Page 69 of Defend Me

“I didn’t-”

“Tell me what he’s like,” he interrupted.

I was about to set them straight when I saw someone walk out of the kitchen. His dirty blonde hair fell a little over his forehead but didn’t hide the way his brow was pinched. Sen strode quickly to the back and disappeared into a closet. Something about him seemed off. We’d gotten to know each other a little better when we went ax throwing and we even texted sometimes.

“I’ll be right back.”

After tugging off my skates, I slipped on my sneakers and headed toward the back. The door was cracked, which was enough for me to hear heavy breaths. I didn’t think Kai was working today, so I doubted it was anything raunchy. Plus, his expression wasn’t some pre-sex excitement. It was pain.

I gripped the side of the door and started to pull it open. There was a loud bang that made me flinch. When I stepped inside, I found Sen with his back against the wall and his hands in his hair, gripping it tightly at the roots. He slid down and brought his knees up just as a heart-wrenching sob tore from his chest.

Without a word, I moved closer and knelt in front of him. When I touched his leg, he jerked away.

“Oh. It’s you,” he said. He wiped his face and tried to compose himself but gave up after a minute. “Shit. Sorry.”

“Don’t be. What’s going on?”

“It’s fine.”

“I might not be as perceptive as Kai or Brooks, but I know that’s a lie.”

He sighed, then it turned into another full body sob. I just waited, unsure what to do. It felt like he should be allowed a minute to work through his feelings. I wasn’t a touchy person and I didn’t think he’d appreciate a hug anyway. When he began to breathe a little easier, he loosened his grip on his hair but kept his hands there.

“Did Kai do something?” I asked.

He released a choked laugh. “No. Kai’s fucking perfect.”

“Is it a stressful work day? Did a little girl throw her Dippin’ Dots at you?”

“No, it’s just… life, I guess. Sometimes, it’s too much in my head. It’s just too fucking much.”

“If you want to talk about it, I’ve been told I’m a good listener. It’s usually because I don’t know what to say, but still.”

He regarded me for a minute, chewing on his lip the entire time. “Me and my parents had a falling out over winter break. Well, before that too. There’s a lot of shit that happened. Suffice it to say, they don’t want me to be gay. So much so that they disowned me for it.”

“It’s their loss. Is it fixable?”

His nostrils flared as he shook his head. “I’m starting to wonder if I don’t want it to be. The longer I’m away from it all and I build a life with Kai, the more I resent them. I don’t want to, but they’ve done worse to me. They’ve put this goddamn voice in my head that, no matter what, makes me feel guilty for being happy with Kai. Like it’s wrong, even though I know it isn’t.”

After chewing on my lip, I took both of his hands. “My parents weren’t happy when I came out. They were never hateful of gay people, but my dad is a pastor and he was always of the mindset that they were sinners, but God would forgive them because they couldn’t change it.”

“Are they still upset about it?”

“No. Our relationship is okay, but I don’t think we’ll ever be inseparably close or anything. What we have works and they’re supportive of me. Things have changed a lot, but it wasn’t just me. My brother, Alex, was born a female. He started voicing his feelings about it when he was five. That was a lot harder for them. Our mom left.”

His eyes widened. “Because of your brother?”

“Things had been really tense at home for a few years. She had her own issues and I think they were only staying together because of us. It must’ve been too much for her. We haven’t heard from her since.”

“That’s horrible.”

“It is what it is. At a certain point, I was tired of seeing how depressed Alex was because of that and it was worse because our dad wouldn’t accept him as he was.”

“What happened?”

“I went off on him. Threw some bible verses in his face, then followed it up with a bunch of research. I even found some pastors online who were supportive of transgender people to show him that he was allowed to change his views without betraying the major points of his beliefs. It didn’t get better for a while, but my stepmom, who was part of our church, used to be my mom’s best friend. Miranda came over often after she left and even though she wasn’t sure how to feel about me and Alex at first, she helped all of us just by being there. She started to become a motherly figure. Things gradually changed, especially after they started dating. It’s not perfect,” I added quickly. “There are still things that I can tell they feel uncomfortable about.” I looked at my nails with a shrug.

“I’m sorry you guys went through that.”

---