Page 121 of No One Was Supposed to Die at This Wedding

“Yes.I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t love him. I did. But he was never accessible to me in the way you are. He was always playing a part, and I was just part of his scam. And I think I felt that deep down the whole time I was with him. But with you,it’s different. I can give my whole heart to you. I don’t have to worry. I know you’re there for me no matter what. And I don’t want to lose that. I can’t.”

“What if it’s too hard?”

“You sound like me.”

“Ha.”

“I don’t think it’s supposed to be easy. I think it’s supposed to be work. Good work. And we’re still learning how to be back together. It’s only been three months. Maybe we both thought things would go right back to how they were. That would’ve been too easy. Let’s give ourselves a break.”

Oliver’s eyebrows raise to his hairline. “Youwant to go on a break?”

“I don’t mean that. I just meant, let’s stop expecting too much from each other. From us. All that talk of marriage and proposing yesterday. Let’s take that off the table for now. We don’t have to decide anything until we’re ready.”

“Isn’t it what you want?”

“Of course it is. But only when we’re both ready.”

He pulls me closer to him. “No clock ticking?”

“I have no idea if there is or isn’t. I don’t even know if I want kids. I mean, can two writers have kids and not fuck them up totally? Plus, who gets to write in that scenario?”

“I’m not sure I’m even going to be a writer anymore.”

“You will.”

He steps away and I shiver like it’s cold.

“Are you a writer if you don’t have a book deal?”

“Of course you are, Oli. And you’ll get a deal. If not with our current publisher, then with someone else.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Is that what this is about?”

The corner of his mouth turns up. “It’s hard when everything in your life is up in the air.”

“I know.”

“You don’t. It’s all come so easily for you. Write a book by accident, it blows up. Get this long-running series. Try to quit, and that’s a new bestseller.”

“Almost get killed...”

“Okay, there’s that.”

I take his hands again. I need to be connected to him. “The book business isn’t a meritocracy.”

“I know.”

“And you can’t want me not to succeed so we can be together.”

“I know that, too.”

“So, can we work this out? Can we try?”

“I want to.”

“That’s something.”

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