Page 37 of True North

Like a freight train, it hits me why I wanted to make thirty minutes alone with her. To find out one way or another where the two of us stand. Now, with her full of life and beaming at me, her body doing things to me I have pushed down for years, I can’t bring myself to think about askin’ anymore.

Denial is better than rejection.

And this man can’t take being told no by this brilliant girl more than once. So, like a complete coward, I stay silent as we herd the heifers to the next field over. Louisa stands in the stirrup irons, whistling and waving them on like she fuckin’ belongs here, sending a tightness constricting through my chest.

When the heifers are settled, we walk home on foot, horses at our sides. But even as we wade through the soft Montana grasses, my mind wanders to where we could be if this moment was our reality. Our lives together. The sentiment I have been haulin’ around since the age of seventeen.

“Lou—”

“I know what you’re gonna say, Harry. And give me a break—it’s been a while, and Cali ain’t exactly known for its cattle herding gigs.”

I snort a laugh. The image she put in my head with those words cracks me up. But that was nothin’ near what I was gonna say.

“Oh my god. Harry Rawlins... did I witness an actuallaugh?”

Her face is fake horrified, her hand slapped over her heart.

“You’ll keep, darlin’.” I try to scowl at her but only manage to make her laugh harder. I can’t help the chuckle tumbling from my mouth as she doubles over. Poor old Horse doesn’t know what to do, shying one moment, sniffing her curiously the next.

Those two are a sight.

We walk home, Louisa periodically giggling whenever she looks at me.

This woman is so happy. She is like literal sunshine when she’s in a room. Lighting everyone around her up. How could I ever deny Ma that kind of thing in her life? And even if I have to put space between us to make sure Louisa and Ma’s friendship remains, I will.

’Cause, right now, I’m stuck between needin’ to know if she still feels any semblance of what we used to have between us and making Ma’s life the best it can be. And I won’t risk anything more.

Timing’s not right.

Maybe I’m just a coward.

Maybe I’m hiding behind doing the right thing...

Either way, I won’t give this girl one iota of a reason to run off this time.

At home, Ma and Louisa get stuck into the cookin’, and I retire to the small corner of the house where I tally the cattle in my record book and balance the ledgers. Half distracted, I scratch out this month’s numbers. The aromas drifting through the house are makin’ me hungry. And when lunch rolls around, I can’t stay stuck to this chair a moment more. I move to push out of the old chair, but a bowl of something steaming and smelling like heaven appears on my desk.

“You oughta eat,” Louisa says, folding her arms over her apron.

I lean back in the old captain’s chair and meet her gaze. “Thanks.”

She offers a smile. “Your ma sent me in.”

I huff a laugh. Of course she did.

“She asked me to stay for supper. Is it too weird?” She chews her lip. I break eye contact. If she had any idea what that one gesture did to me...

“Why would it be weird?” I ask plainly.

“I don’t want to be here if it makes you uncomfortable. Helping with chores is one thing. Eating together is...”

“It’s fine. Don’t over think it. I mightn’t even be here for supper.”

“Oh.” Disappointment floods her face. “You’re goin’ out?”

“Maybe,” I say, shoving off the seat and standing. I need some air. That look on her face.

She backs up, giving me space. “Okay, sure. I better get back.”

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