Page 51 of The Truth About Love

I hear the slamming of the back door. The way the sound echoes through the old house, rattling the rafters and shaking the floors. If he’s gone out the back then he hasn’t gone home.

I give it five minutes before I throw on my discarded clothes and follow him out to the backyard. I find him sitting on the sand on our little strip of private beach, his arms resting on his bent knees and head bowed to his chest.

I know he knows I’m here. He’s always been able to sense my presence. Can work out where I am in a room without even looking round. Up until recently, I could do the same with him.

Sand crumbles beneath my bare feet as I move up beside him and sit down. I watch him from the edge of my vision as he raises his head to stare out at the black sea in front of us, his eyes glistening with fresh tears.

I made him cry.

His silent disgust at what I asked of him echoes around me, not even the crashing waves can wash away the noise of it. Looking away, I wait for him to say something. Anything.

Does he still want to be with me after that? Would I even feel the breaking of my heart if he didn’t?

When he finally speaks, his voice is little more than a shaky whisper. But regardless of how quiet it is, the resentment sewn through each word is deafening. “Don’t ever ask me to do that again.”

“I just wanted to try something different,” I lie.

“God damn it, don’t do that. Don’t lie to me.” I’ve never seen Auden angry before. I didn’t even think he was capable of feeling a hostile emotion, but apparently, he is when pushed far enough. And that’s what I’ve done. I’ve pushed him to this. “That’s bullshit, you know it is. What just happened had nothing to do with trying new things.”

“Yes, it did.” I’m trapped in my denial and lying is all I’m capable of now. “I was just mixing things up.”

“Stop lying.” He picks a rock out the sand and hurls it at the sea. “I’m up for experimenting and shit with you, Summer-Raine, you fucking know that. So long as we’re both comfortable and it’s about trying out what feels good. But that had fuck all to do with pleasure and everything to do with pain.”

“I don’t know what to say, Auden.” I stand, turning to him, combative and cold. “Everything is numb, like I’ve been paralyzed on the inside. I’m so blank I may as well be dead and I just wanted to fuckingfeelsomething.”

“Then talk to me!” He stands to his full height, his hands clawing furiously at his hair as he stares me down, eyes aflame with rage and hurt. “If you need me to help you feel something, tell me and I’ll love you harder. And if that’s not enough we can ride a rollercoaster, go skydiving or even fucking shark diving, but don’t ever ask me to hurt you again.”

“I’m sorry,” I say weakly. “I didn’t think it would be a big deal.”

He looks at me like I’ve broken him. “Not a big deal? You think I’d ever be okay with causing you pain? You tried to manipulate me into hurting you and by doing that, you’ve hurt me. You’ve fuckingdestroyedme.”

A tear falls, followed by another and then another, until they rain violently down his face. I should reach out to him. Should do what he would do if I was crying and pull him to me, stroke his back until he calms down and his breathing slows.

But I don’t.

I just watch on silently as he fights to choke back sobs on his own.

Finally, he calms down enough to face me again. “I love you, but you fucked up tonight.” He takes a heaving breath, catching the last of his tears with the palm of his hand. “I need some space to think about shit, Summer, so I’m just gonna go home. I’m still here though, I still love you, I just can’t be around you right now. Text me if you need me, but otherwise I’ll probably see you in a few days, yeah?”

I nod mutely as he drops a chaste kiss to my cheek and leaves, walking round the side of the house to get to his truck on the driveway. I watch him go, the smallest flickering ofsomethingburning in my chest.

And then it hits me.

For the first time ever, he didn’t call me Summer-Raine.

He called me Summer.

It makes me want to charge after him and demand he never uses the shortened version of my name again. Because that’s not what we do, him and me. He’s the only person in this world who calls me Summer-Raine. It’s our thing.

So, I need him to come back. I need him to make it right again.

But I let him go.

Because knowing the pain I’ve caused him, hearing him calling me Summer and then watching him walk away has rekindled the smallest spark in my barren heart.

No matter how mildly, right now I can feel something.

So, I’ll replay tonight on repeat in my mind and I’ll remember the look of devastation on Auden’s face, clinging onto the minuscule slice of pain it brings me and hoping it’s still there in the morning.

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