Page 91 of The Demons We Hide

I sob. The tears I'd tried so fucking hard to hold back springing forward until there's no denying them anymore. I scream and cry and beg to be set free. The arms never ease their grip. Instead, they hold me tighter, impossibly slow. Then, the world tilts and I'm dropping down, closer to the Earth until I can feel grass under me again and I realize we're rocking. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Slow hums and mumbles penetrate my hazy mind. I hiccup, gasping for breath as cold air whips against my wet cheeks. I'm shaking all over, my limbs jerking and seizing as I'm forced to lean forward several inches and then gently pulled back again.

It takes me far too long to realize that it's Lex's doing. He's on the ground and I'm splayed over his lap as he rocks the two of us back and forth, his voice quiet and soft as he murmurs to me. I suck in a breath and then another and another, the racing thudding of my own heart easing out of my ears and returning to my chest where it belongs.

Throat raw, face stinging, I go still. No more fighting. No more screaming. No more sobbing, even if tears continue to streak down my face.

"You're okay. It's okay. I'm here. You're okay, baby. I'm here." Lex's words penetrate my thick skull until I finally actually hear the words he's speaking. I grit my teeth as fresh tears fill my eyes and I try and fail to blink them away.

How the fuck is someone who should hate me saying everything that I needed to hear from those that were supposed to love me?

"I'm here with you. You're okay, baby. You're not alone. I'm here. You're gonna be okay." He continues, repeating the words over and over again as if he doesn't quite realize yet that I'm no longer struggling against him. My hips hurt and I glance down, gasping when I see the long scratches of red on the arms still bound around me.

Lex's words pause. "Baby?"

I bite down against the urge to defend myself, to demand to be released. I ... hurt him. I hurt Lex and he ... let me? Why would he do that?

Lex turns me in his arms, using his strong hold to keep me balanced on his lap as one arm remains around my back and the other slides my legs to the side. Dark eyes the color of the clouds overhead stare down into my face. There's something deadly in his eyes, and yet, when he looks at me, I feel like I'm the only thing he sees. Not just my exterior, but deeper—into the crevices that I hide from even myself.

One hand lifts, and he pauses when my instinct forces me to flinch away. "I..." His brow creases. "I won't hurt you, baby," he whispers. "I just want to touch you. Can I touch you?"

Can I touch you?It’s a request, a question. It's notLet me touch you, a demand, an order. Somehow, because of that difference, I manage to bob my head in a silent ascent. His hand draws closer, palm cupping my cheek.

I release a pent-up breath and he bends his head, our foreheads brushing. We sit like that for several long moments. Nothing but the sound of crickets chirping in the grass and a bird fluttering above our heads somewhere in the woods.

"Where are we?" My voice, when I speak, sounds choked and raw. Probably because of my screaming. I don't know how loud I was, but I'm glad we're nowhere near civilization right now.

"Away," he whispers back. "You didn't seem like you wanted to go home, so I took you ... away for a little bit."

I bite down on my lower lip as it begins to tremble, a warning sign that I'm about to start crying again. I don't speak for a long while, my throat too tight to formulate sound as I rest against him, skin to skin with his hands holding me still. They no longer feel confining. If anything, it feels like the only thing keeping me grounded to the earth is Lex's touch.

When Lex attempts to release me and move back, I lean forward, pressing myself into him. I've never needed touch like I do right now, and though I'm more than shocked that the desire to be held is focused on him, I don't question it. I'm tired of questioning myself and of pretending like I don't crave to be just like every-fucking-body else. I wish this were easy for me, but it's not.

With a sigh, I collapse against Lex's chest, and though he stiffens in surprise, it's not long before his arms come around me. There's an image in my mind of what we must look like. It's fuzzy and unclear, but not ... unwelcome.

He's warm against my side, and his arms don't stray from my back or sides. He doesn't reach for one of my breasts or lower to my ass. Not the way Bran inevitably would.

"You don't want to talk about it."

My lashes flutter open, making me realize that in the silence, I'd closed my eyes. Lex doesn't speak again. He waits for me. Has anyone else ever waited for me to talk? It doesn't feel like it. If they have, it's only because they wanted something from me. An answer. A reveal. A secret that isn't theirs to demand.

Lex doesn't push, though. He remains silent after proving that he does, in fact, know me. Because he's right, I don't want to tell him why I had this breakdown. I don't want to talk about it—not with him and not with anyone else. If given half a choice, I'd stuff this back into the cold, dark box in the back of my mind where it belongs and leave it there to rot.

"You don't have to," he quietly informs me sometime later.

I lift up and look at him. "Are you serious?"

He doesn't look away. "Of course."

My brow puckers. "I..." My eyes move down to the arm stretched across my lap and the deep grooves I scratched into his skin. Guilt eats away at my insides. "I'm sorry."

"Hey." Lex grasps my chin and tips my head up once more until our eyes are locked and there is no looking away. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

I touch his arm, tracing the pads of my fingers down the marks I made in my panic attack. Homeless. Jobless. Tonight was a culmination of so much and I didn't see it coming. The tidal wave of emotions had swamped me before I'd even known it was coming and all at once, I was back there again. In the past and there was no escape.

"I'm still sorry," I whisper.

Lex sighs, the action making his chest heave up and down, pressing against me. "How about this," Lex offers. "If you ever want to talk, you'll come to me?"

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