Page 98 of Defend Me

My heart beat too fast while I stared at him. I wanted to talk, of course, but I’d been trying to allow myself some distance. The problem that always came about was that when we were together, I abandoned my own convictions. With a look, he could get me to do this again and again, so I needed to get it sorted in my head first.

“I’m not ready to talk yet,” I said.

He looked surprised by that. “Oh. Why not?”

“Because, Brooks, I’m tired. After thinking about it over the past week, I realized that this back and forth is fucking me up.”

When his gaze dropped to the floor, I had to force myself to stand my ground. Dean always said I need to do more of that.

“Yeah,” he said after a while. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Um, we can carpool if you want, I guess.”

“It’s cool. I’m not sure if I’m gonna go, actually.”

“Brooks…”

He pushed his hands into his pockets, which he usually did when he was trying to hide his tension.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, Tilian.”

“I told you I’m stronger than that. I just want you to be happy. Maybe… Maybe there’s someone who can make you happy.”

His brow furrowed. When he stepped forward, his hand raised to my face, but he didn’t touch me. After a second, he dropped it to his side.

“I wish there was.”

“Maybe we should start Operation Find Brooks Someone To Love,” I joked.

“Is that what you want, to find me someone… else?”

“Yeah, you deserve it.”

“So, do you think I should go to this party and see if there’s anyone I’m interested in?”

I swallowed hard. “Totally.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

“What?”

“You said we could carpool.”

“I thought you weren’t going.”

He shrugged, looking so casual it was almost unnerving. “It couldn’t hurt. Besides, it’s a party. I’m sure I’ll meet someone interesting to take home.”

He turned and headed down the hall, leaving me staring after him. I wanted to yell, to ask him if that was actually his plan. I wanted to kiss him and hold him so close that he couldn’t possibly fall apart.

It didn’t feel like my place, and I was the one who wasn’t ready to talk. Was this part of what he wanted to discuss? Moving on, staying friends, and fucking other people as if our hands weren’t all over each other just a week ago.

I wasn’t chasing him anymore, so I guess we’d just move forward.

“Coming?” he called behind him.

Quickly, I settled a beanie over my messy hair and pulled on a cropped sweatshirt, just short enough to show my hip bones and a strip of my stomach. It had nothing to do with the fact that he’d mentioned I had the waist for something like this while he devoured me with his eyes.

When I caught up to him, he glanced at me for only a second. I never thought I’d miss being under his keen gaze, being perceived by the only person who made it feel less like a nightmare and more like a dream.

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