Page 62 of The Truth About Love

So, yeah, maybe I can recognise why she’d blame me for what happened, but I’d truly thought that she’d loved me enough to at least break my heart herself. Not just left some random nurse to tell me that I’d been removed from her approved visitors list.

At least Winter took pity on me and offered to stay in touch.

“Jesus, Winter.” I scrape a hand down my face. “That’s so fucking dangerous. She could get hurt or into trouble.Fuck,why do you let her get out?”

“Let her?” Winter yells through the phone. “I’m a mother to two kids, Auden. I do what I can for my sister, but those kids are my priority. She’s living in my house, for god’s sake, I’m doing my best. How dare you suggest otherwise.”

“Christ, Win, I’m sorry.” I sigh, shame instantly washing over me. It’s not her fault that Summer-Raine is a loose canon and, if she’s anything like she was five years ago, there’s not a lot someone can do to help her once she’s in that place anyway. “I didn’t mean to insinuate anything. I know how much you do for her. But surely there’s gotta be something else we can do if she’s got this bad again.”

“You know what she’s like. She refuses to accept the help she actually needs and they won’t commit her involuntarily because she’s not a big enough danger to herself.” Winter sounds as resigned as I feel.

“That’s fucking ridiculous,” I growl, frustration at the mental healthcare system mounting. It failed my Mama and now it’s failing Summer-Raine.

“You know what it’s like,” she says. “They won’t admit her unless she makes an actual attempt on her life. That’s just the way it is.”

“Bullshit is what it is.”

She sighs. “Yeah, I know.”

For a little while, neither of us says a word. The silence through the phone is thick with unspoken thoughts of Summer-Raine, both of us worrying about the same special girl and wishing things were different.

“Hey, Auden?” Winter says finally. “Can I ask you something?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you still love her?”

My eyes scrunch shut. It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for five long years and refused to answer.Do I still love her?I’d be an idiot if I did. But then, I’ve always been an idiot when it comes to Summer-Raine.

“It’s not like that anymore.” My voice breaks, but if Winter notices she doesn’t mention it. “It’s not been like that for a long time.”

She seems to accept my response, though both of us know I didn’t really answer the question.

When she hangs up, I let my forehead fall to the table in front of me and suck in heavy breaths through my nose. I don’t know why I torture myself like this. Hearing that Summer-Raine is suffering only causes me pain and it’s pointless. Because the truth of the matter is that there’s nothing I can do about it anyway. So, I just have to harbour the knowledge that she’s out there somewhere, standing alone in the dark with her monsters, maybe even at the gas station where I saw her for the first time, hurting and scared and alone. And I just have to deal with it.

So, I do what I do every time I speak to Winter.

I brush myself off and try to resist the overwhelming urge to go wherever Summer-Raine is and fix everything for her.

I go home. And later, after dinner at an Italian restaurant with Cara, I use her body once again to try and forget about the girl with golden hair and demons in her head.

And just like always, it doesn’t work.

Chapter Sixteen

Summer-Raine

It didn’t work.

That’s the first thing I think when I wake up.

Around me, I can hear the incessant beeping of medical machines, a sound I’ve grown used to over the last several years. Harsh light beams down on my closed eyelids and the lingering smells of citrus scented cleaning agents, stainless steel and questionable microwaved dinners fill my nose and make my stomach churn.

I can feel long fingers wrapped around my own, and they tremble as I slowly blink my eyes open to look into the devastated face of my older sister.

Tears fall freely down her cheeks and she releases a loud sob before resting her forehead on top of our entwined hands resting on the bed beside me.

It’s not the first time I’ve woken up in a hospital bed to find her holding my hand, not even the second, but it’s the first time I’ve woken to find her so emotional. I guess that’s because all my previous trips to hospital have been accidental.

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