Page 41 of Deeper

“So, what do you do for a living?” Zander asked me.

I liked this being about him rather than me. “Nothing glamorous.”

“So?” he challenged. “Before I got on, my mum worked at a hospice cleaning linen, and my dad was a tanker driver. I don’t come from luxury.”

Humble. He was humble about the working class. “I work retail, at a clothing store called Angles.”

“Yeah? Is it just a job or do you really love fashion?”

His words tapped into an old dream of mine. “Both. I used to want to be a designer. I just couldn’t afford school when I moved out, so I settled for a clothing store. Sometimes I’ll sketch an idea in my spare time, but it’s just a pipe dream at this point.”

Kid me used to inhaleVogueandEssence. They were my Bibles. In my old bedroom at home, I’d litter my walls with cut-outs of looks I loved, or taped together from different pieces.

Zander massaged my thigh. “Doesn’t have to be. Can I see some of your sketches?”

Instantly I shot that down. “God, no. They’re like my babies. I don’t know about sharing them with anyone.”

“You could trust me.” He peered back at me, sincerity in his dark eyes. “I’d never judge you, Bianka.”

“O-Okay,” I decided in the end. Since he was wanting to know a vulnerable part of me, I thought it was only fair he do the same. “About Sunday night, why did you cancel? I just gotta know before I leave.”

He sighed, and when it felt like tension was settling in, I massaged his shoulders. “Short version? I psyched myself out.”

“And the long version?”

“You got a while?”

“I don’t know about you, but I’m enjoying this bath.”

Zander ran his hand up and down my thigh, taking a while to piece together where he wanted to start. There was so much I didn’t know about him. So much I was willing to learn.

“So, like, this goes back to So What. One of the reasons I left was because of my anxiety. It started to get really bad performing and having all these people judge me and be so hateful. I could literally just be up on that stage singing my verse, or just goofin’ off with the other guys and I’d get so much shit.

“People talked about me being Brown, and they attacked me for being Muslim at the time. I’m the furthest thing from pale. I could never blend in with those other guys seamlessly. After a while, I didn’t feel like I belonged,” Zander confessed.

Understanding tugged at my heartstrings. “And what did your management say?”

Zander sank against me. “They were really dismissive. It wasn’t something they took seriously enough to protect me or speak out against. I was on my own.”

I hated that for him. There was nothing worse than feeling utterly alone. I’d been there and it was an ugliness I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

“It was hard to be under this spotlight where you’re constantly being attacked. I didn’t want to perform. I didn’t want to be seen. It’s one of the main reasons I haven’t gone on the road on my own, and I’ve struggled with prepping myself to get in the proper mindset to move forward and kill it. Jolene used to tell me, or push me, to just go out there. This time I really was set to do it,” Zander said.

“What happened?” I asked when he didn’t go on.

“The day of the show, we’d gone and did a soundcheck and it went smooth. I felt good. That night, it was a complete one-eighty. I was in a bad space, nervous, anxious, inside my own head. And then Jo posted that picture of her and that guy and it really turned my stomach inside out. It fucked me up, ruined what was left of my mood. My anxiety was already at a high and I just couldn’t deal with it. A part of me felt that maybe by the time I got there I’d change my mind, but I just couldn’t. Icanperform alone, but that night I felt alone. You know what I mean?”

I ran my fingers through his hair and leaned forward, pressing a kiss to his scalp. “I get it.”

“It’s a mental battle I’m trying to win, and that night I lost. I want to perform, I love my fans, and I love the feeling of being on stage. I just have to really take a moment and remember that these people coming to my solo shows are there solely for me. That I’m in a safe place. Once I can get that into my mind, I’m hoping the rest will fall into place.”

Anxiety, I could only imagine, was no joke. To deal with it on such a massive level took a lot of strength and support. Suddenly I felt selfish for bashing him all these years, not to mention that night when he had his own issues going on.

“I’m sorry I misjudged you.”

“It’s okay. I gotta speak up more,” Zander said. “Let it be known what I’ve got going on than just hiding behind shame.”

I held him close, going and kissing his cheek. “You belong, Zander, you belong.”

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