Page 24 of Through the Fire

My thoughts were barreling to a bad place, and to make matters worse, Island didn’t seem to be in the room with me. Her silence made me feel alone, and it was the last thing I needed right now. Sitting back on her couch, I tried to keep my leg from bouncing, but it was useless. Suddenly, I was feeling like a little boy again, a little boy who never got the attention he needed at pivotal moments in his life, a little boy who went from a straight-A student to a problem child because he thought it would get him more attention from his mother.

I intended to tell Island about my promotion, but this was why I kept it to myself in the first place. I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal…Iwasn’t a big deal… I ran a hand through my curls, feeling worse than I did when I walked up in here, and Island hadn’t said a fucking thing.

“I… um… thought I could do this, but I can’t,” Island whispered into the silence.

As shadows crept along the walls, I got the feeling I wouldn’t like where this was heading.

“Do what, Island?”

“This… us.” She waved her hands between us. “The thought of losing you was too much for me. I can’t live my life constantly worried about if something bad is going to happen to you.”

I froze in place as my heart processed her words. When it clicked, everything in me shattered into pieces. Shaking my head, I allowed my head to drop in my hands. I wanted to be shocked. I wanted to be caught off guard, but I knew better. I knew better than to believe in that spark of hope. This was what I was always given from women—the bare minimum or nothing at all.

I couldn’t lie like I didn’t want to believe Island would fight for this. I knew she felt how right everything about us was, and that was probably the real reason she was running. When I needed her to come closer, she was running in the opposite direction. Every time I needed them to show up for me, they fucking ran. What was it about me that didn’t deserve love and attention?

I couldn’t sit still for a second longer. Hopping to my feet, I beelined for the door. Island reached for my hand, stopping me. I slowed, but I didn’t turn to face her.

“I’m sorry, Shyheim.”

“I am too,” I replied. My voice was raw and hoarse from the many emotions I was experiencing. “I have to go.”

I didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing. Like Island, I had my own wounds that were busted wide open right now. I was bleeding all over her floor, and she didn’t care to even see why there was blood everywhere.

Thankfully, when I pulled away, she allowed me to go. Every step I took away from her felt heavier than the last. I was used to the weight though. I spent my entire life taking care of myself, carrying all my emotions on my own shoulders. Nothing had changed, except for the fact I allowed myself to believe that something could change. It never did, though. I was meant to go through the fire on my own. Hopefully, when I came out on the other side, there were still parts of me left.

“You haven’t touched your plate at all,” my mama noted, bringing me into the present.

I was having dinner with my parents and brother, but apparently, they were all watching me while I didn’t eat. I absentmindedly spooned my mashed potatoes for the hundredth time. My brain chatter was stuck on a constant loop, and I couldn’t turn it off.

“What is it, Island? What’s bothering you?” Daddy asked with genuine concern.

I sighed heavily then sank deeper into my seat and slouched. I shrugged.

“I don’t know. I did something, and it doesn’t feel as safe as I thought it would.”

Jayce, never being one to beat around the bush, made sure there was no room for confusion.

“She broke up with Shyheim after the chemical explosion freaked her out.”

Considering how close they were, I guess Shyheim let the cat out of the bag. I pinned him in place with a glare, but all he did was shrug. Then he had the nerve to go back to eating his food. I tried to ignore the curious eyes on me, but it was no use. Eventually, I lifted my head to face my parents head-on.

“Go ahead and say it,” I blurted out after another spell of silence.

My mama shook her head and shrugged. “We’ve talked about this before, Island. The only way to heal is... is by allowing yourself to experience and give love again.”

I scoffed. “That’s easy for you to say, Ma. You’ve never lost the man you love… twice.”

My tone was more cynical than I wanted it to be. Sighing, I deflated, losing all my fight.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay, baby. You’re right. I don’t know what that is like, but I know what it’s like to have love, something so real and tangible I can touch it just about any time I want. And because it’s mutual, every time I reach, he’s already reaching back.”

Her words ruined me because I wanted to believe I’d get to experience that. However, it seemed every good thing I received never lasted for long. Why pump myself full of fantasies that were unlikely to come true? Having to be surrounded by the love between my parents was the reason I left the first time. I didn’t want it to come to a place where I had to leave again to protect my peace.

“We just want the best for you, baby girl. You can take as long as you need to heal, but don’t use it as an excuse not to live in the present. We know you’ve lost more than most, and because of that, you deserve twice as much love. I would hate for you to miss out on that trying to do God’s job for him.”

I guess it was gang up on Island day because Jayce decided to chime in too.

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