Tilian. Pushing him away fucking killed me, but what else was I going to do? If I had to do shit like this, I couldn’t be anything to him except a friend.

“I love you, Brooks.”

Without answering, I ended the call. Her name appeared on the screen again, so I threw the phone across the room. It hit the glass and broke on impact. Pieces slid across the wood floor, a direct reflection of what I felt like inside.

I dropped my elbows to the counter and gripped my hair. My scalp burned from the way I tugged on it, but the pain didn’t help.

Turning around, I flung open the cabinet and grabbed a plate. I sent it soaring in the same direction as the phone. The sound of it shattering gave me a split second of satisfaction before the emptiness returned.

So, I did it again. And again. When I ran out of plates, I moved on to cups. They made a higher pitched sound when they burst. The pieces that littered the floor turned it into a minefield, only leaving me a path to the bedrooms or the front door.

The overwhelming urge to see Tilian overcame me. I felt ashamed of the idea. He shouldn’t see me like this. Nobody should.

I turned the knob to my bedroom and stepped inside. The lights were off and it was silent. It was like every other time I’d wandered around this place. Cold. Empty. Dead.

As I headed to my bed, I couldn’t rid myself of the disgusting feeling under my skin.

Because I knew what I’d be doing on Monday. I knew I’d have to carve out another piece of myself and sacrifice it to some ideal vision of my future. I had to dangle myself over a pit filled with frothing mouths and gnashing teeth, the same people who masqueraded as respectable humans. All the while, they were devourers of men, manipulators of the last remnants of good that lived within someone before they started to twist themselves into those same vile creatures.

One day, I’d be like my mom. Maybe I’d be like Holly. If I attained power, would I be so desperate to keep it that I preyed on those beneath me? How grotesque would I become at the behest of something that held no inherent value?

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