Page 81 of Dream a Little Dream

Well, this was certainly a twenty-four-hour period that would be hard to top. I was numb until the sun went down, which was actually a blessing. As evening descended and the darkness of early winter engulfed everything, the tears found their way to me.

I was alone, I realized. Not just physically in this room, but in life. Even Jonathan would soon be gone. And any attempt to remedy that loneliness came back to bite me like a snake hell-bent on teaching me a lesson. Well, I was ready to pay attention this time and throw in the damn towel. No more risk taking. No more reaching out to people asking them to love me. Because how pathetic, right? I was a puppy dog chasing after affection, and what had it gotten me? I’d keep my head down, do my job, and get through this life with as few scrapes as possible. I already carried too many scars.

My phone lit up with an incoming call. Apparently, I couldn’t turn off my feelings instantly, because my chest squeezed and hope blossomed that I’d see Kyle’s name on the readout. Not helpful. It was Jake. I wanted more than anything to talk to him about the email, or even better, have him tell me it was all a mistake and that he was my dad, after all. Nightmare: undone. If only. I answered the call.

“Hi, kid. Surgery’s done and the doc says he came through it with flying colors.” He added a relieved laugh. He was celebrating, which was entirely appropriate.

I smiled. “I’m so happy to hear it. What’s next?”

He took a moment to update me on the steps they were anticipating for Charlie’s recovery, which would certainly include some physical therapy once he had the strength. It wasn’t until the end of the call that I quietly told him to maybe check his email, and that I would be thinking about him, and Charlie, and Peggy, and Jill.

“You got it. I’ll call you soon,” Jake said.

We ended the conversation, and I changed into a pair of shorts and tank top, slipped beneath the covers, and tried to forget that my best friend was moving away. My girlfriend was shutting me out (again), my parents and Lindy were still gone forever, and the new family I was just starting to fall for actually didn’t belong to me at all. No biggie.

As I drifted off, I missed the arms that were no longer around me. The watermelon hair. The aquamarine eyes. How badly I longed for Kyle was a red flag. I wasn’t allowed to keep the people I loved. I was more convinced of that than ever. Happily ever after was a joke, a convention dreamed up by the ad wizards of Hallmark as they ate low-fat yogurt in a drum circle. I had a mounting pile of evidence to dismiss the power of romantic happy endings handily. What was going to be harder? Convincing my heart.

Chapter Twenty-four

Hard Realizations

I didn’t hear from Kyle for two days, and that was helpful. It gave me the opportunity to get good and jaded, and boy, did I ever. From the four walls of my living room, I constructed new ones around myself, keeping my feelings inside, behind lock and key and tucked away from anyone and everything with the propensity to work their way in. I was on guard and ready. Also, I was in bad shape and not quite sure how to rebound.

Kyle, who was apparently back in town, had left two voicemails and knocked once on my door. Sitting in my kitchen as she tried the doorbell a second time, I stared at the woodgrain of the kitchen table I’d inherited from Lindy and sipped the latte I’d had delivered by On the Spot.

“Savanna. I know you’re home. Elizabeth told me she just had a coffee sent over.”

Traitor, I mouthed.

“Please at least consider coming to the door so we can have a conversation about all of this.” A pause. “And I know you can hear me. I lived here for over a month.”

I walked to the front door and leaned against it. “Kyle, I can’t right now, okay?”

A pause. “Can’t or won’t?” Her voice was quieter now.

I pressed my face to the door and then remembered myself, straightening. “Both,” I answered honestly.

“Give me thirty seconds of your time and then I will walk off this porch and allow you space.” Another pause. “I have a shift in twenty-threeminutes and you know I like to be early. There’s your guarantee. And if you’re mad, you can be mad at me with the door open.”

I sighed. It might be the only way I was going to get on with my morning. I stood and opened the door in my giving-up joggers, worn-in purple flannel, and bare feet. Not my best look, but I was embracing the hermit shoutingI don’t need anyonefrom the mountaintop vibe.

“Hi,” Kyle said, brightening to a small smile. She also looked nervous and maybe like she hadn’t slept. “Thank you for coming to the door. I wanted an opportunity to explain myself. The little disappearing act I’m not exactly proud of.”

“Yeah. Okay. We can do that.” My voice sounded flat, but there didn’t seem to be much I could do about that.

“Okay, and now that I have you here, it’s almost as if every thought I wanted to impart to you has flown straight out of my head.” She studied me and frowned. “Are you okay? First of all, I mean. You’ve had a rough few days.” And it likely showed.

She was referencing Charlie, who was now awake and working through soft foods. A true improvement, a near miracle if I understood correctly. I wanted to see him, but it seemed like a burden he didn’t need at the moment. Someday. I wasn’t exactly family anymore. He would know soon enough.

“It was a hard few days. Completely agree. And you weren’t here for them.” It wasn’t an accusation. The time for that, and the anger that came with it, had passed. I was resigned now. Numb. It was what it was.

She nodded. “That’s true. I hate myself for it more than you know. I was dealing with my own pain, my own mental health issues, and I fell back into an old pattern.”

“Running away.”

“Apparently so. It’s a defense mechanism that’s fairly new, which means I’m learning how to mitigate it.” She looked to the side in contemplation and back to me. “But in the time that I was gone, I did some thinking and came to some hard realizations.”

I placed a hand on my hip. While I was willing to listen, I couldn’t leap back into what we’d been. Everything in me had slammed on the brakes because there was no way I was careening into a brick wall again when every indication said that was exactly what would happen if I continued to play house with Kyle. Temporary happiness was a wonderful thing but still quite, in fact, temporary.

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