Page 10 of Fourteen Years

“When the hell did she become an adult?” he asked, turning his gaze on me.

I snorted, still overwhelmed at the thought of him buying a coffee pot, for one conversation.

“We blinked, Trev.”

He nodded, letting his eyes run over me from head to toe.

Was he checking me out this time? What was going on?

“Anyway,” I stammered. “Are you ready to get to work? I was thinking of completely stripping everything in the bedroom and bathroom. All decor and bed things. I think a complete remodel is in order, decoration wise. So it feels new, like my own space.”

The man smirked at me again, like he knew something I didn’t and he knew I was changing the subject. I chose to ignore him and walked past him and up the stairs, yelling at my children to meet me and Trevor in the bedroom.

Lacey and Lexi were fighting, yet again. I’d told them they could take decorations from my bathroom and redo the one they shared together, if they wanted.

Lexi liked the barbie pink bathroom the way it was and Lacey was insistent they needed something more grown up.

I could feel my oldest losing it as the other grew more and more whiny. Trevor had frozen at this point, watching the interaction in amusement.

I threw my hands up, tired of the bickering.

“Okay.” I said, crossing my arms and using my best mom voice. “Lacey, if you want to move into the guest bedroom that has a bathroom connected, then do it and decorate it how you want. But,” I raised my eyebrows as my oldest started to celebrate prematurely,"you have to be okay with giving that up for guests when they’re here.” I continued.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” she sprinted from the room, presumably to start moving furniture and bathroom items to her new space.

Lexi pouted after her.

“And why the face? I thought this was a good compromise?” I asked my youngest.

“It is. I like how my bathroom is. But she gets a whole new room and everything-”

Covering my face with my hands, I sighed. Children.

“Okay. Move to Lacey’s old room..” I said exasperated. Now Lexi squealed and took off excitedly.

“And there better not be any yelling!” I hollered after her as Trevor chuckled from across the room.

Everything was bare bones. The bed stripped to the mattress and box springs, curtains down. All the decor and old bedspread and sheets were bagged and ready to be donated to the local center for abused women in recovery from bad relationships.

Becks and I volunteered there together every other Saturday because it was a cause near and dear to her after everything she’d been through.

Paul’s side of the closet was empty now. Shoes and old clothes are going to be donated as well. I’d kept a few shirts and hoodies for myself. Even a pair of sweatpants.

The bathroom was empty. I’d kept a bottle of his cologne and moved it to my side. The morning had been emotional and hard, but it felt lighter here somehow. I was sad. I was still grieving. But I felt like I could start healing now, too.

I had one drawer on Paul’s nightstand to go through and sat cross legged in front of it as Trevor started carrying things downstairs to his truck.

Taking out a few books and Paul’s reading glasses I noticed an envelope peeking out of a magazine at the bottom. Narrowing my eyes I reached in and drew it out.

It had one word scribbled on the front. My name. Feeling breathless, my heart rate sped up and my anxiety spiked. My mind spiraled on what it could contain. I hadn’t gone through anything after the funeral. I hadn’t known this was there. I heard myself breathing shakily as I ran my fingers over his handwriting.

I opened the unsealed flap and drew the paper out, recognizing more of his handwriting, tears filled my eyes.

Monica,

If you’re reading this, then the worst has happened and I’ve been taken from you. I want you to know that, while I love my occupation, this has always been my biggest fear. I’m not scared of dying. I don’t fear what comes after, baby. I am terrified of leaving you in the devastation I know you’ll feel. I’m petrified of leaving Lacey, who I’ve come to love as my own flesh and blood. And, the spitfire we created together in Lexi. If I’m not there to protect my girls, who will?

Logic says Trevor. Nick. Lucas. They’ll all step up. If you’ll let them. Don’t look at me that way. You’re stubborn. Let them in, baby. Don’t wall yourself away. We loved epically. We got to experience what some people never do. You are my North Star. You’re my reason. You’re my everything. It hurts. I know it hurts so badly. But, I pray that this letter is something you find soon after I’m gone, so that you know it's okay, Monica.

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