Page 9 of Fourteen Years

We’d planned this Saturday to go through my bedroom finally and hopefully get some closure. Trevor was coming over to help if things got too rough for me. A stable presence for the girls.

When I sat the girls down a couple of days ago after dinner, I’d finally laid everything out for them.

“What’s going on?” Lacey was eyeing me warily from her spot on the couch. Already dressed in the sleep shorts and tank top she preferred for bed. Her green eyes peeked out at me from the facial mask she was wearing as she drew her legs up to sit criss-cross.

When had she gotten so adult-like?

Lexi was fidgeting next to her, wearing one of Paul’s academy t-shirts. She’d asked for a few of them to rotate as sleep shirts. They comforted her and I let her take her pick. Lacey had taken a couple as well, but I never saw her actually wear them. I had a feeling she was sleeping with them like a blanket at night. I wasn’t going to pry and ask. We were all handling our grief in different ways.

“Nothing is wrong.” I shook my head at my oldest, crossing my own legs in the recliner. I was wearing my typical sweatpants and sweatshirt that I wore to bed. I always get so cold at night lately, and there was no body heat to keep me warm anymore.

“I just think I need to come clean to you about a few things. I know it's been rough since your dad passed.” I started, speaking softly, trying not to notice the way Lexi’s eyes immediately filled with tears.

“I’ve not been handling it as well as I could be.” I started speaking softly.

I laid out everything for them, within reason for their ages. The fact that it was too lonely in that room. I had been sleeping on the couch where they sat right now every night. Lacey looked concerned and worried while Lexi just silently cried.

“I haven’t handled my grief like I should’ve in front of you two. You all shouldn’t be tip-toeing around me, scared to bring your dad up because I may cry. It's okay to cry.”

The more I’d spoken, it seemed weights were dropping off both my girls' tense shoulders. I regretted letting it go on this long. My oldest’s eyes had sparked when I’d mentioned her father had been the one to finally cause me to break and admit some of this stuff. When I’d suggested clearing out my bedroom, they’d been eager to help. They’d taken what they wanted and what Paul would’ve wanted them to have in the weeks following his funeral.

Everything else I didn’t want or need had been sold or donated. It was literally our bedroom. Frozen in time because I was scared of forgetting the man I’d been married to. I could see the irrational part of that. There was no way I’d ever forget such a big presence in my life. Especially when our youngest looked so much like him.

“When’s Dad supposed to be here?” Lacey’s voice startled me. I hadn’t noticed her coming up behind me in my musings. Glancing at my phone, I noted the time.

“Any minute now—” I answered right as the doorbell rang.

Lexi was running towards the door, always eager to see Trevor, and I heard her excited voice greet him as she shook the ice cubes in her drink again.

“Lex!” Trevor exclaimed “Are you drinking a coffee? When did you get so big on us?”

“I’m thirteen.” I heard my daughter giggling and responding as they walked closer into the kitchen.

My eyes narrowed, taking in the energy drink clutched in his hand.

“I thought you’d given those up?” I pointed at it, tilting my head and staring at him, when I realized he looked good. Low-slung, gray sweats with a black shirt covering his muscular chest and arms. I had no business checking out my ex-husband like this. In the house I’d lived with my deceased husband for fourteen years. Shaking my head I met his eyes again.

His brow was quirked and he had a smirk on his face, like he’d caught me noticing him. I felt my cheeks heat, knowing they were pink now.

“What?” he asked, distracted from my question.

“The energy drink. You told me the other day you’d started drinking coffee?” I spoke again, raising my own eyebrow in response.

His eyes grew big and he shook his hair off his forehead.

“Right...” he seemed to be at a loss for words.

Something clicked in my head. This man.

“Trevor. Please tell me you did not buy a brand new coffee pot just because I was coming by your apartment for a conversation.” I laughed at the ridiculousness as Lacey watched the interaction intently. Lexi had already wandered off, back to her television show.

Trevor shrugged, “You know I’d do anything to make you happy, Mon,” he stated quietly.

He elbowed Lacey gently. “Hey beautiful.” He slung an arm around her shoulders drawing her close even as she tried to pull away, obviously too cool for her dad. He growled and kissed her forehead anyway as she rolled her eyes at him.

“Dad. So uncool.” she turned on her heel, stalking out of the room, trying to stomp her bare feet. Her chin-length hair was up in a sassy ponytail today.

Trevor shook his head, watching her walk out of the room.

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