Page 73 of Hell to Pay

Noclosure.

What he’d done to me in high school was still there. What was I supposed to do with that?

“You’re not going to surf, are you?” I asked, incredulous, when Rafe turned toward the beach.

It was after nine p.m. and already dark. I’d assumed when Jude said we were going to the beach he’d meant it in a general geographical kind of way, that we were actually going to Breakers.

Plus, the Bastards hadn’t loaded their boards onto the top of the Jeep.

Jude turned around in the passenger seat to look at me. “Wouldn’t be the first time, boss, but no. No surfing tonight.”

“Then why are we going to the beach?” I asked.

He grinned. “Bonfire, bay-bee!”

47

LILAH

The bonfire wasa few yards from the surf rolling onto the beach, the party nestled into a cove created by the cliffs that rose around Blackwell Beach.

I hadn’t understood why it was called Blackwell Beach since it was almost an hour from Blackwell Falls, but when I’d asked Nolan about it he’d told me the town limits of Blackwell Falls had been more widespread back when the town was founded in the 1800s. Over the years smaller communities had formed around the town and had voted for the independence to have their own town governments, but the name “Blackwell Beach” had stuck even though Nolan didn’t know exactly which town it fell under now.

The wooden boardwalk ended a quarter mile from the cove, and we took off our shoes to walk the rest of the way in the sand, passing sloping sand dunes and long, swaying beach grass.

The Bastards carried beach chairs, blankets, and a cooler I hadn’t seen them load into the Jeep. I was beginning to think they were a never-ending pit of equipment, the room in the basement like one of those magician’s hats that held a rabbit, a pair of doves, and a mile-long scarf.

The music got louder as we approached, some kind of folksy rock. Everyone looked up when we reached their circle, their gazes suspicious, like they didn’t trust outsiders and hadn’t decided if that was our assigned category.

The older guy who manned the bar at Breakers was sitting on a beach chair, a handful of girls sitting around him like cult groupies, and a couple of the people around the fire — on chairs, blankets, even a giant piece of driftwood that looked like an entire tree trunk — glanced at him like they were awaiting some kind of instruction.

His beard was fuller than the last time I’d seen him, and now he was wearing a tank top that showed off cut biceps etched with ink.

He looked long and hard at the Bastards before his gaze cut to me.

He nodded our way. “You bring beer?”

“Lots of it,” Jude said.

The older guy nodded and everyone around the fire seemed to relax, like it was the seal of approval they’d been waiting for.

Nolan and Rafe set down the cooler and I helped Jude set up our chairs. I was nervous, self-conscious. I wasn’t exactly practiced at the social thing, for obvious reasons. I knew other people my age enjoyed stuff like this, enjoyed drinking and listening to music and meeting new people, but I could never fully let down my guard or let go of the feeling that everyone was looking at me like I was a loser.

You shone so fucking bright, Lilah…

Warmth blossomed in my chest at the memory of Rafe’s words. At the time I’d been too intent on what he was saying, pulled into the past by his explanation of why he’d done what he did, angry that he’d thought he was doing me some kind of favor when all I’d wanted was to be left alone.

Now… well, now it made me feel soft toward Rafe in a way that was way more dangerous than the fact that I’d fucked him like a rabid animal in the gym.

Rafe lifted the lid on the cooler and pulled out four beers. He handed two of them to Jude and Nolan, then held one out to me, a question in his eyes.

I shook my head and he withdrew it, sticking it back in the cooler without a word.

I didn’t get a chance to sit before they started across the clearing around the bonfire. They were walking toward Gage, who was sitting on the piece of driftwood staring at a guy who was obviously flirting with Storm across the bonfire.

I felt sorry for the nameless guy — and for Storm too. Gage was kind of scary, and it seemed like he was protective of his little sister. Then again, maybe it was nice to start out in life knowing someone always had your back, that there was someone who would always be with you through thick and thin, even when friends and boyfriends and girlfriends fell away.

I thought of Matt, wondered if he’d ever text me back, if he’d ever speak to me again. For now, he was back in my mom’s evangelical vortex and there was nothing I could to do pull him out.

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