Page 40 of Her Double Desire

This is nothing like being with Shawn or Jared. My body isn't buzzing eagerly, no part of me wants to do this. And the longer I stand here, the more my urge grows to simply run away.

“Now,” he whispers thickly, one hand brushing through my hair. My goosebumps prickle with disgust. “I want you to get on your knees, unbuckle my belt, and show me what you can—”

“No!”

He pulls up short, eyes stretching wide. “Did you just say no?”

“I'm sorry, I... I can't do this.”

“I don't understand.” He scans me anew, searching for an explanation that I know he won't find.

“It's not you,” I say, hugging myself firmly. “I'm sorry, I really thought I could handle this. But I can't. Jared and Shawn...” Saying their names makes tears prick at the corners of my eyes. I fight them back. “They tried so hard to prepare me. They were right, I'm not strong enough for this.”

His eyebrows come together in a fierce wrinkle. “They didn't warn me that you were the sensitive type.”

“Please, don't be mad at them. This was all a huge mistake. I'll get my things and then I'll just leave.”

“You understand what will happen if you break your contract,” he says flatly, squinting at me with a flash of curiosity.

I'm already walking, eager to get away from this whole god damn mess. “Yes, I know.”

I stumble away on shaking legs. It's not just my muscles that are weak, I feel like all of me, my entire being, is coming apart at the seams.I ruined everything,I think, crushing my eyelids shut.All their work, two weeks of preparing, and I threw it out the window.

Why wasn't I capable of giving in to Oliver? I'd come to adore the things that Jared and Shawn made me feel. What could possibly be the difference between their games and...

Hot sparks rocket up my spine; I trip, then recover.It's because I care about them.I hadn't let myself pour over it deeply because I'd trained myself to see our escapades as nothing more than filthy fun.

I'd been blind to my reality.

To my rawest feelings.

I love them.

Fuck. Fucking fuck. The regret hits me hard, stealing my breath and making me cringe.I love them and I let them down.Walking away from this place doesn't just saddle me with debt. It ruins their reputation.They're going to hate me.If I stayed and faked it for Oliver, I'd have been miserable. But am I so pathetic that I couldn't suffer for them?

I don't deserve their love.

Hands touch me as I draw close to the stairs that will take me to the exit. Disoriented, I almost fall until those same hands grabs me close, keeping me on my shaking legs. “Are you alright, Veronica?”

Shawn focuses on me with eyes that have warmed too much to maintain his normal icy-blue. Even his pupils seem lighter somehow, as if they've been filtered by compassion... by concern...

And it's all for me.

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