Page 67 of What If It's You?

“So stop. Being so afraid. Or at least…stop letting that fear make the choice, Lo.”

“I want to. I will. But I think maybe…” This was it, the moment to do it, to step into a life that I might not want, but that I had to be willing to accept.

And not just because of the program. Staying in this world mattered, but it wasn’t the only thing anymore, and the fact that Olliewasmy person wasn’t the only thing I’d finally woken up to. He’d been sacrificing everything for me, for years now, and I’d let him. Let myself believe it wasn’t really a sacrifice at all.

But I couldn’t pretend anymore. Not now that I knew what he could be without me. I couldn’t be the person blocking the light for him and calling the shade I was making “love.” Because Ididlove him. I loved him so much that it felt like my heart was just one pulsing open wound, the emotion too big to be anything but painful—but if that was true, didn’t I owe him a chance at the life he’d always wanted? The one I’d taken from him, so focused on my needs, my path, that I hadn’t even considered that Ollie might have been the person I was walking over as I traveled it?

He was staring at me, patient, those huge dark eyes fixed on my face. I closed my eyes, unable to bear that beautiful, gentle gaze while I did this.

“I think…actually I’m pretty sure you’d be better off without me.”

He laughed and my eyes shot open. When he saw the look on my face his amusement slowly morphed into frowning confusion.

“You’re serious. Listen, I know what I said last night sounded pretty dire—”

“No, it’s not about that. Or not directly. It just got me thinking. What if your life had turned out better if I were never in it?” Ollie opened his mouth to speak but I raised a hand, needing to get this out before I lost my nerve. “Haven’t you ever wondered what might have happened if you’d gone on that tour?”

“I’d have developed scurvy from living off fast food for a month?” Ollie waggled an eyebrow, but I plowed ahead.

“I’m serious. What if that was the moment it was supposed to happen for you? You didn’t go because of me, and I’m sure there are a hundred other moments like that, where you didn’t do what mattered to you because of me. Because of this.” I gestured between us.

“What if I found the chemical compound that turned water into wine? Things would look pretty different in that scenario too. And frankly, it sounds more likely than being ‘discovered’ or whatever it is you’re talking about.” He laughed, but gently, clearly at the idea that musical success was even possible in this life, not at me. It twisted the corkscrew in my stomach another turn. That jadedness, giving up on even the possibility that his dreams could ever succeed…that was my fault, too.

“Hear me out, please? What if your whole life would have beendifferent if you’d just put yourself first for once? If things had been about your goals, not mine?”

Ollie rolled his eyes, still ready to laugh this off, but when his gaze hooked on mine again, his expression turned serious. Clearly this wasn’t just some thought experiment for me. God, if I never heard about another “thought experiment” in my life, that would be just fine with me. Fucking Schrödinger.

“You really believe this, don’t you? That I’d have been better off without you somehow?” Ollie’s eyebrows tented, lips parted slightly as he gazed at me. “You know I don’t, right? Believe that?”

“I get that ‘making it’ is unlikely, but it’s a hell of a lot more unlikely if you’re stuck in Boston instead of touring,” I said, voice flat.

“I’m not saying I don’t believethat. Even though it’s fucking ludicrous.” The barest hint of a smile, an afterimage of happiness instead of the real thing. “But that doesn’t mean I’d be happier.”

“Really. You wouldn’t be happier if you were full-on famous for your music.”

“I mean, I’d begratified. I’d be proud of myself. But that’s not the same as happy. Like…are you happy about the hours you pull at your job? Or does it give you something…happiness-adjacent? Genuinely asking, by the way, not trying to tell you what to feel,” he added, one hand up to ward off the very notion.

“That’s not…that’s who Iam. This is who you are. Music is your life.”

“Music is a huge part of me, but it’s not all of me, Lo. And killing it at your job scratches some itch in you, but thatspecificjob isn’t you, either. I just fundamentally don’t believe that.”

“But if you knew—forget the likelihood, let’s just say it’s an absolute guarantee that you would wind up a famous musician if you’d gone on that tour…”

“I’d be someone else, and I wouldn’t have you in my life. I’d have a lot of things—satisfaction, more money probably—but that doesn’t mean I’d be happier. I guess Icouldbe, but why wonder about that?” He shrugged. Like it was that simple. I blinked at him,too stunned to speak. What would it be like to not have to askwhat if? To not worry the possibility of something better so constantly that it opened up an abscess in the right now?

Ollie bit his lower lip, gaze dropping to the span of comforter between us.

“Is that whatyouwant?” His thumb and forefinger started circling each other rhythmically, endlessly, the rest of his body preternaturally still. “Are you trying to say you’d be happier if we weren’t together?”

“Are you kidding? No. God no.” I threw my head back, blowing my breath out as I stared at the ceiling. “I just can’t live with myself knowing that I’ve been holding you back. And knowing that…like, okay, you’re happy with me now, but what if I’m still not ready to get married in a year. Or two. What then?”

“Then we’ll deal with that then.”

“Sure. No big.” I rolled my eyes, laughing once.

“I mean it, Lo. Obviously I think we should get married. That’s not a secret. But just because I want that, it doesn’t mean I’m naïve. I know it doesn’t always work out. You know I had serious girlfriends before you, right?”

I blinked, startled. I knew about his exes, of course, knew that he’d moved in with one of them—Rachel—but I’d never really considered those relationships as important to him.

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