Page 27 of Shame

“I have to leave early tomorrow,” I mutter.

“Do you want me to set my alarm?”

“No.”

“Okay.” Two very small sounding syllables. One word that’s a complete lie. None of this is okay, but I can’t fix us until I get Sam back on track.

I lay beside her as her breath goes even. Then I curl up behind her, trying not to think about all the ways I’ve failed her and the mess that still needs to be untangled.

And in the morning I go into the office to meet two lawyers from a new law firm we’re considering hiring as outside counsel.

13

Grace

Present day, sobbing on Luke’s couch

Luke holdsme as I pummel his chest with my hands. He doesn’t try to stop me, and when I collapse against him, exhausted, he kisses the top of my head.

It’s infuriating.

But more than that, it’s utterly depressing, because where was this man three years ago?

“I had my first therapy session this morning,” he says when I’m finally quiet.

I move off him, and he catches my wrist, then lets go when I look down at the contact point.

He sighs. “That note you found. I never gave it to her.”

“What?”

He gestures to where it lies on the floor. “I wrote it. I’m deeply ashamed of that. But it didn’t feel right, and I never gave it to her. That’s—you can see that, right? If it was in my things, it’s because I never gave it to her.”

“There were probably more.”

“There weren’t.”

“I’ll never know that, though. I’ll always know that I love you more than you love me, that my love exists on a deeper, more painful level than yours. Because instead of diving deep into the pain, you scurried away.”

“I’d never leave you. I love you. I never stopped loving you.”

“Your definition of that word is different from mine. You want to know something truly awful? You don’t know just how much you love someone until they rip your heart out. Until they take your fidelity and make a mockery of it. And when you stay with them, when you can’t leave, not really, not even when you God damn fucking want to…That’spure, unconditional love. And it’s the worst feeling in the world.” I laugh. I’m on a fucking roll now. “Unconditional love isn’t to be held in esteem. It’s a trap. I love you without reservation, without conditions. I should have kicked you out that night, that very second that I found the text messages. Made you go far, far away. You can’t be this close to be, because now, I find myself back here. Willing to take anything you dish out, apparently. I find a note, realize what a text message says, and I come scurrying downstairs to talk to you about it. We are a dysfunctional mess, Luke.”

“I’ll never do it again. I don’t want to. I don’t—” He takes a deep breath. “It was the worst collision of events. Things weren’t good between us.”

“I’m aware. We had a number of brutal fights about it. But you promised me that things would get better after Sam moved out, and it all just got worse instead.”

“I don’t know why.”

“And I don’t care why, now. Go fuck yourself. I wanted that kink, and you gave it to her.”

“I didn’t. Not really. It was playacting. We’ve had better sex than that, Grace. We’ve had…” He licks his lips. “There has been…”

But he can’t say it.

It’s not like we didn’t have a good sex life.

Well, no. We didn’t have agoodsex life. But we had a very decent one. I wanted it to be better, because I’m a stupid fool.

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