Page 85 of Marry Me

“This was a journey of self-exploration for you, and I think it’s telling that it’s all led you back to where you first started.”

“Don’t push this off on me.” She exhaled, calming herself. She needed her wits about her.

“He loves you.”

“And you don’t.”

Silence. Megan didn’t comment, likely because to do so would be cruel.I’m not in love with youwere harsh words to utter, especially when she could let the unspoken do it for her.

Megan seemed to choose her words carefully when she finally responded. “I’m just trying to look ahead and do the right thing for all of us. Why drag this out and make it even harder?” Her fingers smoothed her jeans, and Allison became overly aware of every little sound and action. Yet she couldn’t get her brain to work, to process what was happening. Someone had pulled the chair from beneath her, and she was backtracking, attempting to understand how, why.

“It’s the Band-Aid method, huh? That’s what you’ve chosen for me?” Allison nodded, as her stomach roiled. When she’d made the decision to drive to Megan’s place, she’d been nervous but energized, excited to get them back on track. She’d imagined them talking things over, kissing, maybe falling into bed where she could savor their renewed connection, inhale the scent of Megan’s hair, and never let her go. She’d slowly step away from Brent to give him time to adjust to new people taking care of him until he was better. What she’d neverimagined was any of this. They were going to reconnect and get back on course and live happily ever after. Now that she’d experienced what they were like together, how would she live without it? Didn’t matter. As crushing as this was, she had to hold on to her dignity, her sense of self-worth, if that was at all possible.

“Please don’t think this is easy for me,” Megan said. “I promise you. It’s not. But I don’t think that we’re meant for each other.”

If words could crush a soul, these did. “I guess not. I hadn’t gotten that memo until now.” She looked around the room for help, not exactly sure what to say or do. Would this be her last time here? How awful that sounded. “Are you sure?” she asked meekly.

Megan nodded. Her brow was creased, highlighting the discomfort she felt. Was she just waiting for Allison to leave so she could get back to her real life?

Impossible.

She was sitting across from a stranger. Allison flashed on all they’d shared. The coffee dates, the romantic nights, the trip to her parents’ house where they’d stolen looks and relished the private moments, that wonderful picnic on the beach, and the imagined moments ahead. So many of them, in fact.

“Okay, well, you’ll have to forgive me for grappling. I had a different idea of what was happening here.”

“Did you really, though?” Megan asked. “Be honest with yourself because I’m not sure you’re seeing what the rest of us are.”

“Honesty has never been something I struggled with, Megan. But thank you.” She stood. “I guess that’s that.” One last look around as her heart clenched and the pain nearly choked her. “I’ll see myself out of your apartment and your life.”

As she passed, she saw Megan close her eyes. What was she feeling? The mixed signals made it hard to know. She heard footsteps behind her. Megan was following her to the door, which she so did not need. She didn’t turn back. She couldn’t.

* * *

“Ally, wait.” She felt guilty for using the familiar form of her name, but that’s who she was to Megan, her Ally, and in this, the most awful moment of all, even she couldn’t deny that. Stripped raw, and clawingher way through this, Megan was depriving herself of everything that was important to her. She was setting Allison free, but she was also destroying her own life in the process. How easy it would have been to take Ally into her arms tonight. To lose herself in the security of her kiss, and to shut the rest of the world away and justbe. The two of them against the world.

But she couldn’t shake the evidence right in front of her. There was a magnet pulling Allison back to Brent. First in friendship, then in his time of need. She also couldn’t shake Jeff’s words. He thought Allison still loved Brent. Someone stronger would have stayed and fought, and that was something she was going to have to learn to live with. She wasn’t strong enough to do that. Weak people got out early, and when it came to her heart, Megan had discovered the one area of her life where she was not at all in control.

She followed Allison into the hallway outside her apartment and said it again. “Wait, please.” Allison paused but didn’t turn, her back still to Megan. Now what? “I just need you to know that this, us, all of it, has meant a lot to me.”

“Was it real?” Allison asked, but her voice was gone. She sounded hoarse and strangled, the emotion having gotten the best of her. Everything in Megan screamed for her to undo it, to apologize, to tell her to come back in the apartment and that they’d find a way to talk it out, fix things.

Because she didn’t have the right words, she turned Allison around and placed a kiss on her lips that she hoped communicated everything her heart couldn’t dare say. She took a step back and nodded. “It was.”

Allison stared at her, searching. “I don’t know if that makes this better or worse.” The tears pooling in those blue eyes would be Megan’s undoing if she didn’t get herself out of there and quick. She felt the onslaught of emotion—grief, regret, defeat, and sadness—all closing in on her like a tidal wave that would break over her in a matter of seconds.

“Take care of yourself, okay?”

“Yeah,” Allison said numbly.

She didn’t watch her go. She couldn’t. Instead, she excused herself back into her apartment and closed the door behind her with a click that came with such finality, she nearly couldn’t take it. She’d justdismissed the brightest light she’d ever known, her own true happiness. But it had never really been hers to begin with, right? She’d been on borrowed time and waiting for the time’s-up alarm no longer seemed like a possibility.

The silent sob hit first. Her throat constricted, and her face contorted. She covered her mouth as she walked straight forward, desperate, needing assistance, but searching for…what exactly? There was nothing in her perfectly appointed apartment that could help her. She was alone and, about now, felt certain that she always would be. She wasn’t cut out for love and the vulnerability that came with it. Seeing the woman she loved walk away, likely into the arms of someone she preferred, had been enough to convince her of that.

She called in sick to work the next day, something she’d never once done since opening the doors to Soiree all those years back. There was no way she could get it together enough to face people, feign a smile she didn’t feel, or concentrate on everyday tasks when she was quite simply broken and bleeding. She stayed in bed and declined phone calls, even from her parents, who left a message that the lantana was blooming, and spring was going to be so beautiful in Corpus this year. As the hours marched on, she turned inward to self-reflection. She needed to figure out what it would take to move her past this, past Allison, and back to her old self. She came up empty each time because she didn’t want to go back. She’d had a girlfriend who she was crazy about, who had made her world sparkle, gave her a glimpse at a possible future, before it all came crashing down.

“But here’s my question,” Kelsey asked two days later over lunch in the little bakery on the first floor of their office building. The place was always bustling, and with only four tables, it was hard to snag one. Kelsey had insisted that Megan eat with her and leave the office behind for an hour. The homemade chicken salad on a croissant that she usually pined for sat untouched on her plate.

“All right. I’m ready.”

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