Page 32 of Hell to Pay

I shook my head. “I’m not going to do that, because you’re right, it would make the whole thing more fucked, but… I don’t know. I’m starting to feel like in some weird way, maybe things happen the way they’re supposed to. And I’m not talking in a ‘God’s will’ kind of way like my mom always said. I hate that. I don’t know why all the shitty things in the world happen the way they do. I don’t know why kids go hungry or innocent people die or some people are born with everything and other people are born with nothing. I can only say that in my own life…”

“In your own life?”

“In my own life, it kind of feels like everything that’s happened to me, including in high school, led me to the person I am now, to this moment.” I hesitated, even though the next words were already on my tongue. “And I’m starting to feel like maybe I’m right where I’m supposed to be.”

I hadn’t known it was true until I said it. I still wished things hadn’t been so hard, wished I’d had a chance to have a fun, carefree life. But that version of me would be somewhere else, and right now there was nowhere else I wanted to be than on the sofa with Jude in front of the fire, the house quiet all around us.

His eyes pierced mine, something quiet and powerful moving between us. When he reached for me, it wasn’t with urgency but a quiet certainty, like we’d been moving toward this place all along.

Like he knew it too.

He held my head in his hands and touched his lips to mine, lingering for a long moment, like he wanted to memorize the kiss. I closed my eyes and sank into it.

I wanted to memorize it too.

Then he licked the seam of my mouth, slowly and sensuously. I opened for him, felt heat rush to my center as his tongue met mine.

And then all the quiet certainty was gone, washed away by a torrent of hunger.

23

JUDE

I’d kissedher before but this was different. I wanted her more than ever, but there was more to it than that.

I wanted toknowher.

To know all the things she’d kept secret, all the things she was afraid to say out loud. I wanted to know what she looked like naked by the fire so I could draw her later.

I wanted to draw her forever.

To draw something, you had to really see it, to really understand the way its form played with light and shadow. I thought it might take me a lifetime to understand Lilah, and I was more than happy to start now, savoring the slide of her tongue against mine, the little gasp she made when I angled my head to take our kiss deeper.

She ran her hands over my shoulders and mapped a trail over my chest as I reached for the hem of her hoodie. I pulled away from our kiss to lift it over her head.

“This okay?” I asked, kissing her neck and reaching for the hem of the tank top she was wearing underneath.

“Yes.” She tipped her head to the side, giving me better access to the soft skin of her throat.

I pulled the tank top carefully over her head and tossed it aside. “Your neck okay?”

I was talking about the brand that had been seared onto her skin, something we’d all avoided discussing because it hadn’t seemed like Lilah wanted to talk about it.

She needed time. We would give it to her.

She nodded and I ran my hands over her shoulders and arms, trying to memorize the silky feel of her skin under my palms, the perfect beauty of her naked tits in the light of the fire.

She was so beautiful it hurt to look at her. I wanted to kiss every inch of her skin, but that would mean tearing my eyes away from her, and I wasn’t ready to do that just yet.

She flushed and crossed her arms over her chest. “You’re staring.”

“You better fucking believe I’m staring, boss.”

“It… it makes me feel self-conscious.”

“That’s just because you don’t know how fucking beautiful you are.” I moved toward her, slid a hand into her hair, and eased her onto her back on the sofa. “But that’s okay. I’m going to teach you.”

I reached for the waistband of her boxer shorts. “All good?”

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