Page 95 of Deeper

Beside me, Zander sighed. “We need to talk.”

Those words never amounted to any good. “Oh yeah?”

“Inside, Bianka. Now.”

Zander liked to get assertive when he was agitated, I noticed. So it was no surprise he was barking out orders and taking the lead in the walk back up to my apartment. He walked so big and strong that I was left sneaking peeks up at him.

I let us into my apartment and kept my gaze on the floor, not ready for this talk he was so intent on having.

“You want to sit down?” Zander asked from behind me.

I shook my head. “No.”

“Bianka.” His tone of voice was strained, letting me know he was trying to keep his temper in check. I was pushing his patience. Maybe even pushinghimaway.

Finally, I looked at him, finding him very serious and standing erect by the door.

The lyrics of Teddy Sykes’s “Leaving” came to mind and I knew right then I would break down if Zander left me too. If this day ended with another goodbye. I was having the time of my life with him, and like I always did, I was fucking it up by being me.

Zander’s expression softened. “What are you thinking?”

I couldn’t speak. “Just say it, Zander.”

“You’re about to cry and I want to know why.”

“Just tell me what you want to talk about, please!”

He heaved another sigh and hung his head. “We’re different, you and me. I get mad at Teddy and break things, and you lecture me and leave. You get evicted from your apartment and I come to your side and you tell me to leave, but I stayed. Your father is a spineless prick and I stood beside you and offered you my hand. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we’ve got to get on the same team.

“I’m used to leaving when I’m not comfortable or happy. I’m used to people packing up and leaving when they can’t take it anymore with me, but right now, here with you, I’m ready to fight. When you’re in trouble, Bi, I’m going to fight with you andforyou. You call it being a therapist, but what else can you ask for in a partner than an ear, than a supportive listener? I’ve got issues and scars, but I’m not toxic anymore. I’m going to fight for you, but willyoufight forme?”

If someone was keeping score, it did look pretty lopsided. I walked away when it got heated around Zander, and Zander stayed when I told him to leave. I had one foot out the door at the sight of trouble on my end and Zander was being open and honest in his questioning me.

I could feel myself shaking and I hated it. “I’m sorry.”

Zander angled his head, studying me, but keeping his respectful distance. “About what?”

“I’m sorry I’m not a normal person from a healthy background. I’m sorry I’m a mess. I collect trauma like a fucking hoarder, and this is the truth about me.”

Zander ran his hands down his face. “Bianka.”

“I would rather you leave right now than stay here and pity me,” I came out and said. “I don’t want you to feel obligated to take care of me, to feel bad for me and want to help me because I’m poor. In the beginning it was fun, and you likedme, Bia. I don’t want that to change. I don’t want to become a burden for you.”

“Why can’t I like you and feel bad that you’re in a tough spot?” Zander challenged. “I miss you when you’re not with me, when you’re here and at work, but I respect the fact that you’re in a position that youhaveto work. I won’t insult you by telling you if you move in with me you can just quit your job. I won’t promise you a fairy tale because I’m no Prince Charming.”

Zander just wanted to be my man, to be there if I needed him, and I was too independent to let that happen. To be vulnerable and trusting. The first man I truly let in, hurt me. I told myself I would never be so raw for another person again, and yet, here I was. With Zander, I was doing things I never did before—I was living, young, wild, and free. Zander worshipped my body in ways that left me feeling like a goddess, sought my opinion in ways that made me feel like Einstein, wanted my hand in ways that made me feel like Athena.

Zander Khalil was standing there in front of me, practically begging me to let go of my inhibitions and fall freely in love with him.

And I was scared.

“Everybody disappoints me. I can’t take it if you do, too,” I let out.

Zander inched closer. “I’mnotgoing to disappoint you, Bianka. I’ll give you my word on that.” Going further, he cupped my face in his palms. “Nobody knows what it’s like to be alone more than me. I won’t let you go through it.”

Tears wet my eyes as I shook my head at the ugly truth. “You have a family. I don’t.”

Determined, Zander pressed on. “Sometimes you get to make your own family, Bi.”

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