Page 82 of Dream a Little Dream

“I have some demons I’m working through, admittedly, and someof the moments I experienced in the ER this week were so similar to what happened last summer.” She shook her head. “It was like I was back there all over again.”

My heart went heavy. I hated imagining her in any kind of struggle. “I was worried that was the case.”

“I stayed focused, though. Calm and clearheaded. I held it together through every moment of patient care. I was proud of my work that night and the work of the whole team.” She smiled. “God, Savanna. You should have seen them.” She gave her head a shake and then something came over her. Her demeanor shifted. She darkened. “But the second I clocked out, I came undone.”

I wanted to wrap my arms around her but instead wrapped them around myself. “That must have been awful.” I met her gaze. “I could have been there for you. I would have been.”

“I should have let you. I wasn’t quite sure how to process my emotions, how to handle the onslaught. Here’s where I went wrong.” She took a breath. “I forgot to consider that it’s not just me anymore. It’s us. At least, that’s what I want. And if there’s an us, it means I have to let you in. I have to let you help, and I have to help you right back.”

I didn’t say anything, so she pressed on.

“Savanna, I promise you transparency and communication in the future.” She swallowed as if to slow down. “Bottom line, I’m committed to being present and working through my own struggles so that I don’t hurt you again.” She shifted her weight, a move parallel to our own shaky ground. “I have so much more to say, but I think that was more than thirty seconds. I’m sorry I went over.” She sent me a small smile that, knowing her, was meant to break the tension hanging, thick and uncomfortable, between us.

Her explanation made sense, and under different circumstances would have been reasoning I could work with. The problem was that I had nothing left to give. I was barely holding on through this conversation. “These are all good words and sentences. And beyond that, I believe that your intentions are good. But I’m at a spot where I can’t intertwine myself in the way I could even last week.” She blinked. “I need a break from the world, Kyle. It’s been too much. In the midst of you taking off, I got the paternity test back. It was only meant to be a formality, but it showed that Jake’s not my biological father.”

“Oh no,” she said, brow dropping. She took a step forward and stopped herself, likely picking up on my stay-back energy.

“You don’t have to say all the appropriate platitudes. I promise. Itwon’t do any good, but I appreciate the effort. The reality is that I’m not equipped for this right now,” I said, gesturing between us. “I’m not sure if I ever will be, and that’s the honest truth. I’m not trying to hurt you or punish you, but I’m instead doing what’s right for me.”

Her beautiful blue eyes blinked at me helplessly. “I’ll wait.”

“Kyle.”

“No. It’s my choice. Take whatever time you need, but just know that I’m here. And I’ll be waiting for you because you’re worth it.” She shrugged. “That’s all there is to it.” Her eyes filled with tears and she sent me a sweet smile. I could tell she wanted to say more but held herself back. Finally, she sucked in air. She had a shift to get to. A burst of panic rose in my chest because I didn’t want her held captive in Dreamer’s Bay, especially when I doubted my own ability to give myself over again.

“I’m broken, Kyle,” I called after her, as she opened the car door. It was my way of releasing her, letting her know that I’d never be who she needed me to be again.

“You’re the most perfect person I’ve ever met just as you are,” she said without hesitation. The way she looked at me in that moment would go on to haunt me for the next few sleepless nights and beyond. She’d headed to her car next, back to the hospital where she would attempt to pick up the pieces of her own life, just as I did mine. Two souls trying to get by. I dove beneath a blanket on my couch, turned on the TV, and stared at the screen, hoping it would whisk me away.

I’d pack the drawer Kyle had been using and return her belongings soon.

I’d go to work the next day and smile at my customers and pour myself into making BeLeaf the most amazing hometown grocery store ever seen.

I’d get by. I would. I’d just do it without the highs and lows this time. It was called surviving, and I planned to get really good at it.

* * *

January 2 had always felt like a rest to me. The magic of the holiday season fades away and the transition into something new takes its place. Life returns to normal after the break from work and school, but streets are quieter, offices a little more empty.

This year, on January 2, I was saying goodbye to my very best friend, making the details of everything else seem like a blur. I stoodat the end of Jonathan’s driveway, hands shoved into my green puffer coat, white knit cap on my head, the one Jonathan always said made me look like a Twinkie, and watched as Christian helped him down the driveway toward the U-Haul they’d rented for the last of their smaller belongings. Christian’s buddy would be following them and delivering Christian’s car. Jonathan was only using one of his forearm crutches, which meant his pain was mild today.

“You two are going to be the cutest couple in Austin. Not even a contest,” I called.

“Wait till they see my purple arm crutches,” Jonathan said as he approached. “Do Texans appreciate sassy mobility aids?”

“They do,” Christian said automatically. “I called ahead.” He flashed me a wink and offered my hand a supportive squeeze before rounding the truck to the driver’s side. He was giving us our moment, the moment I still couldn’t fathom was here.

“I’ll need live texting of the entire drive,” I told Jonathan.

“Not something you ever have to ask for. You’re getting descriptions of every farm animal and pie shop we encounter. Possibly in combination.”

“I hear cows love homemade apple. Fresh tip for ya.” I tried to laugh. It didn’t work. We stared at each other for a moment. In that span of time, the first moment I’d met Jonathan came rushing back to me. I’d walked into that GSA meeting in high school and seen him alone in the room sitting in the circle of classroom chairs he’d assembled. He’d looked so nervous, wearing his lime green sweater with Davie Bowie on the front. He’d held on to that sweater well past the growth spurt that hit the following year. That was Jonathan, undyingly loyal and a little in love with David Bowie.

“So, are we still FaceTiming from our respective libraries next week?” He was nervous. I could hear the shaky quality of his voice. I very much identified.

“Jon-Bon. Are you kidding? I’m taking you to the pods with me. We’ll just have to share one this time.” I heard the wobbly quality of my own voice and ignored the ache in my throat. I was doing a pretty good job of holding it together but also didn’t know how much longer I could go. “Now get outta here. Texas is waiting. There’s chicken fried steak to dig into.” Cue the emotion.

On that note, Christian came over and pulled me into a tight hug. “Hey. I’ve got him. You hear me?” he whispered in my ear. “I’ll make sure he has everything he needs. And above all else, I plan to doeverything I can to make him happy.” He pulled back and met my eyes. “My one and only goal.”

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