Page 110 of Dr. Bad Boy

I love youis on the tip of my tongue, but I bite it back. Not the time. “I miss you,” I say instead, and it doesn’t feel like nearly enough.

41

Violet

On Wednesday, I arrive home from work exhausted and emotional. Max and I have been tiptoeing around each other with not much more than texting once or twice a day to check in and I find it draining even though it’s exactly what I asked for.

The details of his heartbreaking childhood have haunted me all week and the closer my trip home for Christmas gets, the more I keep looking for excuses not to go. Especially because I’m not ready to break the news to my family yet. I’m not in a place where I can handle the judgement. And I have no doubt their disapproval over my divorce will be nothing compared to how they will react to me being pregnant and unmarried. And if I go home, I know it’s not a secret I’ll be able to keep.

Grabbing a slice of leftover pizza from the fridge, go online to check the weather and am rewarded with enough of a storm to legitimately cancel my trip. I feel a little better with the news, but I’ll wait until tomorrow to call and let my parents know I won’t be coming, so I don’t look too eager to cancel.

My heart leaps a little at the thought of spending Christmas with Max. Then I realise we’ve only ever discussed my plans for the holiday. What if he doesn’t want to spend it with me?

What if he doesn’t want that? After all he’s not sentimental and that sends me spiralling down into self-doubt.

Maybe it’s mistake that we didn’t discuss exactly where we stand more on the weekend and the longer we go without talking the harder it is to start.

He wants me to let him in. But what does that mean? He wants to co-parent? Wants to be a family? And even knowing what I know, I’m struggling to reconcile such an abrupt about turn on the subject of wanting children.I’d be the world’s shittiest father.

And I think—no, I know—that he was hoping by sharing, he'd… well, he said he wants in. And I don't know what to make of that, because his earlier words keep bouncing around inside my head.I’m as selfish as they come. I’d be the world’s shittiest father.

I want to believe he’s changed his stance. I want it with everything I am. But it’s not just my life I have to think about anymore.

I’m as selfish as they come. How can I risk him walking away from an innocent child? From me?

I lay my hand over my belly and reach for my phone.

My heart pounds through my chest when Ellie answers. I’m a mess and she’s the only person on the planet I can call. Matthew would no sooner hear the word baby, and he’d be over to Max’s house and kicking his ass.

“Hi, it’s Violet.” I swear my voice is shaky, but she doesn't seem to notice.

Her reply is warm and bright. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Do you have some time to talk?”

“Sure, just give me minute to move somewhere quiet.”

“Thanks.” I can hear her walking, then the click of a door closing.

“Okay, spill.”

I struggle for a minute for the best way to start. Then decide on short and simple. That’s always the best way. “I’m pregnant.”

There’s only the slightest pause before Ellie responds. “Wow."

"Yeah."

"Is Max the…"

"Yes."

"Wow."

"I know."

She takes a deep breath. "I think I should start again. Is this good news? Are congratulations in order?"

Tears prick behind my eyelids and I nod. "I'm happy. Surprised, but…yes, this is good news, for me at least."

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