Page 48 of Impacted by Love

I don't know if I can do this, God. Seeing my dad laid up the last time was a lot. Now, I have to see both of them in this state. That's gonna break me. I've been holding them down for years, and it feels like I failed them. I failed to pull them out. Maybe I should have found them an upstanding dealer who wouldn't inflict harm. Damn it… I failed to be enough to make them choose me over their addiction.

My eyes become blurry, and a strangled gasp slips from my mouth when my last thought hits my mind. Somehow, at this moment, I feel responsible for Mom and Dad being here and seemingly on the brink of death. An intense urge to apologize hits me, nearly knocking the wind out of me, and I turn to Onesti. "I'm ready." My voice is scratchy and low from the unshed tears resting in the back of my throat.

Gripping Onesti's hand tight enough to break it, I take an unsteady step forward to enter the room. My heart is pounding in my ears, my shoulders are tight, my knees are knocking, and beads of sweat burst onto my forehead.

This is it! This is it! This is?—

"Oh God! Come on, man!" I shout, halting my steps, and Onesti's body jerks from the sudden stop.

Machines with wires and tubes cover both Mom’s and Dad's bodies, making it impossible for me to contain the tears I've been blocking. My legs give out, causing me to fall to my knees, and I pound the porcelain with one hand while tears fall heavily from my eyes.

"Why y'all do this to me, man? I asked you to go to rehab, Mom. Damn. Why, man?" I can't prevent the tremor in my voice, and melancholy wraps me in a suffocating embrace.

"Asaiah. Asaiah. Please. You're gonna hurt yourself," Onesti pleads, getting on the floor trying to stop me from punishing it.

"I ain't ready for this shit. It's like neither of their asses considered me in this shit. Why the fuck couldn't they love me enough to choose life, man?" My wet eyes connect with Onesti's misty ones, and I fall into her, succumbing to the pain exploding in my chest.

Thunderous wails escape my mouth, and Onesti's arms wrap around my body, securing me as best she can.

"Shh! I got you. I got you, Asaiah," she declares, rocking me back and forth.

"This shit hurts so fucking bad, sweet baby."

Zzt. Zzt.

Vibrating from my pocket has me shaking my head because I'm in no mood to talk to anyone. Ignoring the call, I work to regain my composure, but the reality of this situation returns, and my tears fall like water from my eyes. The heavy antiseptic smell in the room is turning and churning my stomach, making my nose twist.

Zzt. Zzt.

"Do you want to answer? I can move," Onesti asks when my phone starts vibrating a minute after the first call.

Nodding subtly, I wait for Onesti to release her hold and retrieve my phone to see Annalise's name on the display.

"Shit! It's my sister. I ca-can't?—"

"How about I answer it and advise her to come?" Onesti asks.

Passing the device over to her, I allow her to help me to my feet and then move like a snail closer to the individuals responsible for giving me life.

* * *

"Father, in the name of Jesus, I ask that you comfort Brother Harrison and Sister Annalise in their hour of bereavement. You alone are able to lift up their bowed-down heads. You alone are able to wrap your arms around them. You alone are able to wipe the tears from their eyes. Be their peace in the midnight hour, oh God. Be their strength in the days, weeks, and months to come. When family, friends, and well-wishers return to their lives, stand in the gap as only you can. Let them know that there is nothing too hard for you and that you can be strong in their weakness. Thank you in advance. In the matchless name that is above every name, I pray. Amen."

Squeezing Annalise's shoulder, I lean over and kiss her cheek when Pastor Reece ends his prayer. Pastor Reece called ten minutes after Onesti spoke to Annalise, and I let her bring him up to speed about what was happening. Shortly after Annalise and Pastor Reece arrived, a doctor came in to let us know there was nothing else medically they could do for my mom and dad. Although I expected the news, it still knocked the wind out of me to hear the confirmation. Hearing the news had Annalise falling apart, forcing me to keep her upright until her man, Justin, intervened.

"Call me crazy, but I had hope that they would get it together and we would be able to sort out our issues," Annalise utters.

"Me too, sis. I guess time ran out on all of us," I co-sign.

My eyes are bouncing between the unmoving shells my parents are no longer residing in, and chills flow through my body. We're waiting for the funeral home to come pick up Mom and Dad because the doctor is signing off on their deaths, removing any holds on their bodies.

"I'm gonna miss her calling me Lissie-Pooh and him dancing off-beat whenever 'Smooth Criminal' played on the radio," Annalise adds, bringing a weak smile to my face at the distant memory from our childhood.

"I know you might not have many reference points but hold on to the good times you had with them," Pastor Reece interjects before I can reply to Annalise.

"Good times with Andre and Valerie in their sparsity will definitely be held on to. Maybe Asaiah has more than I do, but the dark days outweigh the bright ones," Annalise utters in a dejected tone that pinches my chest.

"When the storms of life are raging and the billows roll. So glad He shall hide me. Safe in His arms. Soo… glad… he… shall… hide… me. Safe in His arms," Onesti sings lowly, comforting my weary soul despite the heaviness in the room.

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