Page 37 of Dream a Little Dream

“It was one of those moments as a physician where you’re standing at a crossroads, and you have to make the best call possible in a short amount of time and with no information. Yet the center of someone’s entire world, their kid, is in your hands.”

“I’m sure you did the best job you could.”

“I don’t know that I did. I never will. I think about that day a lot. Replay each small moment wondering what would have happened if I had made a different choice for him. I pushed for surgery. That’s what it came down to. I pushed, and he wasn’t stable enough.” She shook her head almost imperceptibly, seemingly swimming in self-recrimination. My heart tugged uncomfortably as I searched for any words that might help. The reality was, I was out of my depth.

“Kyle. You can’t do this. You can’t second-guess yourself over something you can’t change now.”

“I’m not the only one who did. That’s the next part. I was placed on leave while the hospital investigated after the family brought a lawsuit. It got very ugly very fast, and I found myself, I don’t know…” She paused as our water glasses were refilled. “Grief stricken and lost. Questioning everything. My ability to practice medicine, my place in the world, who I was meant to be. And I couldn’t stop thinking about that family losing their son and brother. This twelve-year-old kid who had his whole life ahead of him. Who would he have been and what would he have contributed to this world if I hadn’t been the doctor on call that day?” Her focus fell to the white table cloth as if looking for refuge. “I wanted to be there, Savanna. I’d been looking forward to that day since the moment I said goodbye to you.” She raised her eyes to me. They were brimming with fresh tears. “But when the time came, I couldn’t face you when I could barely face myself.” She whispered that last part, the emotion strangling her voice.

For a few moments, neither of us spoke.

Finally, I asked the second question I’d been carrying with me for months. “Why didn’t you reach out? Tell me what happened. Maybe I could have been there for you.”

“I didn’t know what to say or how to explain. I was lost in every sense of the word. I doubted everything, but most of all myself. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in that situation, but it’s the worst.” She looked away, embarrassed, and used her napkin to dab at the tears before they could escape. “So I just sat there that evening, alone in my apartment, watching the time crawl by until you were surely gone forever.”

My heart tore witnessing the anguish that washed over Kyle’sface. I’d never seen her look so broken, so completely devoid of her signature confidence. I forgot about my own feelings, unclenching the resentment I’d been hauling around for months. “And now?”

“I’ve had time to pick up the pieces. The lawsuit was settled. I was invited back to work, but it didn’t feel like the right fit anymore.” Her eye contact was unwavering. “And now I’m here for you.”

The sentence about knocked me out of my seat. I wrestled for the talking points I’d been handing myself and anyone else who asked about Kyle. “I put us behind me.” The words hung in the air, unconvincingly. A mirage.

“I don’t think our story’s over, Savanna.”

“I know, but I think it has to be.”

She slid her hand forward on the table and her pinkie touched mine. That little bit of contact left me without my next inhale.

“I don’t think I can take another bridge.” I pulled my hand away and into my lap.

“You won’t have to. I’m not asking you to marry me.”

I leaned in. “You’d leave me standing there at the altar.”

She closed her eyes and took a moment. “I deserve that.”

“Maybe you don’t. I’m just a little off my game, okay? I’m sorry if that was a low blow.”

She gestured as if wiping a dry erase board clean. “All I’m asking for is a chance to get to know you again. Cards on the table this time. And I’m going to start with a confession.”

“Okay.” My heart thudded. I felt like I was a passenger in a car moving way too fast.

“I never should have let you go after that weekend. Not for a year, not for a day. I’m not a perfect person, but I don’t make the same mistakes twice.”

The imaginary car slowed down. I took a breath. Because what if? What if the bridge was only a symptom of the season in Kyle’s life, not at all indicative of her true tendencies? I’d sworn off love. I’d sworn off risks. I’d sworn off Kyle. Was I ready to undo all of those?

“I don’t know.”

“That’s a perfectly legitimate answer.” Our food arrived and we smiled at Preston.

“It was looking serious over here for a second. Another round?”

“No,” I said.

In the same moment Kyle said, “Sure.” I swiveled back, and she flashed me a smile. “C’mon. For old time’s sake.”

“Fine. But that’s it.” Getting drunk with Kyle was not on my agenda. But the food was beyond excellent, and I was pretty sure Sal had stepped up his game in the sauce department.

“You look like you’re hovering in the land of the happy,” Kyle said, gesturing with her fork.

---