“Don’t we all?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Do you think I’m making it worse?”
His brow furrowed. “How?”
“I don’t know… I don’t know what he wants or needs. It sort of feels like…” I took a deep breath, trying to organize my thoughts. “Dean said he’s using me to feel better. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. I just don’t want him to hurt himself and not deal with the things that make him like this.”
“I think you guys should really talk about it. I’m not sure exactly what’s going on with you two, but if you keep doing this, you’re gonna hurt each other. Obviously, you’re really wrapped up in trying to be there for him, but you should care about yourself in this too, Tilian.”
Even though I didn’t want to, I nodded. He wasn’t wrong. Somehow, I’d gotten to a point where I put him above me and I was consumed by a need to protect him. I didn’t think that was bad, per se, but I needed to find balance. Otherwise, I’d get burned too, and that didn’t help anyone.
“If I take a step back, do you think that makes me a bad person?”
“No. I think you’re only a bad person if your intentions are bad.”
“Thank you,” I said. “For coming here and for making sure he’s okay.”
“Of course. I’ve gotta head out, but you know you can text me whenever.”
As he got up, he continued to watch me. I forced a smile and he turned around to leave. Even after the door closed, I stared at it for a while. I was startled out of my daze when my phone buzzed.
Brooks:Can I see you?
My eyes burned as I gripped the phone. I wanted to say yes, to jump in my car and drive over there because of one text. Instead, I got under the covers and rolled onto my side. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing or be impulsive.
Tilian:I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.
It showed as read, but he didn’t respond. I might have made it worse, but like Sen said, I needed to watch out for myself too, so I had to take some time to think, just like he should.
I couldn’t save him and I couldn’t be there to catch him every time if I didn’t know what any of it even meant. If I did that, it would destroy me because at this point, I didn’t think he’d ever be able to commit to something real.
And me… If I wasn’t careful, I’d find myself in love with a man who might run from me forever.
Chapter 27
“What really matters is what you do with what you have.”
Brooks
Maybe I’ll find a light
At a certain point, I’d drifted off. I felt better than when I was last awake, which was good. Kai and Sen helped bring me back to myself a little more. I could tell they were annoyed that I wouldn’t tell them what was going on, but just having them there helped keep me from sinking again.
There was no pressure in my head and whatever had been floating around for the past week had receded back to its rightful place.
I took a deep breath. The air in my lungs felt so fucking good that I did it again.
When I checked my phone, I was shocked. It was Monday. Had I slept through all of yesterday? I guess that was why I felt rested.
I saw a text from Oliver, reminding me that we were doing the survey for our research project today. It was happening in twenty minutes, so I jumped to my feet and took the fastest shower of my life. We’d set this date two weeks ago and if I didn’t show up on time, I’d look like an asshole.
For our sociology project, we were conducting a survey on campus to figure out what students did and didn’t know about mental health resources offered by the university. It would probably be boring and a lot of people would ignore us, but that was fine. I was very good at roping people in and since I’d slept like the dead for over twenty-four hours, I was ready to go.
When I whipped into a parking spot, I had two minutes to spare. I ran through the courtyard, then slowed to a walk when I was close enough for them to see me.