Page 95 of Defend Me

“I didn’t want a relationship. Never have, really.”

“Then, why are you caught up on the idea now?”

“Because,” I sighed, “he fucked me up. I don’t know. All my life, I’ve had a lot of friends and no matter how I was feeling, there was a person I could call who fit my mood at the time.”

“Okay,” Kai replied slowly. “And what mood does Tilian fit?”

“All of them. There’s never a time I don’t want to see him.”

“Let’s stop there for a sec. He clearly cares about you. Whatever happened over the weekend made things rocky and, regardless of what caused you to break down, it had something to do with that. Do you have any ideas about what made him pull away?”

“I think so. I was a fucking wreck, man, and we kissed. More than kissed. I know that it was a really bad time to do that, but he does something to me that makes me want to talk to him about some shit going on in my life and I hate that.”

“Do you? It would’ve been easy enough to take a step back or cut things off.”

“I tried,” I admitted. “Even when I lashed out, he didn’t give up. And when I tried to distance myself, I came crawling back. It’s pathetic.”

He breathed a laugh as he took a drink. “That’s not pathetic. That’s something real. Have you really never felt safety like that?”

“Is that what it is? It feels dangerous.”

“Yeah, well, connecting with people makes you vulnerable. So does needing them. You’re upset that he isn’t acting the same, so I’d say you want something with him on a deeper level, but you can’t have that without revealing the things you don’t like about yourself.”

“Were you nervous to do that with Sen?”

“Sure. With him, though, I was more focused on making sure he was okay. We moved fast, but I never worried about that. Early on, we saw the broken parts of each other, even before we were actually dating. He knew the shit with my dad and I figured out after our first kiss that he had some sort of trauma and repression. I didn’t find out the specifics until after Halloween, but every day, we saw more of each other. Good and bad. That isn’t a negative thing, Brooks.”

“What if…” I trailed off and began tapping my fingers.

Was it wise to talk to him about this? I didn’t know if it would make a difference. If I didn’t talk to someone, though, I’d start spiraling again, which wasn’t good for any of us.

“I’m sorta worried that he won’t like what he finds,” I admitted.

His eyes softened and made my stomach feel acidic. “Why?”

“The details aren’t important and I don’t want to share them right now. He knows some things, but I hide more. I just… I feel dirty. Every day, I worry that I’m going to hurt him. It comes naturally to me, like I’m some fucking soulless creation that my parents made to be just like them.”

His brow furrowed, then he shook his head. “That’s ridiculous.”

“It’s not.”

“Brooks.” Kai stepped closer, crossing his arms over his chest when he stopped in front of me. “You may be a product of people who live in a world you don’t like, but that doesn’t mean you’re just like them. It doesn’t even mean you have to go back to it.”

“I do.”

“That’s up to you to decide, but it’s insane to think that you can’t break the mold. I don’t know your parents, but if they taught you how to be like them, it’s probably so that you could succeed. It was to protect and prepare you.”

“I’m pretty sure they’ve done some fucked up things to get where they are,” I said quietly.

“Okay, that’s on them. If they haven’t asked you to do the same things, why do you think they expect it?”

My gaze fell to the floor. Shame crept through my veins, making my blood feel cold.

“Shit,” he muttered. “Have they?”

“My mom. I don’t know if my dad knows.”

“He should.”

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