Page 32 of Deeper

“I need to get some clothes,” I told Zander once the room was handled.

Zander stood back, rubbing at his jaw, something he often did when he was thinking I’d come to realize. He was redressed in his sweatshirt and some jeans. He took in my outfit and soon left me to go and talk to Terry, Dax, and Olson.

Alone, I began to feel more self-conscious about my clothing, or lack thereof. Was I really about to embark on a sex-filled weekend fling with Zander Khalil of all people? As Tori advised me months earlier, I deserved some fun, I deserved to move on and find better than my ex.

Yet still, landing in bed with one of this generation’s best male vocalists was one hell of an upgrade. Everything about this was unreal. Some fantasy romp you only read about on a Twitter thread, or some other online forum where people could make up bullshit so freely.

“Hey.” Zander was back, and I couldn’t miss the joy radiating from his person. He was truly living for this, being all free and spontaneous. “So, we’re going to take the car and drive to my place ourselves. We’ll stop and grab some clothes along the way.”

Whatever obstacle landed in Zander’s way he had a backup plan to see this through. He wanted this moment with me, this dream that only happened once in a lifetime. To feel wanted, that made me giddy inside.

Zander took my hand and led me out to where the Cullinan was waiting out front. He tipped the valet in exchange for his keys and he opened my door for me, gesturing to the front passenger seat. I climbed in and placed my bag on my lap, practicing easy breaths to get used to the situation.

Zander got in behind the wheel and it was so bizarre seeing him there, next to me, about to drive us somewhere.Us, that’s what really tripped me up.

In the cupholder, his cell phone rang relentlessly, the image of Nazanin flashing. She was determined to get a hold of him, and Zander seemed content with screening her calls.

“Shouldn’t you just answer that?” I suggested.

Zander shrugged as he got on the road and kept his eyes ahead of us. “She can wait until Monday.”

“At least text her to let her know you’re okay.”

“Doing that would provide an open channel of communication that I do not want right now, Bianka.”

He was going off the grid for the weekend to recalibrate his psyche. Easy for him to avoid all confrontation by just shutting everyone out. Me, I had to lie. I texted Holliston that I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to take the weekend off before leaving a message on my boss’s cell saying the same thing. Holly was sweet enough to just understand. When it came to Victoria, my best friend who I was totally backstabbing, I couldn’t exactly lie any more than I already was. I told her the truth. That seeing my father messed me up, that being in those four walls of before messed me up—that the current shitty state of my life messed me up, that I was getting away for the weekend to just turn off my head.

And because Victoria was loyal and supportive, she wished me well and told me she was by her phone if I needed her.

It was enough to make me want to vomit. I did not deserve her.

Thinking over our text exchange, I decided to just come clean as soon as I saw her Monday. She would chew me out, and I would accept it. Zander wasn’t hers, but there was no downplaying how fucked up this all was. Maybe, when she calmed down, she’d be up to meeting Zander still. I was sure if I asked, he’d be willing to meet his biggest fan.

For now, this weekend was all about escaping.

We hit a red light, the radio playing in the silence between us. In another second, Zander looked my way, a corner of his mouth curling up.

“What?” I asked, feeling myself loosen up and smile too.

He nodded at the radio and mouthed along to the famous chorus of Nas and Diddy’s “Hate Me Now.”

The irony, with me starting out an anti-fan and all.

“Fuck you,” I said as I began to laugh.

He nudged me and we shared a grin. I definitely couldn’t hate himnow.

Zander drove to Larchmont Village, a quiet little low-key shopping district. Shop upon shop lined both sides of the street. He parked his ride in front of a store that sold wine, cheese, and spirits. It was later in the evening so some of the shops were already closed down for the night, as it was going on seven thirty.

I got out of the car and met Zander on his side, unsure about this venture. Where I was from, our neighborhood liquor store was straight to the point, this place was extra fancy, calling it “spirits” and offering cheese on the side to go with probably well-aged wine. In my trench coat and Vans, I felt like I didn’t belong, which was no shocker, but still.

“You good?” Zander appraised me, studying my face.

I folded my arms, hanging my head a little. “Maybe this is all a little silly.”

“Silly? We’re just going to go in there and get you some clothes. Although one could argue what for,” Zander teased, tugging on my coat.

I took a step back. “Is it expensive?”

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