Page 86 of Fault Line

“You don’t want to talk anything out?” he offers, his dark gaze locked on mine. “I could help you prep.”

“For things like this, I work better alone. But thank you.”

He leans over the center console for a kiss, but I can’t bring myself to return it. I duck my chin at the last second, unwilling to drag him into my headspace right now. I can see the hurt in his eyes, but I don’t know what else to say.

It’s not his fault; it’s mine. It’s hard enough to let him in on a regular day, but when I’m feeling like this, it seems impossible.

“I get it,” he says softly, leaning back into his seat. “Just ... text me later if you need anything, okay?”

I nod, my throat tight with emotion. “Okay. I will.”

He gives me a small smile before reaching over to squeeze my shoulder. “Take care of yourself, Karras.”

I grab my bag and get out of the car, trying to push down the guilt in my chest. As I walk up the stairs to my apartment, I pause at the threshold, trying to steady myself. I know I need to focus on my future, on making sure I’m on the right track and doing everything I can to achieve my goals.

Once inside, I head straight to my desk, pull out my laptop, and dive into my work. I need to keep my hands busy, to focus on something other than the mess that’s going on inside my head. But as I write, my thoughts keep drifting back to Holden.

I can’t ignore the way my heart aches at the thought of pulling back from him, even just the tiniest bit, but I know it’s probably what’s best. At least for right now. We can still be together, but I can spend less time focused on him—on us—at least until the application cycle ends.

I work into the night, my mind and my body running on adrenaline. I’m pushing myself to the limit, trying to do everything in my power to get ahead. But the more I work, the more I feel like I’m falling behind. The more I try to push my thoughts away, the louder they become.

As I finally lie down in bed, exhausted and drained but unable to sleep, I feel like I’m in a worse place than when I started. My thoughts are a jumbled mess, and I can’t seem to get them in order. I close my eyes, trying to push everything to the back of my mind, but it’s no use.

The worries and doubts that I’ve been quelling come crashing in, and I’m stuck in the same old spiral, uncertain of how to stay afloat.

30

HOLDEN

The airbetween Kaia and me is heavy, laden with an unspoken tension that’s been building since we came back from the symposium. It’s been three days already, and I feel like there’s something more behind her distance than just jitters about graduate school.

All last week, our nights were spent curled together in bed. But since then, we’ve barely talked, let alone seen each other outside of classes. It’s as if she’s purposefully avoiding me now, pushing me away, and I can’t understand the reason.

I’ve made multiple attempts to coax her into sharing her thoughts, to confide in me about whatever else is troubling her, but she’s unyielding. She either shuts down completely or dismisses my concerns as if they’re no big deal.

I’m not used to feeling this way—anxious, unsettled, confused about where we stand. I usually take things as they come and go with the flow, but now I’m in full-on worry mode.

Did I do something wrong? Is she grappling with an issue that I’m not aware of? Or is this really just a minor setback for her—for us?

I’m wary of prying or pushing her too much, but maintaining the façade that everything’s fine is growing increasingly difficult.

It’s only been a few days, and I miss her—the feeling of her body pressed against me, the taste of her lips, the sound of her sweet, hard-earned laughter. I miss the way her hazel eyes spark when she’s excited about something, the way she scrunches her nose when she’s deep in thought, and the warmth of her hand as it fits perfectly into mine.

I miss the conversations we’ve shared late into the night, discussing everything from our dreams and aspirations to the trivial, everyday moments that make up our lives.

I miss the way she challenges me, pushing me back when I piss her off.

The more time we spend apart, the more I realize how integral Kaia’s become to my daily life. But it feels like she’s suddenly slipping through my fingers, and I don’t know how to hold on to her right now.

I try to focus on other things, like hockey and my classes, but she’s always at the back of my mind. I catch myself daydreaming about the future we could share together, and then I remember how distant she’s been, and it feels like a punch to the gut.

I already can’t bear the thought of losing her, but fixing what’s broken seems impossible if she refuses to communicate. All I can do is continue to practice patience and cling to the hope that, eventually, she’ll let me all the way in.

Fully and without question.

* * *

With Kaia on my mind,it’s difficult to fully immerse myself in anything else. But life keeps moving, and so do I. The hockey season’s in full swing, and I’m doing my best to stay focused on our practices, trying not to let my worries affect my performance on the ice.

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