Page 66 of The Truth About Love

As cruel as they were though, I don’t blame him for saying them. It’s not as if he’s wrong.

I know that it would be easier for everyone if I wasn’t here anymore, that’s why I did what I did. The world would be a better place without me in it. So, I can’t be mad at Ben for thinking the same thing, for voicing the truth, no matter how hard the words are to hear coming from someone else’s mouth.

My sister sniffs and I pretend the noise wakes me.

Blinking slowly, I turn to look at her sitting in the chair by my bedside, rapidly trying to dry her eyes so that I don’t suspect her of crying. It’s obvious though, even if I hadn’t been eavesdropping on their argument. But I don’t mention it. She clearly doesn’t want me to if she’s going to such an effort to hide her tears, so I smile at her sleepily and pretend I don’t notice the way her mascara runs in lines down her swollen cheeks.

“You okay?” she asks.

“Just dandy.”

She sucks in a breath, rubbing her hands together in her lap as if she’s preparing for something and then opens her mouth to speak.

I know what she’s going to say.

I know she’s trying to find a way to tell me I can’t stay with them anymore and I know how much it’s going to kill her to do it, so I don’t let her.

“Hey,” I say before she has a chance to speak. “I’ve been thinking, I don’t think it’s a good idea if I keep living in your house anymore.”

“What?” She blinks at me, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

“I just think that I won’t get better if I’m always depending on you, you know? I can’t live with you forever, it’s not fair on you and your family and it’s probably not what’s best for me either. I need to stand on my own two feet, learn to get by on my own again and you guys need to be a family without the crazy auntie pulling her bullshit all the time.”

“Summer…” she starts, but trails off.

I think she knows that I overheard the argument, but neither of us bring it up.

“Really, it’s okay.” I smile reassuringly. “I know that Cooper’s been having nightmares since I’ve been staying with you and Carter barely ever makes eye contact with me anymore. I don’t want to ruin the relationship I have with my nephews and I will if I keep living with you guys.”

A tear escapes from the corner of her eye. “But the doctor said you need someone with you to keep an eye out and support your recovery. Who, if it’s not me?”

“I’ll figure it out, Winter.” I reach for her finally, curling my fingers around her hand. “But I won’t let the burden fall on you anymore. You’ve done too much. I need to take responsibility for my own recovery and you need to focus on living your own life now.”

“You know I’m always here for you, right?” she asks.

“I know.”

“And that I love you?”

“I know that too.”

She squeezes my hand, eyes closing as she heaves in a deep breath. The relief pouring off her is palpable, I can feel it as powerfully as the rain on my skin during a storm.

But my gut twinges with guilt.

I know the only way for her to agree to letting me move out of her place is if she believes that I’m really invested in making changes for myself. But truthfully, recovery isn’t something I think is possible for me. I haven’t felt even a slither of happiness since senior year, before my fucked-up head went and ruined it all for me. I know I’m never going to “get better”, know I’m never going to get to feel the way I did for those nine perfect months five years ago, so why even bother trying?

All I care about is Winter and her boys no longer having to bear the weight of my behaviour. I swore when she was pregnant for the first time with Carter that I’d do anything for his little soul, shield him from the cruelty of the world, protect him from things that could hurt him. And when she fell pregnant with Cooper two years later, that oath extended to him too.

So, I don’t care what happens to me now, don’t care who the fuck ends up taking the ridiculous role of my babysitter, so long as my sister and nephews are far away from me and the monsters inside my head.

Without me, life will be better for them all. They’ll be free and happy and safe.

Because protecting them from the things in the world that can hurt them sometimes means protecting them fromme.

Chapter Seventeen

Auden

---