Page 78 of Her Wolf of a Duke

Levi looked at his friend for a moment and wondered why he had never realized such a thing on his own. He had always admired her spirit, but the very thing he had fallen for had been the same reason he had to pull away. He did not want to cause her any pain.

He couldn’t do that to the lady he loved.

He had thought it best that he kept his distance so that he could not destroy her, but the more he thought about it the more he knew that that had never truly been his motive. He had been a coward, running away instead of facing his problems, and he could never be a good husband if he did that. Could he, he thought, ever forgive himself if he continued to run?

“She is sitting there right now,” Leonard continued, “wondering where you are and what you are doing, when she could be sitting with you and having a real discussion. You both could have been done with all of this, but now…”

“Now I have made her wait. I am such a bad husband.”

“You have things to change, but you are not a bad husband at all. Yourfatherwas a bad husband. You are not like that, you simply have to find ways to be better.”

Levi nodded, leaving for the door.

“You are yet to finish your hour,” Leonard reminded him.

“I do not need it, it appears.”

Leonard chuckled, showing him to the door.

“The bachelor life never was for you,” Leonard noted as they said their goodbyes. “I am pleased that you at last can leave your game of pretend behind.”

Levi wanted to believe that he had never been pretending, but he knew that he couldn’t lie to himself. He had never been interested in spending all of his time alone, or visiting brothels, or flirting with ladies without thinking ahead. He had always been a natural flirt, but it hadn’t been very entertaining for him, more a way of keeping the young ladies away, dragged from him by their mothers who did not wish to be brought into scandal.That was, until he met his wife. She had been fun to flirt with and to fluster, and though he never thought about that at the time he knew it was because he enjoyed spending time with her.

He went home straight away.

Emma was in the drawing room, not looking at anything in particular. It was as though she had fallen asleep with her eyes open, which unsettled him a great deal. Then, as he looked at her more closely, he couldn’t help but think about how beautiful she was. His perfect wife, that he had left because he didn’t know what to say to her.

He wondered what she was thinking. She could not be blamed if she was sitting in silence, making her plans to leave and live elsewhere; as a duke he owned many estates and she was able to live in any one of them. If she so chose, she could leave that very night and it would be entirely his own fault. He hated the thought of it, and he knew in that moment that he would do everything in his power to stop that.

And so, silently, he sat beside her. To his surprise, she leaned into his shoulder and sighed deeply.

“I must apologize,” he said softly, but she only hushed him in response.

“It is quite alright.”

“No, it isn’t. I want to apologize for how I have been. I have not been the husband that you deserve, and I am trying, you must understand that I am trying, but it is so difficult. I never planned to marry. I never thought that I would have to learn any of this.”

“I know,” she said gently. “I know this isn't what you planned and that it is an adjustment, but all I ask is that when something like this happens, we talk about it.”

“I would like that too. I promise to never leave you like that again.”

“Good. Now, if it is all the same to you, I should like to talk about what we were discussing. I would only like to say that I understand why you are afraid, and that I will not push the matter anymore. Should you ever change your mind, tell me, but other than that there is no need. I may never know how it felt, but I can understand that it was awful for you. If this is how you want it to be, then so be it.”

Levi nodded, not wanting such an ugly conversation to continue when he was in such a vulnerable state, but he planned to discuss it later. His childhood had been awful, and the curse paralyzed him with the fear that he could force that same fate upon someone else, but he wanted Emma to at least understand the full extent of that. That time would come eventually, but it would have to wait.

He shook his head, trying to think properly. He had been making everything wait, he thought to himself, and it had made everything worse. If he had something to say, he had to tellhis wife. There could be no more waiting and hoping that the problem disappeared.

“I want you to know,” he said suddenly, “that none of this was deliberate. I would never want to hurt you.”

“I know. You might not be the best with all of this, but for the most part I can see that you are trying.”

“I am. What makes it difficult is that I never had someone to watch, to learn from. A father— a father is supposed to be a pillar of strength, someone that can be relied on and seen as the best man to be. I could not do what most sons do. I watched him and in my mind I made a list of all the ways I refused to be.”

“I know how you feel,” she smiled softly. “As I lost my mother when I was young, I had to teach myself how to be a lady.”

“Did you not have a governess?”

She shook her head and laughed faintly.

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