Page 158 of Love Sick

A cruel artist paints pictures of what she’s saying all over my mind and I can imagine exactly what happened to this sweet, delicate girl when some monster tormented her mind and body, then fucking blamed her for it.

Don’t ask, Julian. You already know.

And yet—

“What do you mean?”

She sniffles and wipes her tears again. “All that abuse, all those things I’d done for him—things I look back on now and cringe for how it made me feel—I didn’t want them to be in vain. When he left, I broke down. I was still functioning, still going to class, but my mind wasn’t there. I was…empty.”

I want to do more than hurt him. I’ve never known wrath this cold. He tried to destroy her.MyGrace.

But this isn’t about me, so I try to push that away. I lift her hand to cup it in both of mine, kissing her fingers. “It’s not your fault—”

“I did a lot of weird stuff in those months, alienated a lot of people. The few people who knew the truth judged me and not him. They told me I should drop out, that I should be embarrassed for not knowing better. It all destroyed me, and I lost my ability to trust. Not just men, but myself. I never wanted anyone to have that kind of power over me again. I never wanted that vulnerability. It was better to be alone than risk being treated that way ever again.”

Understanding dawns and everything clicks. “Gracey—”

“Then I got here and I thought I could start fresh. Put it all behind me, you know? But—”

“But the rumor.”

Fucking Alesha.

She sighs. “Yeah. It opened the door to all the speculation about me. People gave me weird looks, treated me differently. It brought it all back. Matt broke me to pieces, and I’m not sure I was even in love with him. It was nothing compared to how I feel about you, but I couldn’t let myself trust that I wouldn’t be completely wrong about someone again.”

I take her face in my hands. “I would never do that.”

Tear-filled hazel eyes sparkle as she studies my face. “The last man who promised me things left me even after I debased myself for him. I was so scared that you—” She shakes her head. “I should’ve trusted you. You—you were always there, from the very beginning. You ran into the street, handed me a cocktail napkin to dry my tears even though you didn’t know me. You took me at my word that it wasn’t true, then defended me, and remained loyal even when you didn’t like me. You took time to help me with surgery when my own attendings wouldn’t bother with me. You never pressured. Nothing was ever hard with you. It was easy, and I fell in love. God, I’ve been in love with you forever, Julian. Way before you could have known it. Way before I knew it.”

I pull her into a hug.

She relaxes against me like she always has, her arms around my shoulders. “It scared me. I made so many mistakes with Matt, and I was scared I was making them again, that I’d wind up hurtagain. I was a coward, and that wasn’t fair to you. Because you aren’t him. You’ll never be him. He was poison and you are paradise.”

A tingle wakes in the part of my chest I thought had died, but I still don’t know what to say. She isn’t telling me she wants me back. She’s explaining why she left.

She pulls away to grab another tissue. Liquid eyes lift toward mine. “A baby died the other day.”

My heart catches. “What?”

“Yeah. The mom was in a car wreck. She was bleeding. We did what we could, but the baby died.” Tears pour down her face and she squeezes her eyes shut. “The mom is in the ICU now, but I—it was so awful. I wanted—Imissedyou. I wanted to fall in your arms, and I couldn’t because I pushed you away. I hurt us both because I’m a fucking coward.”

I feign a gasp. “She said the f-word.”

Her teary laugh is a warm breeze across my skin.

I brush away another tear as it falls. “Grace, I’m so sorry about…all that. If I’d known—”

“You did everything right.” She grips my shoulders. “I’m the one who did it all wrong. I wanted you to know all of it. The full truth.”

A lump forms in my throat. “Yeah. Thanks—um—for trusting me with that. That can’t have been easy to relive.”

She smiles through her tears. “I love you.”

My head tilts. “I—”

She presses her finger to my mouth. “No, don’t say anything. I love you and I’m sorry I couldn’t trust you. I still have trust issues, Julian. I still struggle with severe anxiety and I worry about what other people think about me. I’m so far from perfect, but I think—I think we belong together. I want you to think about it and after you’ve processed everything, if you think you might still want me, even though I am, like,seriouslyflawed, Julian, I’d really like to make this work.”

My voice drops to a whisper. “Grace—”

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