Page 156 of A Queen This Fierce and Deadly

I took a shaky breath. Gods, it hurt to examine these thoughts.

But I dug deeper.

That little voice in my head taunted me about how none of this had needed to happen at all. I’d been given a prophecy, which I had studied night and day. If I had just understood what was happeningthree seconds earlier, Lorian would never have been struck by his brother’s power.

I’d failed. And then I’d covered up my own failure by cheating the gods.

And I would do it again.

“What is it, wildcat?” Lorian murmured.

“I’m just…thinking.”

I could feel his concern, but I couldn’t seem to look at him.

Not when I felt so unworthy.

Briefly closing my eyes, I poked at the place where my power should be.

Still nothing. And yet, somewhere along the way, my fury and frustration had turned to resignation. Depression. I’d accepted that my power was gone, thought only of how I would manage the loss of it.

And so, I glanced over my left shoulder, to where Zathrian was riding next to Kaliera, both of their hands manacled, the chain leading to Galon’s saddle.

My cousin’s eyes met mine, and he raised one brow.

“If you somehow lived through it, the fates would demand an equal sacrifice. The kind of sacrifice that would haunt you.”

When my power hadn’t returned, I’d assumed that was the sacrifice. And even as I’d hoped and wished for it to come back, to aid us in this war…Zathrian had been correct.

His voice played through my mind once more.

“I didn’t say they can’t hide magic. They can, after all, play with us in all kinds of diabolical ways.”

I’d weighed my power against Lorian’s life and considered them equal. I’d been more than willing to trade one for the other if it meant Lorian would live.

So, the gods had tricked me.

“That which can be hidden can also be found. Perhaps you didn’t truly want to find it. Or perhaps you just didn’t try hard enough.”

Just as I had in that tent, I attempted to push Zathrian’s words away.

But they continued to taunt me.

“You know what I think? I think you woke up without your power, and you subconsciously latched on to that as the punishment the gods gave you for turning back time those few seconds. Some part of you was relieved at the thought that the loss of your power was your punishment. Because it meant your punishment wouldn’tinvolve losing anyone else you loved in this war.”

If he was right…

My hands tightened on the reins, and my horse threw her head. I immediately loosened my grip, stroking her neck.

I didn’t know if I could live with the thought that I’d crippled myself during this war.

Lorian said something in a low voice to Galon.

And then we were stopping. Our eyes met, and I realized he was standing next to my horse, holding out his hand.

I allowed him to help me down.

“A brief break,” he said carefully. “For the soldiers to rest their feet.”

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