Page 45 of Hell to Pay

“That’s…” I struggled to find the words that would connect what we’d been taught — what Matt might still believe — to the truth. “That’s just not always true. It’s not the 1800s, Matt. People have sex, see it as a normal thing to do to feel good or…” I was really struggling here. “… show their feelings for someone.”

“Please stop,” he said, covering his face again.

I knew this wasn’t ideal. Matt and I hadn’t been close over the last couple of years. Obviously he would feel weird having this conversation.

“I just don’t want you to feel… sinful for something that’s normal.” I tried to switch gears. Rome wasn’t built in a day. “What happened after she found out?”

“She wanted me to go to the closet and pray and I… I said no.”

“Oh boy.” I could guess what had happened next because I’d said no once or twice too.

“We had a huge fight. She told me I would go to hell if I didn’t repent. She tried todragme to the closet, Lilah. But I got away and I locked myself in my room and then she sat outside and did that casting-out-of-demons thing she does when we’re being tempted by the devil.”

“That’s not what was happening though,” I said, determined to keep making the point. “You were just curious about a part of life that every teenager is curious about.”

He scrubbed his face. “Lilah!”

“I’m sorry! I just feel like I have to keep saying it.”

“Well, you don’t.”

“Fine. What happened then? How did you get out of the house?”

“I crawled out my window.” I was relieved when he laughed a little. “She was still praying when I left.”

I laughed. “I bet she was.”

“I just walked for a while, hoping I’d cool off, want to go home,” he said. “But I… I just didn’t. So I called you.”

I took his hand and squeezed. “I’m glad you did.”

He met my eyes. “Your turn. Who are these guys? Why are you living here?”

I tried to think about the shortest way to explain what was going on without overwhelming Matt, who was already pretty overwhelmed. “They’re… friends.” I couldn’t even begin to analyze the weirdness of calling the Bastards friends, let alone feeling like it was true. “I had a thing with my boss. It got out of hand and I needed a place to stay for a while. Nolan, Jude, and Rafe offered to let me stay here.”

I was relieved when their first names didn’t trigger a memory for Matt. The more he’d told me about what had happened between him and our mom, the less convinced I was that he needed to know my roommates were the same guys who’d leaked my nudes in high school.

It had nothing to do with Matt. All he needed to know was that we were both safe here.

“What kind of thing with your boss?” Matt asked.

“I found out he’s into some shady stuff and he… kind of came after me.”

Matt’s eyes widened. “He came after you?”

I nodded. “It isn’t safe for me to be at my apartment right now.”

“Can’t you go to the police or something?”

I shook my head. “It’s not that kind of thing. It’s… complicated. Look, the important thing is, I’m safe here and so are you. There’s plenty of room, and the…” I caught myself on the wordBastards, which had somehow started to feel less like an angry nickname and more like an affectionate one. More fodder for therapy if I ever had health insurance. “… the guys said you can stay as long as you want. The room next to mine is empty. You can stay there, but Matt, you have to text Mom and at least let her know you’re okay.”

He looked down, tugged on a loose thread hanging from his red basketball shorts. “Okay.”

My mom monitored Matt’s cell phone just like she’d monitored mine when I’d lived at home, which meant she knew he’d called me, knew where he was even if she didn’t know who owned the house. “Just tell her you’re staying with a friend from school. Ask her to drop off your backpack at the principal’s office. She won’t want you to fall behind just because you had a fight.”

I tried not to think about the possibility that she’d show up on the Bastards’ doorstep.

“What will I do about school?” he asked. “I don’t have any of my stuff and I don’t think this place is in the same district.”

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