Page 25 of Through the Fire

“I know you’re scared, but that nigga is too. He gets to be himself around you. After dealing with that sorry excuse of a baby mother of his, he needs a woman like you. Shyla does too. Even a glimpse of the love you have to give has changed both of their lives. Don’t ruin a good thing trying to recreate stories from your past.”

All their words fell on my shoulders heavier than bricks. I couldn’t ignore it because this was my family. They loved me and would always want what was best for me. At the same time, they didn’t know what it was like to have this crippling fear following you everywhere you went like a shadow. Every time you wanted to follow the light, the shadow grows bigger than ever before, and in that moment, all you can think about is not being swallowed up.

“Can I be excused?” I whispered softly, unable to sit here any longer.

My mother sighed but nodded. My chair slid across the floor as I rushed to stand and leave. In need of some fresh air, I headed to the front porch. My parents had rocking chairs that faced the horizon. I had perfect timing as the sun was beginning to set for the day. The array of orange, pink, purple, and blue eased my aching heart in a way humans couldn’t. Nature was beautiful in its own way, and I could only be thankful for the creator of it all. The creator who knew at this very moment I would need to inhale this slice of heaven to feel brave enough to fight another day.

Humming a tune, I slowly began to rock the chair back and forth. My parents lived in the country part of Hazelwood, which was further proven by the silence. It was exactly what I needed right now. I had too many voices in my head and too many emotions to cipher through.

An image of Shyheim appeared in my mind. I sighed, realizing amongst the many things I was feeling, longing was one. I missed sharing air with him. I missed him invading my personal space without my permission. I missed seeing his hazel eyes light up with mischief when he was about to cross a line. I yearned for his husky voice to vibrate every ion in my body to the beat of his heart. I knew I didn’t deserve one more caress of his calloused but gentle hands, yet I desired it even more.

The harder I pushed myself away from him, the more isolated I was feeling. I thought ending the relationship would save me from hurting, but instead, it created its own type of hurt. It was the hurt of knowing I was robbing myself of a future. Shyheim was a living, breathing man I could pull up on right now to make things right with. I wouldn’t, though. There was this sliver of hesitation that wouldn’t turn me loose.

I sighed when a red bird flew on the railing of the porch. Placing my hands to my lips I blew kisses at it like the old folks said to do. If this was a visit from a departed loved one, I wanted them to know the love we shared stayed on my mind. Carrying their memory in my heart wasn’t the easiest task, but I was managing. Now, how much longer I could manage was still up in the air. These days, I felt myself teetering on the edge of insanity.

I took in my surroundings, thinking about the many times I watched the sun set at Mt. Juliette with Rydell. That was our thing. We’d recap our day as the sun descended so that when it rose again, we could start the new day with a clean slate. And on the days when talking was too much, we’d sit in silence. Offering a touch here or a kiss there for comfort while understanding sometimes silence was the solution.

Thinking about those evenings in the park inspired me to remember the talks we’d have about the future. If I was honest, a lot of those desires we’d shared were still alive to this day. They were just buried deep down inside. Being a wife and mother topped the list. I wanted to do the cheesy trip to Disney World where we spared no expense and wore matching outfits. Traveling everywhere we could was something we spoke about often, and I didn’t even have my passport.

There were dreams of purchasing the one thing God wasn’t giving more of to really lay down roots. I’d begun the process of designing our dream home even while we shopped for our starter home. I was looking forward to decorating everything as the seasons changed and holidays came and wearing color-coordinated outfits on special occasions or sending postcards to our loved ones.

As my eyes landed on the bird, I couldn’t fight the feeling that Rydell would want more for me. He wouldn’t want me to play it safely for the sake of keeping his memory alive. Crossing my legs, I couldn’t help but reach for the ring around my neck. I fiddled with the silver, remembering all the dreams I refused to entertain. Before this moment, I hadn’t realized ignoring them didn’t make them disappear.

I owed it to myself to stop shutting myself off from love. It was the essence of everything that surrounded me. I didn’t want to continue living as the walking dead. I wanted to feel… even the things that hurt because it was a reminder that I was alive. And if there was breath in my lungs, then there was an opportunity for healing to take place if I allowed it to happen.

