Page 66 of The Last Lavender Sister

“You didn’t. I know.” Brynn stared at her hands which she opened palms up, searching for what, Aster didn’t know. “I got your letters. The ones you sent after I stopped mine.”

“Oh yeah?”

God, the letters. The ones where she’d poured her heart out, asked for an opportunity to fix things, and if not that, then just for friendship. A reset on who they used to be. She’d even resorted to texts. She’d notheard a peep back. Yet her brother assured her that Brynn was alive and well and reporting to work every day.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Sage had told her on the phone. “Maybe she just needs time. Do you want me to talk to her?”

“No,” Aster had said. “Just wanted to make sure all was okay.”

She had given Brynn time. She’d waited. She sent a few more letters letting Brynn know that she was still thinking of her, missing her, and ready to talk when she was. It hadn’t made a difference. Brynn’s social media accounts, which she barely used, had all gone still. But Brynn was out there living a life—she just didn’t want to share. Aster had gotten the overwhelming, loud message.

“So you got the letters but just weren’t compelled enough by their content to pick up a pen, or a phone. I’d have accepted a carrier pigeon.” She laughed wryly.

“I wish I could explain it. The words aren’t easy to find and make compelling.” She looked off into the distance, stealing a moment. “I think after things went so poorly in Boston, I went home with the knowledge of what we were like…together. I’d never had that information before. I thought we’d be good, but I wasn’t prepared for the full reality, for what I felt.” She touched her chest, her heart. “After that, the letters were hard because we were both holding back, and I knew that was on me.”

“I was doing what you wanted.”

Brynn stood, her voice louder. “I know that. I get it.” She was clearly frustrated, maybe with herself. “But it was like I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t figure out how to be your friend, but I couldn’t move forward either. I was stuck and lost, and I did the only thing I could. I retreated.”

“We could have talked that out.”

“I didn’t know what to say because every time I tried to formulate an explanation it just sounded so stupid. Even I could hear that much.”

“Yeah.” Because what else was there to say?

“I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry. I wanted to be there for you when your mom got sick. I was pretty sure that’s not what you wanted.”

“You do a lot of deciding what it is that I want.”

She nodded. “I guess I should stop doing that.”

“I showed up at your house, Brynn. You held me as I cried.”

She nodded. “Everything sort of fell away in the moment. Thefear, the regret, the feeling that I’d let too long go by before saying how sorry I am. I carry around a lot of regret. I’ve never shared that with you.”

Aster didn’t say anything, afraid to move a muscle. That sentence had her attention.

“I didn’t have the skills back then to cope with the obstacle I encountered when I came to see you in Boston. I wish I had. I’m pretty sure my inabilities robbed me of a lot of happiness. But if I’m being honest, I still feel broken, and I don’t know that I’ll ever be fixed.”

The idea made her heart ache. “That makes me sad for you.”

“Me, too. I don’t go too many places. I don’t stray from the path of my routine. That means I don’t do too much living, either. But there’s safety there, okay? And I’ve grown to cherish it, cling to it.”

“I know. But to what end?” Brynn was someone who’d dealt with heartache and now went out of her way to avoid it. Made sense. It still didn’t fully change where they stood. She wanted to go to Brynn, pull her into a tight embrace, and protect her from the world. It didn’t feel like her place.

Brynn seemed to sense her hesitation. “I’m gonna get back. Tyler is probably wondering what happened to me.”

“Brynn.”

She turned back, moonlight touching her hair. “Yeah?”

“Thank you for telling me. I know it wasn’t easy.”

“But probably important.” Brynn had sucked up the emotion, once again back to the picture of put together. The smile she offered was easy, confident. Aster was now beginning to understand that the veneer was not always authentic. A skill, probably learned over years. “See you in there.”

“Yeah. I’m just going to take another minute.”

Once alone on the lawn, she allowed herself to breathe, taking deep gulps of air as she paced the grounds, stepping on shadows and feeling way too much. The day had been a big one, and she’d been swallowed whole. She missed her mother so badly her chest ached, but it was a different feeling entirely when the person you desperately missed was standing right across from you the way Brynn had been just moments before. So close, but still wildly far away. Her heart didn’t seem to get the memo, reaching for Brynn every second she was near.

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