Page 52 of Deeper

“I’m sorry again, about last night,” he told me. “These days, I only keep my family around me. They’re very private, and Nazanin is very protective of me.”

I could understand that, to an extent, but there was no ignoring the elephant in the room. “Why would she think I’m a prostitute?”

Zander hung his head, frowning. “I…I haven’t always been the cleanest, the most rational.”

“Okay,” I said, waiting for him to go on.

Zander studied me, looking as serious as I’d ever seen him. “This…doesn’t leave this room.”

Sensing he was about to make a confession that could affect his career, I quickly agreed. “It won’t.”

“I mean it, Bianka.”

“I promise, Zander,” I swore.

He peered over at me. His eyes were cloaked in the shadowed depth he was pulling from. “I rocked out pretty hard when I first left So What. I could finally do what I wanted. Then when Jolene and I broke up it got worse. I partied every night. I got drunk. I got high.Reallyhigh.” His eyes were on the floor again. “I wasn’t at my best. I wasn’t keepin’ my nose clean.”

I caught what he didn’t say out loud. Cocaine. Coke. He’d used cocaine before.

“My best friend in the whole world is probably my younger cousin Rajaa. He was out there with me, and I should’ve been doing better by him. He’s just this normal kid from Slough, and here I am leadin’ him to hell. The industry people I was around at the time used to supply the drugs, and sometimes they had women around them, women who would offer up a good time for the right price. I never touched one. When I was hurtin’ over Jolene I wouldn’t even look at another woman.

“Rajaa was like eighteen at the time, and it was all so shiny and new for him, so he’s dabbling here and there with the alcohol and just really havin’ a good time. He didn’t pay for strange either, but he got so careless he blabbed about what was going on to his brother, and he told somebody in my family, and they told someone, and Naz caught a flight out and did damage control.”

“Is Rajaa okay?” I wondered.

Zander nodded. “He only would drink with me.Iwas the one doing more.”

“Coke,” I said it for him.

In shame, Zander bobbed his head as he fiddled with a ring on his hand. “I got my heart broken and I just wanted to numb the pain for a while.”

“I’m not sure if I can do this,” I told him honestly. “Like, this is already a lot as it is, but I can’t get mixed up in any drugs. I could be your lover, but I can’t be your therapist. I’m not a coping mechanism. I am a living, breathing being with a heart and soul.”

I didn’t like the weed or cigarettes, but at least those things were simpler and not as hedonistic as full-blown cocaine use. It was one thing to worry over infidelity, but to have to stay up all night being terrified over waking up next to a dead body? No, that life wasn’t for me.

Zander’s head snapped up. “I haven’t touched it in a long while.”

“What’s a long while, Zander?” I needed to know.

“Almost three years. This was after our first breakup. Nazanin tore into me good and I dropped a lot of those people from my circle. I literally fly solo now. After that, Jo and I reconnected and gave it another go, and I never touched the stuff again.”

“And your next breakup?”

“I had a terrible attitude, but I managed to keep clean.”

“So if I were to walk out that door right now you wouldn’t self-destruct?”

Zander was able to loosen up and grin. “No, because I’m not in love with you, Bianka. If I were, I think I’d be able to handle our splitting up. Jo and I broke up for a final time and I’ve been alone, managing, for almost a year.”

It appeared Zander wore his heart on his sleeve when he loved. He had guilt over hurting Ishani, and with Jolie he had been prone to reckless abandon. Standing across from me, leaning against the door post, I was able to really look at him. His cheeks were full and while his muscular figure wasn’t swollen and bulky, it was far from thin. There were some people I could just tell were on coke by their gaunt cheeks and skinny frames. Thinking back to his era pre-Damage Controlwhen he was dropping singles and music videos, I had seen a few pictures of him where he was slimmer, way slimmer to a scary point.

“Have I scared you away?” Zander prompted.

“I’m just nervous, Zander. You come with a big lifestyle. You will go on the road at some point, and girls are going to throw themselves at you. I’ve been cheated on before and I stayed and I forgave one time, and the rest is just me with egg on my face.”

“That’s understandable, assuming we make it to that point where I’m ready to tour. Who’s to say I won’t be worried about you? You’re a gorgeous girl and I’ll be all over not knowing what’s going on back here.”

To that I had to laugh. It made sense that he, too, would worry about my cheating on him, but in comparison, the odds didn’t add up. “Fair enough, but I’m serious.”

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