Page 23 of Through the Fire

“Breathe. I’m going to be okay.”

I nodded slowly. I decided to trust his words. If I was going to commit to this, I had to trust he could do his job.

I placed a hand on his cheek. “Be safe.”

“Always.”

He kissed me quickly, trying his best to savor the feel of my lips before stuffing his phone in his pocket.

“Come lock the door behind me.”

I accepted his extended hand and followed him to the foyer where he put on his heavy-duty boots and jacket.

I stood at the door watching him rush to his truck. He was speeding down my street within a minute, and it took everything in me to close the door. I pressed my back against it. My chest heaved up and down as I started to overthink.

Shaking my head, I decided I wasn’t going to worry unless I had a reason to. It was a simple call that required his leadership, and once he handled everything, he’d be back. He was going to owe me all the snuggles I could handle, though. Once I felt levelheaded, I went back to my bedroom and climbed in bed. It was 3:00 a.m., which left plenty of time to get some sleep before it was time for breakfast.

* * *

Hours had passed.I woke up long after the rising sun only to check my phone to see I had no updates from Shyheim. I convinced myself to relax, but it only lasted a little while. Once I turned on the news and saw that the chemical spill he was called away for became an explosion that was still razing the skies, my heart sank to my toes.

I couldn’t move from the couch. My arms were locked around my knees, and my eyes were glued to the television. Little words slid across the screen announcing my worst fear to the world.One firefighter’s life was lost in a chemical explosion.The thought of losing Shyheim immediately after opening myself up to him had me in shambles. What I thought was bravery was obviously stupidity as it wasn’t even twenty-four hours since we explored one another intimately, and he was already affected by my curse. He had a daughter depending on him, and my selfish desires were going to take him away from her.

I squeezed my eyes shut trying not to entertain those thoughts, but it was difficult. I don’t know why I thought I could be with someone who had such a dangerous job. Every time he went to work, there was a risk that he wouldn’t make it home. Could I really handle that pressure? The stream of tears that splashed on my arms answered that question for me.

With my eyes still glued to the TV, I slid down into the fetal position on the sofa. This reminded me of the days after Rydell’s accident. The tragedy was on the news every hour on the hour.Breaking News!Breaking News!Breaking News!I hated those words, and now they were the only thing keeping me tethered to my sanity.

Dread filled every vein in my body, cementing me in place. I stayed there praying for relief from the pain, but it never came. I could feel Dell’s hands on my body the same as Shyheim. It was becoming more difficult to separate the two I had no choice but to consider ending things now.

I was falling apart at the thought of losing Shyheim. Actually, losing him would ruin me. I had to accept love was not in the cards for me in this lifetime. I tried living out my lover girl fantasies, but they inevitably kept coming back to kick me in the stomach. I was done feeling that kind of pain.

My phone chimed with a text message. I snatched it up desperately to find out if it was Shyheim. It was.

Lieutenant Troy:I’m okay, Izzy. I’ll be by once things calm down.

While I was happy to know he was okay, I realized my mind was already made up. I had to walk away to protect myself. The last restructure of my heart was done messily. I couldn’t survive a third hammer to my core. I thought I could be strong, but it turned out I was only good at doing so when I wasn’t being tested. This close call hit a little too close to home, and I was right. Loving someone with a dangerous job was too risky.

“Great work today, Cap,” Battalion Chief Floyd’s voice boomed around the locker room.

I glanced up to find him strolling toward me. I gave a curt nod because I didn’t feel accomplished. On my first incident command as captain, I’d lost a crew member, someone I’d known from training because his first day was also mine. Had I not excelled to a position of superiority where I didn’t have to risk my life in the same ways as Greg did, it could’ve been me who didn’t go home tonight. Nothing about that sat well with my soul. I plopped down on the bench and exhaled heavily.

“I understand. It doesn’t get easier as time passes, but we shoulder the burden because we literally risk our lives to save others.” He cupped my shoulder to offer comfort. Dropping my head in my hands I tried to make sense of what I was feeling. “Be sure you make an appointment with Regina. You’re going to be okay, son.”

I kept quiet even after he was long gone. All I wanted to do was go see Island and trap her against my body. I needed her soft and supple skin right now, to make her quiver and shake underneath me. It was something I could control because this heaviness had to fucking go.

After packing up my things, I left out the back of the station and headed for my truck. When I was inside, I checked my phone to see Island hadn’t responded to my text. I could only imagine what was going through her mind, so I started the engine with the intention of heading that way.

Once I arrived, I wasted no time parking and hopping out. With quick steps, I made it to her front door and rang the doorbell. It took her a while to come to the door, but eventually, she did. The second the door came open, I could tell something was off. I mean, apart from Island’s puffy red eyes, it didn’t feel right when I stepped over her threshold and secured the door behind me.

My palms became sweaty, and my heart started to race as I followed her deeper into the house. With the fading daylight, it was dark in her living room. The color was a little off from the usual open and comfy vibes her living room space offered. Still, I pushed it all aside because I needed her right now. Today was one of the hardest days I ever had, and the only person I wanted to share it with was silently sitting beside me like a statue.

“What’s up, Izzy? I know I didn’t get to come back as soon as I thought, but today got a little crazy.”

Her shoulders lifted slightly then dropped down.

“I saw,” she mumbled. She stared straight ahead in a distant daze. Something was up with her, but I didn’t want to push. She looked emotionally fragile, and I trusted that she would share with me when she was ready.

“Yeah, that was the craziest fire I’ve ever seen.” I ran a hand down my face and dropped my chin to my chest. “We lost someone today. Everyone keeps telling me it’s not my fault, but I feel partly responsible. As captain, it was my responsibility to keep my crew safe. I failed Greg and his family today.”

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