Page 49 of Love Under Siege

The words spill out like a torrent, but deep down, I know this isn’t how I usually handle things. I’m always the one who lets the emotions flow freely, but now, something feels different. It’s as if I’m trapped in a cage of my own making, the weight of my guilt keeping me silent.

If I just stay quiet, maybe the enormity of what’s happened won’t suffocate me completely. But the ache inside is relentless. “If I had just stayed at my parents’ home, NANA WOULDN’T BE DEAD!”

My heart races, and I’m pacing now, a frantic rhythm that does nothing to ease the turmoil inside. The silence that follows is deafening. I can’t catch my breath, and it feels like I’m drowning in a sea of despair. “Nana is gone, Lana! She’s just… gone! Those monsters killed her because of ME! How can I go on living with that fact?”

But as I stand there, I realize that lashing out won’t change anything. It won’t bring Nana back. My thoughts swirl, and instead of letting the anger take over, I push it down deep, feeling the tension simmer beneath the surface. I can’t let my grief dictate how I react. I can’t let it control me any longer.

Taking a shaky breath, I fight for composure, reminding myself that my outbursts won’t bring her back. Instead, they only serve to alienate the people who care about me, including Lana. I swallow hard, the lump in my throat a painful reminder of my loss, but I refuse to let it spill over. Not now. I need to be stronger than this. I have to find a way to honor Nana’s memory without letting this darkness consume me.

I collapse to my knees, the tears flooding down my cheeks. Lana is there, she rubs my back, trying to soothe me, but the grief is too raw, too overwhelming.

After what feels like an eternity, Lana cups my tear-streaked face in her hands. “Anya, stop blaming yourself. Nana loved you. She was your grandmother—do you really think she wouldn’t have done anything to protect you? You’ll drive yourself mad if you keep carrying this guilt. I know people have treated you like this before, made you feel like everything bad is your fault, but you can’t let them dictate how you see yourself. Do you know why?”

I shake my head, wiping at the tears that won’t stop falling.

“Because you’re a badass,” my mom says, and it takes me by surprise since I’ve never heard her curse in my life. She wraps her arm around me, “You’ve been dealt one crappy hand after another, but you survived! Anya, do you hear me? You. Survived!” she says

“Exactly! You are a survivor because you’ve got that badass woman’s genes and blood running through your veins!” She points back toward the room where Nana lies.

A broken laugh escapes me, and I nod, trying to take in her words. My mom being here is definitely a surprise but I’m glad she is coming around and I’ve always been able to count on Lana to bring me back, to pull me out of the darkest places and make me laugh again. We stand up, and I hug them both, my heart still heavy but a little less suffocating.

“Thanks, I needed that,” I whisper.

“Duh, that’s what best friends are for,” she replies, bumping her shoulder against mine.

My mom strokes my hair, “I know I wasn’t the best supporter for you but you can count on me to be there from now on.” I smile and lean into her. “Come on, let’s get back in there.” She adds, leading us back inside.

Lana links her arm through mine, and together, we walk back into the room. It still hurts, but with Lana by my side, and my mom and I fixing our relationship, maybe—just maybe—I can get through this.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Jacob

After the funeral both Marissa and I head back to the farm. I still can’t believe my mom is gone, it doesn’t feel real but I know it is. I have so many questions and very little answers.

“Hey what’s this?” Marissa asks holding up an envelope with my name on it.

“I don’t know” I say and she hands it to me. I immediately recognize Anya’s handwriting. “It’s from Anya!” I say excitedly and quickly open the letter.

Jacob, I have so many things to say but I don’t know how to say them. This letter is one of the hardest letters I’ve had to write…

I grip the letter, hoping this isn’t a “dear John” letter. My nerves are slowly climbing inside my chest. I continue reading.

I am so very sorry; I am beyond sorry! I never meant for any of this to happen. I hope that one day you’ll forgive me for getting your mom killed. I never thought that he would follow me out here. I thought I was safe! God! Why is this so hard!

I can almost hear her voice coming through the page, and I notice some tear stains that made the ink streak.

I have to stay away Jacob, for Marissa’s safety, I saw the pregnancy test in the bathroom and since I know neither me nor your mom took it, I figured it was Marissa’s. She is all you have left of your family and I cannot put them in danger…not again. I promise I will come back once I know it’s safe again. Please wait for me my love, I can’t lose you too. I know by the time you’ve read this you would have heard that Nana died too. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that…for either of them. I’m sorry I am doing this over a letter but I just know that if we spoke on the phone, you would convince me to stay. I still love you more than anything and it is a BIG reason why I have to wait till it’s safe. I’m gonna be thinking about you every day. So, this isn’t goodbye, it’s just a simple see you later.

I love you!

Anya

I stare at her letter, rereading it over and over again. She blames herself, and she shouldn’t! I slam the paper down and Marissa flinches and then has a confused look on her face.

“What happened?” she asks.

“She left, she…she left and said she’ll come back when it’s safe. She didn’t want to put the baby in danger” I say feeling frustrated and helpless. “It’s no wonder she hasn’t called me back” I say.

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