“No. You stay here where no one can get to you. We’re staying too. Want me to grab you anything from your room?” Renzo looked like he’d hope I’d say yes so he could have some sort of mission. Something told me he didn’t do well sitting still. “Blanket, books — although, I think he has enough of those here. Clothes, maybe?”
“I don’t really have anything,” I admitted quietly. “Just two outfits that were given to me in addition to the one I was wearing when I was taken and the books Alaris gave me. Aerin and Malik were supposed to give me time to pack but they didn’t.”
Kell touched Renzo’s arm softly. “She should eat real food. You could go get her some.”
“Yeah. Burrito?” he asked, his smile as genuine as it could be for the mood settling around us. “I’ll also get you some more clothes if you want, but Alaris wouldn’t mind it if you wore his too.”
“I was told I wasn’t allowed to eat burritos in front of people anymore,” I mumbled, pointedly looking away. “I’m not picky about the clothes... I’ll wear his.”
They shared a laugh at that. “Never knew Alaris to be so possessive, but I guess it makes sense. He’s different with you, Addy. In a good way, but I’m still getting you a burrito.”
Renzo took his leave and Kellian locked the door behind him and rubbed the back of his neck. “You gonna be okay?”
“Yes, but I need you to distract me and I think you need that, too. So tell me more about you and Renzo,” I prompted, getting myself some water to wash the taste of blood from my tongue. “How’d that happen?”
He shifted a little. “For a while, it was just me and Ris. We were born six days apart. Ciro’s younger than us by about a hundred years or so, so we grew up without him. Then Ris and Renzo got in a fight in a bar one night and it somehow led to him being our first real bloodwhore, and I knew pretty early that I didn’t want to share him. But Discipline trumps Wealth, even in friendships,” he explained. “Went on like that for a couple of years and Renzo begged us to turn him, so we did. Once he couldn’t feed us anymore, things changed.”
I took a slow sip. “Like how?”
Kellian shrugged. “Well, Ren had a bloodlust we didn’t anticipate, for starters. We had to keep him locked up at one point, but he’s calmed down over the years. I still think his favorite thing to do is watch blood drip down someone’s skin so he can catch it on his tongue and lick it all up. But we took care of him, and in that time, it brought us together. I mean, we could have easily killed him if we had to, but we never would’ve.Inever would’ve, and now even Ris sees him as family. We don’t care if he’s Faux, he’s ours. I’m drawn to him in a way I can’t explain. Can you explain why you’re drawn to Ris? Because if you can, I want to know. Makes me feel crazy sometimes.”
“Not really. He kind of asked me the same question and I feel dumb for not having an answer, but I spent so much time afraid of him and hating him that I didn’t have room for anything else,” I explained. “And now... there’s more to him than he let me see. When was the last time you and Renzo were together? Does he know how you feel?”
“Last night,” Kell huffed. “We’re together pretty much every day, especially lately, but yeah. He knows. He feels it too, he’s told me. I just think maybe it feels different for a human. Remember when you and I talked about emotions and stuff?”
“That you feel things deeper than I can imagine, you’re just rockstars at compartmentalizing?” I asked.
“We’re really not, but yeah. I’m pretty sure I know the day you were born because of the affect it had on Alaris. We feel things we don’t even understand, and even though all the signs say what you two are, he denies it because wants to know what you two have is what you both want, not destiny.”
I nodded a little, suddenly feeling bad for both of them. If what Kellian said was true, he was in love with someone who could never fully reciprocate the way that he did, and Alaris was potentially headed down the same path. “Why not just set me free then so he doesn’t have to deal with it? I don’t understand.”
“Because it’s too late. He’d burn the world for you now, and that includes himself. I saw flashes of his thoughts before he cut us off. If Ciro kills you, he’ll be on a suicide mission. Mates don’t do well apart and they do even worse if one of them dies, whether or not they ever bond. And I didn’t mean to, but I heard what you just thought, and that’s not how it is. Humans can love as hard as us, just not until they’re ready. I’ve seen the way my mom looks at my dad, and sometimes, I’m sure she loves harder than him. Ren’s close, and something tells me you are too.”
More of that wishful thinking.“I don’t know what to say, Kellian. I want to tell you you’re not wrong, but I don’t think I even trust him. He saved me just to torture me twenty years later and... never mind. I’m exhausted from repeating all the reasons he’s given me to hate him. I’m worried for him, but this has been a lot to take in, especially about a man who won’t even kiss me.”
“What?” He frowned, eyes gliding down the bite marks on my neck. “He fucked you and didn’t kiss you?”
There goes any hope I might’ve had that vampires just aren’t the kissing kind. “Yeah. Couple of times... and my throat. I’ve got more bite marks than I can count, but the closest he’s come is right here.” I gently touched the corner of my lips as I felt myself blush — I felt like an idiot for even caring, especially with everything going on. I just couldn’t reconcile the man Kellian was telling me about with the one that used me as he pleased and wouldn’t kiss me.
“I won’t defend him. He’s a dumbass and maybe he did it for a reason, but I get why you have your reservations. Keep them until he proves himself to you. I’m telling you about my best friend of five hundred years, not about the unhinged vampire you’ve met. He’ll figure it out. I just hope he doesn’t lose you in the process.”
“I’m not some... I don’t know. Lovesick teenage girl who expects to be swept off her feet,” I said, a little more forcefully than I meant to. “I know this isn’t a fairytale. I feel so stupid for even caring, but it seems ridiculous to me that I’ve had sex multiple times but I’ve never had my first kiss. Seems like that’s something that was supposed to be special, along with the million other things I feel like he stole from me. Then I go and do something stupid the moment he starts proving to me that he’s more than a murderer hellbent on controlling me, and now he’s going to suffer and I can’t help him. Part of me doesn’t want to help him, but the rest wants to help him so badly, it’s making me crazy. So yeah,” I huffed. “I guess I do get what you meant after all.”
Before Kellian could respond, Renzo knocked on the door with our food. We ate in a tense silence I had a feeling wasn’t actually silent, and when we were finished, Kellian left to go check out the castle, leaving Renzo and I behind on the couch.
“How’s he taking it? Kellian. He’s blocking me out a little, I can tell.”
“Probably so you weren’t subjected to the same thing he was,” I deadpanned. “And now I feel even worse because I didn’t really ask him about that. I asked him about you then monopolized the conversation.”
“You carry a lot of guilt, Addy. Shit happens, you can’t keep feeling bad over everything. I know that’s easier said than done, but if you feel guilt and regret, they leave no room for anything else. No room for love.”
I dropped my head to the table and just shut my mouth, wishing I’d been alive for hundreds of years to gain the emotional maturity they had. In my own mind, I was proud of myself for not curling up into the fetal position and crying all day every day — but he was right, and I was trying to be better about it. “How are you?” I asked the wood, barely turning my face at all. “I’m sure it wasn’t easy standing outside the courtroom and not going in.”
“One of the hardest things I’ve done in two hundred years, honestly, especially with how they were talking to him. But he was pretty clear about what he thought was best, and I trusted him. He broke the chains when his father told him what Ciro was owed and I thought it was about to be an all-out war, but they had Azel put him under and said he wasn’t to be harmed.”
I nodded a little, wishing the fifty pound weight on my chest would go away. “Do you think they’ll let us see him anytime soon?”
“Not for at least a day, then he’ll get water. I’ll take you down when it’s time so you can be the one. Do you want to see him?”