Page 134 of Love Sick

I exhale. Tears fight their way to the surface. That’s not what I’m doing. I’m protecting him. He just doesn’t see it yet.

Those dark eyes see straight through me. “The idea of not being with me—that does nothing to you?”

Giving him up will hurt. It will slice ribbons into me I’m sure will never heal. But a day will come when his infatuation with me will dim, and he’ll realize I’m an anxious mess with intimacy issues, and I can’t give him what he truly needs.

He’ll leave.

That will hurt so much worse.

I’m scared. Scared of how much I love him. Scared of what he could do to me. Scared he’s too good for me. Scared the rumors will follow me the rest of my life. Scared that I’ll never be the competent, respected doctor I always dreamed I’d be.

Then tell him that.

I open my mouth, but all that comes out is, “Julian—”

“Do you remember how I feel about you?” He crosses his arms, but his fingers tap a fluttery rhythm against his biceps.

“How youthinkyou feel.” A tear slips down my cheek. My gaze falls to my lap so that broken look on his face doesn’t cut so deep.

“Now you’re telling me what I feel?” His voice scrapes over rough edges and valleys. “Iloveyou. I wantyou. Why can’t that be enough? Why don’t you believe me?”

A tiny sob catches in my throat. “I just—I can’t be what you need. Being with me will hurt you.”

“More than you’re hurting me right now?”

I flinch.

“Oh, you don’t like hearing that? Did you think I’d be relieved that you’re breaking my heart? You act like you’re setting me free.”

“Julian—”

He paces again. “Would you prefer I pretend I’m happy about it? That losing you won’t rip pieces out of me? I’m way too far gone, and not nearly a good enough actor to manage that.”

I wrap my arms around myself and try to hold in the flood. “You told me you don’t want to be involved in scandals. Do you remember that? It was one of the first things you said to me. You’ll be happier unattached to me.”

His steps slow. The bewildered horror on his face guts me. “Happier? Do you know me at all?”

“Julian—”

“Do you love me? I need to know the answer to that. The truth.”

His face smears behind my tears. I love him so much in that moment that my heart cracks and crumbles, an aching pain I’ll never be rid of. My voice stutters over the word, but I manage to give him the truth. “Yes.”

The flash of relief on his face disappears behind a forced calm. His eyes grow bright and dewy. “Thenwhy?”

“For you.” My breath hitches and I rise to my feet. “For me. For both of us. God, Julian. You think you love me, but you don’t even know the mess that I really am. Things from my past have just—I don’t know. You are such a good man, and I’m…broken. I’vebeenbroken. I can’t trust. I don’t have faith in love.” I approach him, moving to stand close enough to touch, though neither of us reach out. “Even if you think these rumors won’t touch you, once you see who I really am, you’ll leave.”

The darkness sparks again. “Idoknow you, Grace. I’m not perfect, either. Why are you so convinced that I’m not all in on this? What have I done that makes you think I won’t keep loving you even when it’s hard?”

“That’s not—”

“What do I do? What do you want me to do? I’m here, offering to prove it. How do I prove it?”

Don’t let me do this to us.

No words form.

He lets out a breath. “Wow. Seriously? Nothing to say?”

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