Page 51 of Love Under Siege

I stare at my reflection in the mirror, my hands shaking as I swipe on a bit of mascara. Everything feels wrong about tonight, like I’m playing dress-up in someone else’s life. Going out to a club? After everything that’s happened? I know everything is supposed to be okay, Caleb is in jail. The threats are no more, but it feels wrong somehow. Nana and Jacob’s Mom both gone and I’m going out?! But Lana was right, Nana wouldn’t want me sulking around. Nana wasn’t one to dwell in grief, even when her mom died, Nana still went to her social events.

“Nana would want you to live, Anya. She wouldn’t want you stuck in this grief,” Lana said earlier, her tone soft but firm.

She was right, Nana was always a fighter, she may not have looked it but she was one of the strongest women I’ve known. If I’m completely honest, it will be good to do something that reminds me of the time when everything was good, memories of being with her this summer.

A place where I can pretend for a few hours that my life isn’t completely falling apart. That I’m not consumed by guilt every time I think about Nana... about Jacob’s mom. God, it still feels surreal, like I’m stuck in a nightmare I can’t wake up from. But this isn’t a dream, this is real.I will get through this!

I wipe away a tear before it can smudge the mascara. No more crying tonight. I can’t cry anymore. Not in front of Lana. She’s been so good to me, trying to keep me together when I feel like I’m unraveling.

I grab my clutch, taking a deep breath before heading downstairs. Lana is waiting by the door, her bright red lipstick and bold attitude already outshining the dark cloud that hangs over me.

“You ready?” she asks, her eyes scanning me like she’s checking for any sign of hesitation.

“Yeah,” I lie, forcing a smile that doesn’t reach my eyes.

She grins and grabs her keys. “Okay, tonight, is all about you forgetting all this bullshit, even if it’s just for a little while.”

I nod, even though I know there’s no way I’ll forget. But I let her think I might.

The drive to the club is quiet, except for the sound of Lana singing along to the radio. I keep my eyes on the road ahead, trying to push away the dark thoughts that cling to me like shadows. The guilt. The fear. The constant feeling that someone is watching me. I’ve felt it for weeks now, like I was never really alone, even when I am.

When we finally pull up to the new club, the place is buzzing with people. The neon lights flicker against the dark sky, and the heavy bass of the music spills out onto the street. It’s louder, more crowded than I expected, and my stomach twists with nerves. I don’t know if I’m ready for this.

“You okay?” Lana asks as we get out of the car.

“Yeah, just… nervous,” I admit. I don’t know why, but I feel like something is off.

“We’ll take it easy,” Lana assures me, linking her arm with mine. “Come on, let’s just have some fun.”

I nod, though the unease in my chest doesn’t go away. We join the line to get inside, and I can feel the weight of the crowd pressing in on me. I glance over my shoulder, half-expecting to see something—or someone—lurking in the shadows. But there’s nothing there. Just my paranoia playing tricks on me again.

Finally, we make it inside, and the overwhelming noise hits me all at once. The music is so loud it vibrates through my bones, and the flashing lights make everything feel surreal, like I’m walking through a dream. Lana leads me toward the bar, ordering us drinks as we push through the throng of people.

“Here,” she says, handing me a shot. “This’ll help.”

I down it without hesitation, hoping the alcohol will numb the anxiety clawing at my insides.

Lana grabs my hand and pulls me onto the dance floor. The crowd is thick, bodies pressed together as the music pulses through the room. I try to lose myself in the rhythm, to let the beat drown out everything else. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong.

Every time I look around, I still feel like I’m being watched. My skin prickles, and I catch myself glancing over my shoulder again and again. The shadows seem to move, twisting in the flashing lights, but when I focus, there’s nothing there.

Lana must sense my unease because she pulls me off the dance floor and out to the patio for some air. “You okay?” she asks, her voice concerned.

“I just… I don’t know. I feel weird. Like someone’s watching me,” I admit, wrapping my arms around myself. The cool night air does little to calm the rising panic in my chest.

Lana gives me a understanding smile, and begins looking around. “It’s probably because it’s so crowded in there. Too many people.”

“Maybe,” I mutter, though I’m not convinced.

"Do you want to leave and go back to your place?" she asks, concern in her eyes. I feel guilty because she went through all of this trouble to help me.

I shake my head and reply, "No, but I could use another drink." I can tell she's suspicious as she looks at me.

"Are you sure? I don't mind going home," she says, hesitating.

I give her a small smile and say, "I'm sure. It's just that I've been on edge for so long, it's hard for me to relax." She nods reluctantly and we order more drinks before returning to the dance floor. As the night goes on and we continue drinking and dancing, I start to feel better. The alcohol has finally eased my nerves and we're both laughing and having a good time. After hours of partying, we're both drunk and stumbling around, laughing uncontrollably. "We should probably head home," I say with a slurred voice, followed by laughter. Lana agrees and calls a ride share on her phone. We continue giggling as we make our way out to the parking lot. In that moment, I am truly happy for the first time in a long time, although I couldn't tell you why exactly.

We are both laughing and stumbling over our feet when I hear it—a voice calling my name.

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