Page 11 of Fourteen Years

It's okay to cry for me. It's okay to be devastated and grieve. But it's not okay to sit there in it, baby. I want you to live. I want you to find love again. You are not the type of woman that should ever have to do life alone. I am not the type of man that would ever expect you to play the martyred widow for the rest of your life. I don’t know who he will be. I have my suspicions. But ultimately the choice will be yours. Fate has to decide somewhat.

Let people in. Especially Trevor. He will love you with a ferocity that can only be matched by me, baby. The way that man looks at you. I know he has regrets. I love him like a brother now. I respect him. I am doing everything but shoving you at him and together. But if he wanted a chance, take it. He was your first love. He loves Lexi like his own. Like I love Lacey. I couldn’t imagine anyone better.

Stop scowling at me like that. You’ll get wrinkles.

Monica. I Love You. With every single fiber of my being. It's killing me to even write this. But I know I need to. Because I know you. This job is dangerous. We never know what could happen. I hope you never have to go through things to find it. But if you do, you need to know all of this. I’ll always love you.

If there’s a way, I’ll be using it to be with you all always. I LOVE YOU, Monica Rodgers. I love our babies. Be happy. For them. For ME. Fall in love again.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Paul <3

Sobbing, I pressed the papers with his handwriting to my chest, taking deep gasping breaths. That man. He’d had everything in order. He knew me inside and out. He knew I would sit in this grief. Iwasstubborn. Here I was a year and a half after he was gone, just finding this. Just feeling one more miniscule bit of closure.

“Monica?” I startled at Trevor’s concerned voice behind me. Folding the paper and putting it back in the envelope, I shook my head, wiping my tears away with shaking hands.

“Are you okay?” he was standing over me, behind me, from where I sat in front of the nightstand. I looked up at him, tilting my head back.

“Not quite. But I’m getting there a little more each day.”

Chapter 06

Looking in my rearview mirror, I fidgeted with my hair again. It looked fine and I didn’t know why I was so nervous. I was taking a middle-schooler to a father-daughter dance. Yet, it was a grieving middle-schooler who was my biological daughter’s half-sister.

Oh, and I was in love with her mother, my ex-wife. I shook my head and reached over, picking up the little wrist corsage that I had bought for Lexi. Monica had called me a couple weeks ago to let me know she’d chosen a blue dress, in memory of Paul. I went with the theme, wearing a matching blue shirt under my suit coat. Looking at the corsage I had to clear my own throat.

Tiny blue roses with baby's breath kept it simple, but I’d had the florist add a couple of charms. One was Paul’s badge number and another held a small picture of him. He’d been so excited about his turn at a dance like this with Lexi. Years ago when I’d picked Lacey up he’d jumped around like a kid himself, taking pictures and telling Lexi they’d do it some day.

I sighed and stepped out of the truck, shutting the door behind me. I hoped I'd made it special for Lexi, and there wouldn't be too much pain. I wanted her to have fun too. A couple of the guys from the police station had daughters around the same age and were taking them as well. They’d all promised to ask for a dance for Paul’s memory. Lexi had no idea. Monica had cried when I’d told her and made me promise to get pictures of all of them.

Ringing the doorbell, my own daughter opened it, leaning against the door jamb, giving me the up and down.

“Do I pass inspection, ma’am?” I turned, holding my arms out.

Lacey snorted and shook her head at me.

“Thank you for doing this for mom and Lexi,” she said softly.

“You know I’d do anything for them, and you.” I stated, reaching out and tapping the end of her nose, even as she scrunched it and tried to back away.Teenagers.

“I know. It's just been hard.” she broke off, staring down at her toenails, that I now noticed were painted black.What happened to bubble gum pink?I kept getting the reminders that she wasn’t my baby anymore.

Turning, she guided me into the house.

“Mom and Lexi are upstairs finishing the final touches” she used her fingers in sarcastic air quotes. “Mom ordered us chinese and is going to let me pick the movie,” she threw herself down onto the leather couch, pulling a fluffy blanket over her legs, left bare in her pajama shorts.

“That’ll be fun.” I encouraged, sitting in the recliner and crossing an ankle over my knee.

“I hope she’ll let me get something rated PG-13 or R since Lexi is going to be gone.”

I raised an eyebrow at her.

“What? I’m old enough.” she scowled now.

“I keep forgetting. I keep seeing that bald-headed baby they handed me so many years ago.”

“Dad!” she exclaimed, throwing a pillow at me.

---