Staring at my phone, I debated whether I should call Island or not. Despite the pain I was feeling, I knew Island was a woman with scars. She never denied it. In fact, she always tried to prepare me for the day they exposed themselves.“I’m scared…”She’d told me that so many times, yet I forgot it when it mattered most.Now that I was seeing clearly, giving up on her didn’t sit right with me because I saw her as more than a woman I adored. I saw Island as a friend. I told Jayce I wanted to help her heal, and it was still true.

Island didn’t need someone who allowed her to push them around depending on her mood. She needed someone who would fight back, who could help her see that, with time, she could heal. She needed patience and understanding because I didn’t know what she was feeling, but I knew she was worth waiting for… fighting for even.

Biting the bullet, I unlocked my phone and went to her contact. I held my breath with each ring until her voicemail came on the line. While waiting for the beep I tried to think of what I was going to say, but when the time came, my mind went completely blank.

“What’s up, Izzy? I’m not going to lie. I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. I’m sorry I left without saying something the last time I saw you… I needed time to process what was happening, and now that I have, I have some shit to say. Losing you is not an option. I told you I was here for you, and I meant it. I respect you ending things, but don’t end our friendship too. You’ve become my person, and I haven’t felt right not talking to you.”

Sighing, I dropped my head into my hand and wiped my mouth.

“Um, I guess all I want you to know is that I am here. I don’t care about you pushing me ’cause I know how to push back. And when you’re ready to face your fears, I’ll be right here holding your hand every step of the way, leading you through the darkness until you remember what it feels like to walk in the light. When you’re ready to stop being a scary ass little girl, I will be here no matter how long it takes. I believe in you, Island. You’re the strongest person I know. There is no battle that can defeat you.” I hesitated then remembered I had nothing to lose. “I love you. Call me back, baby. I miss you, and I want to make sure you’re okay.”

Removing the phone from my ear, I ended the call with a huff. I meant every word I said, and that gave me a sense of peace. It felt good to acknowledge how I felt, even if she never did. Glancing at my little girl playing nearby on the playground, I knew I couldn’t allow heartbreak to harden my heart. Instead, I was going to pour everything I was missing into her, so she’d never have these same bullet holes in her heart.

Icouldn’t see anything and had to navigate my floor plan by memory as I carried a pile of laundry to the laundry room. Music flowed through my home speakers creating a vibe. I was determined to clean up today because my space was becoming cluttered, and anytime that happened, I knew it was a direct reflection of my mental state.

Shyheim now took up as much space in my mind as Blain and Rydell did. If not more. That’s how I really knew things had changed. Tossing a laundry pod in the washing machine, I slammed the lid shut then walked to the living room.

My stomach rumbled, and I thought about ordering groceries. I didn’t want to be seen right now, but a girl had to eat. Grabbing my phone, I unlocked it and was about to click into the Instacart app when I saw a notification that caught my eye. It was a missed call and voicemail combo from Shyheim.

I nibbled on my bottom lip as I eased on the sofa. Inhaling deeply, I clicked on the voicemail notification. I held my breath as I went through the steps to get it to play. Serenity flowed through my veins when I heard his voice. I froze in place hearing his declarations and confessions. If I wasn’t sitting down, I’d be weak in my knees. He unexpectedly brought tears to my eyes. I’d never met a man who was willing to fight through the darkness with me.

Tears flooded my eyes as I played the message again. I was about to play it a third time when my mother’s call cut it off. I sniffled, wiping my tears with the back of my hand, and tried to gather myself. Once I felt normal, I answered her call.

“Hey, Mama.”

“Hey, baby. Turn on WLTX right now.”

I stared down at the phone. “Uh, okay?”

I reached for the remote then flipped it on. I quickly switched to channel nineteen and froze when I saw Shyheim’s face plastered on the screen.

Local Fire Captain Shyheim Troy Saves Child from House Fire with Quick Thinking and Determination.

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