Page 78 of Defend Me

Chapter 23

That's the whole trouble. When you're feeling very depressed, you can't even think.

Brooks

I’m losing it here

My hands shook as I reached for my toothbrush. It was a mistake to try eating. I’d barely touched anything in four days. Not since Sunday.

I thought I might throw up again, but I just wanted to lay down. The sleeping pills were calling my name. Otherwise, I’d close my eyes and see all of the things I didn’t want to. The memory of… her.

My toothbrush fell from my hand. It was loud when it hit the sink, which didn’t help the pounding in my skull. I gripped the edge of the counter and stepped back, hanging my head.

I’d never hated myself this much. It always fluctuated, but right now, it was unbearable. I should’ve gone numb by now. Why wasn’t I fucking numb yet?

After finishing up, I threw the door open and stepped into my room. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw someone sitting on the bed. Quickly, I adjusted my expression so he wouldn’t see what lurked inside of me.

“Why the fuck are you in my room?” I demanded with more venom than I’d intended.

Dean tapped his fingers on the blanket. “Checking on you. Tilian is worried, but he won’t come here for some reason.”

“Text me instead of trespassing. How’d you even get in here?”

“My skill tree is broad.”

I rolled my eyes. “Go away. I’m busy.”

“Are you sick?” he asked, keeping his gaze locked on my face.

“No.”

He was studying me too intently. I held my chin high while I maintained my expression. Smooth. Emotionless.

He stood and approached me. I watched casually as if I didn’t have a care in the world.

“I haven’t seen you since Sunday,” he went on, still moving closer. I took a step back, which made him cock his head.

“It’s my weekend,” I said simply. “I have no obligation to see you or anyone.”

“What about the last few days?”

He was only a few steps from me now. I’d steadily been inching backward with small movements, but he obviously wasn’t going to relent.

“Didn’t feel good.” My voice wavered, making me clench my teeth.

“You said you weren’t sick.”

“Just fuck off, Dean.”

He closed the distance and grabbed onto my shoulders. When he pressed me against the wall, I dropped my head back to rest on it.

“Just talk to me.”

I shook my head. “If Tilian has a problem, he can talk to me himself.”

“He’s part of the reason I’m here, but I’m also concerned. You seem off. Really off.”

I shoved his chest so that I could move away from him. Wrapping my arms around myself, I rotated my neck and lifted my shoulders, trying to get rid of his touch. I wanted to scrub it off of my skin.

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