Page 101 of The Nanny Goal

“I know how that sounds.” I can’t look sideways at her again. I’m afraid she’s already figured out too much as it is.

Still, I can feel her studying me. After a long beat, she makes a little humming sound in her throat. “Do you know why I haven’t moved in with Russ yet?”

I blink, refocusing on her, and think about the conversations we’ve had over the last eight months. And the confession she just shared, that they’re already thinking about kids. They’re obviously a forever couple, deeply in love. “It’s not because you haven’t found a bigger place, is it?”

She shakes her head. “I needed to find myself. I needed to fullybemyself, and that’s not an overnight process. And a little bit, I need to know that he’ll love me even when I push back. Even when I need time and space to figure out who I am, what I want. I won’t live a life someone else has picked for me, and provides for me, ever again.” Her eyes are a little glassy, but her voice stays calm. “I need to build a life of my own before I merge it with someone else’s. Because if I don’t know what I want, I’ll just get lost again.”

She pauses. “Russ gets it. Even if he isn’t the biggest fan of my apartment. He still chooses me, and meets me on my own terms. And it feels so, so special, because I was in a lopsided, unhappy relationship for so long. ButRusswould be the first to say that’s the minimum standard. That’s how it should be. I’m still learning to trust that, and to trust him.”

That’s how it should be.

My entire life has been wrapped around other people. I’ve compromised and gotten out of the way and picked up the slack aroundtheiraccomplishments. And then plastered on a jersey and cheered my heart out because of course I love them, and I’m proud of them.

But after that night with Alexei two years ago, when he had me naked on a hotel bed, halfway in love with him, and something else came up… Even though thatsomethingwas really fucking important, I realized that I always bend too far. Give too much.

I can’t do that again.

“You don’t have to erase yourself to stay,” she says gently. “But you can stay if you want. That’s a perfectly good choice to make, since you’re clearly smitten.”

I squeak and bury my face in my hands. But I’m not going to deny it. I am smitten, for better or for worse. “Is it that obvious? Does everyone know?”

“I don’t think so.” She leans her shoulder against mine. “But they weren’t all studying you for a week last year, trying to figure out who you were to Russell.”

I laugh and groan. “Oh my God.”

“I became an Emery expert, maybe. And there’s a new light to you. You…glow.”

That’s the same word I used to describe how ridiculously in love she is. Crap. Craaaaapppp.

“It’s…we’re not…” I swallow hard. “It’s just a thing. Like we haven’t talked about what we’re doing, we just do it.”

And not evenit, not yet.

“It’s mostly kissing,” I say, which sounds so juvenile I have to cover my face all over again.

“Kissing is pretty amazing,” she whispers. “But you should talk to him, too. With the right person, talking is also amazing.”

CHAPTER31

ALEXEI

There’s always things to do after a game, but tonight it stretches on and on. I just can’t get out of the arena quickly.

First, I have media, because of the shoot-out and the fact that it’s my former team. As I’m waiting for my turn at the podium, I hear the journalists talking about the fact that we didn’t do a video tribute to Tilman and pretend not to understand.

Then I notice a tender spot on my side when I’m getting dressed, so I have to get that looked at by our medical team. They’re pretty sure it’s just soft tissue bruising, so there’s some therapy for that before they tape an ice pack to my side.

By the time I get to my phone, there’s a text message from Emery that they’re home and everyone is in bed.

Emery

You were really great tonight, btw

Alexei

Thank you

I’m heading home now

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