Page 50 of Claiming What's Mine

“Ha,” I laughed out loud and smirked. “Not from me, I hated bugs as a kid.”

Grunting, my mother rolled her eyes as she came down the steps and met me in the grass. “Yeah, no one that know you would believe that.” Taking her keys from her purse, she checked the time on her watch. “Alright, I'd love to stay and chat, but Dad needs his meds and supper.”

“How's he doing?” I asked, watching my daughter as she cautiously stepped around the yard with a small mason jar, oblivious to the fact I was there.

“Eh, he's doing his best, he has good days and bad days.”

Nodding my head, I didn't have anything to say to that. I knew my father hated what he was going through. Some days he was super positive and happy and full of life. Other days, all he wanted to do was sleep and be alone, pretending like the rest of the world didn't exist.

It was hard as hell to watch my father, once a strong pastor and voice to so many, lose himself this way. This disease had eaten through his soul, leaving us with half a person. He wasn't my father anymore, he wasn't the man I remembered.

We both stood silent for a long moment, no words to say, just a quiet moment where we both acknowledged, without saying it, the seriousness of my father's illness.

Sometimes there just weren't any words that would help or bring comfort. We had a lot of those moments now, knowing that time was literally ticking and could end at any time.

My mother finally ended the silence, asking, “How was the wake? Did you see. . .” Pausing, my mother couldn't bring herself to even say his name.” You know, did you see him?”

Ugh, why does she have to say it like that?

She had this tone to her voice and it irritated me. I wasn't a little girl anymore, he wasn't a part of my life, and hadn't been, for a decade. So why did she still act like he was somehow the reason for everything that went wrong in my life?

You know why, don't play dumb. And I just slept with him again.

Can she smell sex on me? Or his cologne?

Taking a step away from her, I tried to position myself against the wind. “Yeah, I did.” Folding my arms across my chest protectively, my heart was racing as I tried to talk normal and not freak out, or sound too defensive. “He's alright, I mean his father died, so he's as good as he can be I guess.”

“Well that's good, I'm glad you went. Did you—”

“No,” I said, cutting her off. “I didn't. It wasn't the time or the place. Can we not do this right now?”

“Alright, that's fine, I was just asking.” Holding up her hand, she adjusted her keys between her fingers and started walking backwards towards her car. “Tell Bliss I love her, I don't want to bother her while she's hunting.”

“I will, thanks for watching her, I'll call you tomorrow.”

“Don't forget, Saturday is the summer cookout. You're still going, right?”

Shit, I forgot all about it.

“Yeah, of course, we'll be there.”

“You forgot, didn't you?”

“No,” I lied.

“Yes you did, like I can't see the truth on your face.” Smiling, my mother started to climb into her car. “It starts at one, and you said you'd bring fruit salad, but I'm sure you remembered that.”

“Right, fruit salad, got it.” Giving her a thumbs up, my mother gave me a mocking smile as she backed out of my driveway.

Watching Bliss as she trotted around, doing her best to sneak up on fireflies with her jar, this rush of nostalgia flooded my body.

Images of Jayden and I catching fireflies popped into my head. I could hear our laughter in the wind as it blew between my ears, I could smell the humidity in the air, and feel the dirt on my feet as we balanced on our toes, trapping little bugs.

With each memory that swept through my mind, my body came alive. My skin felt hot, my chest was burning like I was inhaling red hot embers. Every muscle had tightened like corded rope, my stomach coiling and twisting as if tiny tornadoes were reeking havoc in my belly.

Dropping down onto my front step, I rested my face in my hands. I spent years trying to live my life without him, trying to forget him, trying to move on and forget my past.

Now he's here, and it's like all of that was for nothing. I gave in without words, without one conversation, without anything. It took two minutes of my time to get lost in his eyes, and forget where I was, who I was, and the life I had built.

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