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“Thank you for being here. Call me soon.”

“I will.”

Throughout the reception, Carrie gave me space. But no matter how much I tried to focus on whatever conversation I was in, I always knew where she was in the room. She was a phantom from a life that felt so far away now…but so wonderful, too. As soon as I’d shove thoughts of Carrie to the side, I’d catch a glimpse of her smiling across the room, and I’d be right back in the thick of it, wondering how we’d gotten here and then remembering the awful details full on. She’d left me, and then I’d left her right back.

At some point, mid-reception, I’d looked around to find Carrie had gone home. Everything, to my annoyance, seemed much dimmer after that. The air had been let out of the world.

Lying on my couch that night and decompressing after such an emotionally charged day, I imagined what it was going to take to get me back to…me. Micky, mimicking my energy, lay on his back with all four legs standing straight in the air. “You doin’ dead bug?” I asked. He didn’t move. “I completely feel you on that.” Because after today, I had nothing left to give. I’d cried my eyes out at a funeral, had a panic attack, and seen the woman who’d broken my heart after months apart. Dead bug was looking like my new favorite pose.

My phone buzzed, but I didn’t have the energy to even look. “Go away,” I said blandly. “Don’t you buzz at me.”

Shortly after that, there was a knock at the door. Perfect. Was there no peace? I stalked my way to open it, unsure what I would say to…had to be Sarah. I swung the door open and paused. There she stood, in jeans and a long-sleeved turquoise top that looked incredibly soft. My fingers itched to find out. Her hair was down and her expression earnest.

Carrie.

She opened her mouth and closed it, saying nothing. For a weighted moment, we simply stared at each other as my heart thudded, ignoring my brain. When she took my hand and gave it a soft tug, pulling me to her, I didn’t resist. I closed my eyes when she leaned in to receive her kiss. Everything went soft. Me, the room, the door, the universe, and most especially, my resolve. As our lips moved together the way they always did, I came back to myself. I pressed closer, deepening the kiss, needing her now more than I thought humanly possible. I needed this in every way. My arms were around her waist and holding her firmly against my body as we kissed. And kissed. And kissed. I was lost in her, and for this short period of time, more than okay with that. I had zero strength to fight myself because having her in my arms was everything.

“Skyler,” she whispered moments later when we came up for air. Everything in me had come alive. I opened my eyes and held her gaze, drunk on the connection I desperately missed and now craved, and went in again without hesitation, hungry for more, more, more. I caught her lips with mine and sank into the kiss, which was anything but timid. Not enough. I pulled her into the apartment, kissing her the entire way. She kicked the door closed behind us. I unbuttoned her shirt in my living room, tossing her bra to the floor within seconds, too. Her breasts fell into my hands, and I squeezed gently. I turned her around, kissed her neck, and cupped her breasts from behind, moving my hips against her backside. She murmured her approval, eyes closed. I kissed her neck without reserve. She angled it to give me more access and snaked her arm up and into my hair, grabbing a fistful of it. We were on fire, and she’d been in the room for under a minute.

“Off,” I whispered and gave her jeans a tug. She obeyed and slid them down her legs, leaving them on my floor. I pushed my hand down the back of her panties, reaching under and around into warmth and wetness, and listened to the sounds she made as I stroked her slowly yet firmly toward release, on a total mission, her hands flat against the wall as I took her higher. This wasn’t about tenderness. It was primal, lust-driven sex, and we seemed to be in sync on that.

“More,” she breathed, rocking her hips, pushing back against me. I could oblige.

I turned her to face me, my eyes drawn to her slightly swaying exposed breasts. With her back to the wall, I returned to my goal, this time sliding my fingers firmly inside to the sound of her gasp and whimper. She began to ride my hand, but no, I needed that control.With one arm around her waist, I began to move in and out in my own rhythm, thrusting firmly, watching her breasts as she climbed. I leaned down and pulled a nipple into my mouth and sucked, skidding across it with my teeth, which had an enormous effect on Carrie, who cried out as her back arched. I didn’t stop, though, I couldn’t.

“Wait,” she said. “It’s happening too fast.”

“No, it’s not.” My thumb circled her and then moved across her most sensitive spot slowly and then again until I felt her jerk, her speed picking up.There we go. It felt like a challenge to keep her there, hovering, so I pulled back my attention. I kissed her mouth gently, pulled my fingers out, and stroked between her legs ever so softly. She pulled back from the kiss, eyes still closed, lips parted, and breathing more than a little ragged. “What are you doing to me?” she murmured, drunk.

I sank to my knees, parted her legs, and pulled her into my mouth. My tongue had only just started to go to work when she cried out, bucked her hips, and went still. I did what I could to prolong her pleasure, refusing to withdraw my efforts. After a long moment she joined me on the floor, shaking her head, trembling. I pulled her into my arms and held on. We stayed just like that on the floor of my living room for who knew how long. Finally, she stood, took my hand, and walked me to the bedroom, where she systematically removed every piece of clothing I had on and climbed on top. I was already so far along, so ready for her touch, that it didn’t take much to send me over the edge. With a well-placed thigh between my legs, she was easily able to rock me to oblivion as I stared up into beautiful blue eyes.

After, we lay facing each other in my bed, tucked beneath the sheets that felt cool against my naked and sensitive skin. Occasionally, I’d touch her face, or she’d move a stray strand of hair off my forehead. It was almost as if we were drinking each other in after such a long time apart.

“I know this doesn’t fix anything,” she said, finally. “But I’ve really missed you. This.” She palmed my breast.

I sighed. “Me, too.” I could admit that part.

“You didn’t call back.”

“Yeah. I couldn’t. I should have.”

“I know.”

The small collection of words we said to each other that night could fit on a Post-it. We communicated in other ways. Caresses, stares, and silence. We came together, making love several more times thatnight, until we fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms. I understood as I drifted off that tonight was stolen. I hadn’t forgiven Carrie, but that didn’t mean I’d stopped loving her. She wasn’t coming back, but it didn’t mean her feelings didn’t still linger. It was simply an impossible love, and I needed to remember that. Stolen or not, it was a night that was etched in my memory forever.

When the sun woke us the next morning, Carrie quietly assembled herself and, with a final hug and soft smile, let herself out of my apartment.

In many ways, it was the good-bye we never truly got.

I took a shower, made coffee, snuggled my dog, and stared ahead at the new, strange life stretched out in front of me.

Chapter Twenty

As I cruised the Pacific Coast Highway on my way to host a fundraising event for one of the San Diego animal sanctuaries, I turned my music up way too loud on purpose. Lately, the practice had served as a mechanism for motivating me for what was ahead. The volume consumed me, harnessed me a shot of adrenaline, and got me into moose mode, ready to take on the world. I tried to sing loudly with the lyrics but didn’t know them. “Learn new songs,” I shouted to myself as a form of reminder.

I was changing a lot these days. I’d started taking tennis lessons for exercise now that spring was not far off. I wasn’t half bad and planned to join a beginners’ league. I’d also asked my aunt Yolanda to teach me how to cook a few of her favorite dishes, so I could improve upon my very basic cooking skills and impress the guests I planned to invite over and dazzle. Did I mention I was trying to make more friends? At the station, outside events, wherever. Micky was becoming the popular kid at the dog park himself, and Grace used me as her sounding board for her now full-fledged romance with Bobby. My life was feeling fuller, and that was by design. When I stayed busy and connected to tasks, it didn’t leave time to reminisce about…before. Notice the gaps that had never really filled after losing two people close to me.

Over the roar of Gaga on the radio, my screen showed an incoming call. I clicked through.

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