Page 67 of True North

I shake my head, as if that will dislodge the thought along with my cowardice. I’ve never possessed the ability to think straight around Louisa Masters.

“We can talk while I drive,” she suggests, nodding to the gravel road before us.

I grunt a response and point to the ignition. “Turn it over. Make sure it’s in neutral first.”

She nods, her hand gripping the gear stick. I place my hand over hers, wobbling the stick side to side to show her it’s in neutral. She turns over the ignition, and the old girl rumbles to life.

A smile lights up her face like she won the best prize on the planet. It’s the little things with Ma. That’s what makes her so endearing. I smile at her as she grins at me. With a chuckle, I point out the speedometer and the brake, the pedals, and so forth. She nods with every new piece of information.

“Right, press the clutch in, and shift her into first.” I wave at the pedal, then the stick. She pushes the clutch all the way in. Her leg shakes with the pressure. It’s not an easy truck to drive. Old and stuck in its ways, some days it takes a little manhandling. Her hand pushes the stick to first gear.

“Good, now put a little pressure on the accelerator while you ease off the clutch, slow like.”

“Uh huh.” She purses her lips, attention swinging from the windshield to her feet as she shifts the pedals. The engine roars a little, and we move forward with a jerk.

“Steady, let her roll.”

Her foot pops off the clutch and we jolt forward, but to her credit, she doesn’t freeze up, just accelerates. Like she’s been payin’ attention every time I drive her somewhere. I wonder how long my mother’s wanted to learn how to drive. How long she was denied this small privilege.

We travel along the ranch’s gravel driveway slowly. We make the entrance, and I pull the wheel ’round, helping her steer onto Hillview Road.

“This is good. I think I’m getting the hang of this.” She pushes the pickup faster. It whines, needin’ to shift up gears.

“Clutch in, shift into second.”

The clutch depresses, the roar dissipates, and the old girl slows while Ma finds second. Her foot pops the pedal, and we surge forward. She picks up the pace, the widest grin on her face.

“Now, lesson for lesson.” Her voice is serious, like we’re in grade school.

I roll my eyes and stare out the window.

“You’re never too old to listen to your mother, my boy.”

I can’t help the smile growing on my face. But I owe my mother more than I could ever repay, so I drag my eyes from the mountains and fix them to her.

“Fine, shoot.”

“About you and Louisa.”

“Ma,” I utter in protest. I don’t need to talk about Lou right now. If I do, I’m likely to end up with a raging hard-on while sittin’ in a confined space with my mother.

“No, I want you to know this. I won’t be around forever.”

I lean into the old seat and turn my body toward hers. Talk of her not being here does something to me that I hate. We have been through so much. I can’t imagine her not having the chance at finally being happy.

“Don’t say that.”

She chuckles.

“We all die eventually, Harry. If I go before my child, I’ll consider myself blessed.”

Her words grate against my heart. I hate this conversation already.

“Anyway. I want you to know...” She hesitates as if weighing the words. “A good woman is the makin’s of a man. There are some things you can’t do in this life alone. Those things, essentially, mean the most. Like a happy life. A full life of love and companionship. But it’s more than that. It’s like, how do I say it...”

She glances at me, making sure she holds my attention. “Your life, your dreams, are like a big ship. An ocean liner, or an exploration ship. One of those ones from the days of the first explorers. She’s your captain. You, her first mate. You’re mighty strong by yourself.With her, you’d be unstoppable. There is nothing a good pairing can’t overcome.”

The last few words are too quiet. I can’t help but think she’s learned all this by making mistakes. By living the opposite of what she is speaking about. Her analogy sits heavy in my gut, like the anchor she forgot to mention. Now, I realize that’s because the unsettled feeling I’ve had since the day Lou walked away from me outside the high school gymnasium is exactly what she means. I’ve been drifting.

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