Page 2 of Fourteen Years

“Lexi,” I began. “You know you can ask me whatever is bothering you, sweetheart.”

Her brown eyes immediately watered, moving towards the tiled kitchen floor, verifying it had to do with her deceased father. I took an audible breath, knowing that I would have to have another talk with them both about communicating with me. They were so worried about hitting a nerve with me talking about my husband that this was happening weekly now. I’d given them ample reassurances that they could talk to me about anything, whenever they needed. They felt like they were protecting me.

“It’s just, the father-daughter dance is coming up in a month,” she whispered in her quietest voice.

My entire body tensed, crossing my arms on the counter, I leaned over it to meet her eyes, to show her I was listening.

“I was going to ask Uncle Lucas, but I remembered he has Nat now and he’ll be going with her…and Daddy…” she trailed off, tears she had been fighting streaming down her face.

I stood and held my arms open and she stepped into them, burying her face in my ratty t-shirt. My typical after-work uniform of my husband’s old police academy shirt and my gray sweatpants were a regular occurrence.

“Shhh.” I said softly, keeping my voice from breaking. I counted backwards from ten in my head, breathing through my nose and out through my mouth to stay calm. “We’ll figure something out.” My mind was racing trying to think of something and some way to fix this.

Who could I ask to take my little girl to a father daughter dance? Could I take her?

“Ask my Dad,” said Lacey, quietly.

My eyes jerked up in surprise to meet hers but she was looking down at her feet. I was shocked. Usually Lacey was anything but helpful nowadays and wore her teenage angst like a badge of honor. I couldn’t help being in awe at whatever had her offering this.

Trevor. My first husband and high school sweetheart. I took a deep breath. We had a good relationship and had for years now that he was clean. Usually, Lacey was selfish when it came to him and his time, and I was caught off guard at her suggestion.

“That sounds like a good idea,” I choked out, finally speaking and releasing my youngest.

Lacey finally looked up at me, cheeks pink at the praise.

“Thank you for thinking of it. Would that be okay with you, Lexi?” I asked.

“Yes,” she hiccuped, wiping the tears from her cheeks and smiling at her sister who predictably rolled her eyes in return.

“I’ll call him later tonight and let you know what he thinks. You two, go wash your hands for dinner. No fighting.” I said, shooing them out of the kitchen.

Once alone, I braced my hands on the kitchen counter and took some calming breaths, rolling my shoulders.

To be honest with myself, I was barely hanging on by a thread. It had been one year and four months since I’d lost Paul and I still felt like he was in the house sometimes. His presence was so loud at times it was startling. I still expected him to walk around the corner from work, in his police uniform, and wrap me up in his arms.

“I miss you. How am I supposed to keep doing this alone?” I whispered out loud, my voice breaking into the silence of the kitchen. The oven timer went off and I blinked back my own tears. I hadn’t allowed myself to cry in so long I was afraid if I started it wouldn’t ever end. My phone beeped beside me at the same time and I picked it up, grateful for the small distraction.

Grinning at the message from my best friend, I peeked in at the lasagna I was making for dinner. It would need to go for a few more minutes.

Becks was like my sister. After she and her beautiful daughter entered our lives a couple of years ago, I couldn’t imagine my life without her. My girls loved her daughter, Nat, like another sister and we’d gotten even closer since Becks’ ex kidnapped her and we lost Paul in the process.

I sighed, placing my phone down on the counter and looked up at the ceiling. It was way to quiet up there.

“Girls! Dinner is ready. It doesn’t take this long to wash your hands!”

The thundering of feet on the stairs made me smile, yet ache inside. It wasn’t that long ago Paul’s voice would’ve been booming and laughing behind them, chasing them to the table. Lacey would’ve been laughing so hard she could barely stay upright, and Lexi tossed over his shoulder on the way. He could get Lacey out of her surliest moods and mediated their fighting better than I ever could.

Was I ever going to be able to go longer than five minutes without thinking of him without it killing me inside? Would the pain ever ease?

I didn’t feel like I’d taken a full breath since I’d found out he had left this Earth.

I picked up the pot holders, grabbing the lasagna and green beans. I walked to the table, setting them down in the middle by the tossed salad. Lacey made a face like she was going to argue over dinner, but my quirked eyebrow must’ve been enough to keep her silent. I took my usual seat and worked through the slight hesitation as both girls thought they hid looks at Paul’s empty place setting.

“So how was school?” my voice cut into the awkward silence.

As they both started talking over one another and I lost myself in their voices and the theatrics of middle and high schoolers, we passed food, and ate together. I believed I had done well staying strong for these two. I’d been holding it together this long. I could keep going. Falling apart and breaking wouldn’t help anything. It wouldn’t bring Paul back to us. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Never letting my girls see me fall apart except for the night we’d found out he’d left us.

I smiled and nodded, chuckling occasionally at some story they had about their day. As they were helping me wash and dry dishes while bickering again, I began bracing myself for the impending night. Lacey and Lexi would retire to their rooms for bed and another day of school tomorrow. I usually went into our room. My room? It didn’t feel right referring to it in the singular. I always waited until I was sure the house was quiet and then crept to my spot on the leather couch that I hated, but Paul had loved.

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